


In the In Between

by xsilvershadesx



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Canon Compliant, Eventual Romance, F/M, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Romance, Slow Burn, Some Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-24
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-08-06 18:57:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 32
Words: 58,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16393298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xsilvershadesx/pseuds/xsilvershadesx
Summary: Following Remus, Sirius and Tonks through the first third of Order of the Phoenix from the perspective of Remus. Angst, romance and a little bit of humor. Follows the cannon plot except the romantic entanglements. Remus/Sirius (established in first chapter), Remus/Tonks (slow burn) leading up to Sirius/Remus/Tonks.





	1. Chapter 1

Remus glanced at the door as a soft knock sounded. He didn’t have to guess who it was. He had been waiting for this moment, maybe even dreading it, since he had arrived at Grimmauld Place. With reservations, he rose and opened the door. 

“Moony! I wasn’t sure if you were up.” Sirius hovered in the doorway. Remus could feel the tension in the air. He clearly was hoping for an invitation into the room. 

“Yes. Still up.” He moved his arm from the door frame leaving an opening into the room. Sirius didn’t hesitate. 

“I’m just bored, you know. It’s awful being here all the time, or any of the time really.” He said as he crossed the room and sank down onto Remus’ bed. 

Remus took his time closing the door. Preparing himself for this conversation. The one he had been avoiding all this time. Looking at Sirius sprawling comfortably on his bed, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to laugh or cry. How many times had he secretly dreamed of such a situation? But that was a lifetime ago. Now things were different. Life had not turned out the way either had expected. And all the things Remus had spent years trying to forget lay unspoken between them. 

Sirius smiled at him expectantly but his smile wilted when Remus did not return it. Instead Remus sighed deeply. This was it. They were going to finally have to talk about everything. James and Lily’s death, the mistrust they had shown each other, Sirius’ long period of imprisonment, why they hadn’t talked yet and where to go from here. Remus knew if he wanted, he could just let it go. Sirius wouldn’t push it. He’d never been one for too much emotion. He’d gladly keep it light hearted and pretend that the last 15 years hadn’t happened. But Remus could not. 

“Yes I imagine it must be awful.”

Sirius gave Remus an undecipherable look. Then he scooted over to make room next to him on the bed. “We just haven’t talked much since you’ve been here. I thought it might be nice to talk. Reminisce maybe. You could tell me more about Harry. You were his professor for a whole year. I’m sure you’ve got some stories.”

Remus cast his eyes to the floor as he moved to sit on the chair by his desk. “Sirius, we should talk.”

“That’s what we are doing.” he replied with an edge to his voice. 

“That’s not what I… “ Remus paused and looked directly at Sirius. “I can’t just pick up like nothing has changed.” He looked away. 

“Things don’t have to change.” Sirius replied.

Remus stared at him again. “They already have. Sirius, I thought you murdered them. I thought you deserved to be locked up. I thought you deserved worse.”

“Well if I’d thought you’d done it, I’d have done worse.”

“That’s not the point. The point is do I even know you? That I could believe you did that? And it’s not easy to just forget how I felt for 13 years--”

“Why not? We cleared it up didn’t we? I didn’t do it. You believe me. Simple as that.” a bit of anger was rising in his voice.

“It’s anything but simple.” Remus stated staring at the wall.

“What you want to talk about James? You want to talk about how he is dead? That he’s not coming back? What’s the point to that? Talking about it won’t change a damn thing.”

“Sirius. I’m the only one who knows how you feel. I feel the same loss. I--”

“You don’t Remus.” Sirius’ face was flushed a deep red. His voice was nearly cracking with anger. “No one knows how I feel.”

“He was my friend too. Both of you were my best friends. My only friends. Without you I was alone--”

“He was more than a friend.” Sirius stated in a low voice.

“I know you were alone too. I have no room to talk. You were the one imprisoned. But I--”

“I loved James!”

“So did I, Sirius. That is what I’m trying to tell you. I loved James and Lily too. They were like family. That’s why I understand the pain--”

“No Remus. I was in love with James.” Sirius shouted and just as suddenly fell silent. His eyes were wide, his fists clenched and his face still flushed. 

Remus inhaled sharply and stared openly at Sirius for a moment, unsure what to say. “I, never knew…”

“Of course you didn’t.” Sirius said, unclenching his fists. He seemed to deflate. “No one did. Ever.”   
Remus moved to join Sirius on the bed. He sat next to him looking forward at the wall. “I didn’t suspect. I didn’t know that you cared for men that way. I’m sorry. Sirius, I’m not sure what to say.”

“Don’t say anything then. But now you know. And you know why I don’t want to talk about it.” His face had faded back to its normal hue and his voice was quiet now. “And I don’t want to talk about Azkaban either. I just wanted my friend back. I don’t care why you didn’t want to talk til now. But let’s leave the past to the past. There is nothing we can do about it now.”

There was a long pause while neither men looked at each other. Then Remus said “Me too.”

Sirius turned to him with an annoyed look, “You were the one who brought all this up in the first place.”

“No, I mean, me too. I also like men. Well women too. I’m not picky, I suppose.” Remus shared with a nervous chuckle. 

Sirius seemed to relax and stared at Remus with a half smile. “Oh?”

“Yes. I just never mentioned it. Well you never know how someone might react to something like that.”

“We didn’t care that you were a werewolf but you thought we might hate you for fancying a man?” Sirius joked.

“Well you never said anything either!” 

“Sure but that’s different. I mean how could I say how I felt about James? He was clearly only interested in girls and well when Lily was in the picture I knew I had no chance. Besides it’s weird having feelings for your friend…” He trailed off, avoiding eye contact.

Remus smiled. This was one of the only times he had ever seen his friend feeling embarrassed. Perhaps that’s why felt the need to make him feel less awkward. “It’s not that weird. I use to have feelings for you.” It was Remus’ turn to flush red. 

Sirius looked taken aback but also a bit pleased. “Really?” he asked with a smirk.

“Well yes. It was when were in school still. But I didn’t know you liked men and I didn’t think there was any chance. Besides it was just a crush really. Not anything serious or anything…” 

Sirius was smiling mischievously and Remus suddenly noticed that he was very close. “What did you like about me?” he asked leaning forward toward Remus.

“Err- I…” 

Before Remus could get a coherent thought out, Sirius had grabbed his arm and started pulling him toward him. “Well, I’m certainly not bored anymore.” His voice was smooth and playful. He laid back on the bed pulling Remus down on top of him. 

Remus wanted to pull away or to tell him to stop, but his brain and mouth weren’t quite keeping up with his emotions. He put his arms down on the bed on either side of Sirius who was smiling up at him. Remus looked down at him in awe as he struggled with the fantasies of his youth and the annoying nagging thought that Sirius had charmed his way out of the uncomfortable emotional conversation they were suppose to be finishing. He knew this wasn’t the healthy resolution he was hoping for. This wasn’t really anything. He had seen Sirius do this before many times with women he had no intention of keeping around. He knew this was stupid. That he had shut the door on these feelings years ago and had no intention of opening it up again. He knew this could go nowhere good. And yet he couldn’t seem to find a reason to care.

The war was back on. He could die tomorrow. And the first war had already taken nearly everything anyways. What was the point in tidy, emotional resolution in such a situation? Why shouldn’t he take this opportunity? And who else but an escaped convict with no other options would want someone like him? He had nothing to offer but neither did Sirius. And deep down Remus still wanted Sirius Black. Perhaps this was an older, more broken version than the youthful, whole Sirius of his dreams but that Sirius had never wanted him and this one was squirming impatiently beneath him. 

So when Sirius tugged at his shirt front pulling him in for a kiss, Remus obliged.


	2. Chapter 2

Remus methodically consumed the breakfast that Molly had laid out on the table before him. He was lost in thought and deaf to the sounds of the Weasleys all around him. He had left Sirius asleep in his bed; keen to get sometime to think things through alone or at least apart from him. The Weasley children made enough distraction that no one would notice his lack of participation in the morning discussions. 

His mind (and if he were being honest his heart) was of two distinct opinions. He wouldn’t deny that he had enjoyed last night. Sirius was a surprisingly attentive lover and the night had been an invigorating experience. There was a release of both emotional and physical tension that had been weighing on him for a very long time. And a small part of himself, a part he didn’t want to acknowledge, felt a smug satisfaction in the thought that he had had Sirius Black. The brilliant, beautiful, beloved Sirius Black. But that part of him was immature, stuck in a time that had long since past. The more rational adult part was trying to convince himself that this was a pleasant mistake. One that should not be repeated. But every time he tried to think of how to tell Sirius it couldn’t happen again, his thoughts betrayed him with memories of the previous night. 

His throat felt uncomfortably tight and he was sure that his face must be a deep red but he couldn’t stop replaying the night over and over again in his head. The feel of Sirius’ urgent but gentle hands, his tongue running over skin, the heat between their bodies --

“Remus? Did you hear me?” 

Remus looked up suddenly as he realized that Molly must have been talking to him. He smiled at her politely. “Sorry Molly. I was nodding off there a bit.” He coughed to clear his throat. “Er didn’t sleep well last night.”

“Oh not a problem dear. I was just saying that there is a message for you in the hall.” She dropped her voice to a whisper. “I think it’s your next set of orders.” She turned to see if any of the children had noticed her change in volume and seemed satisfied that they were all properly distracted. Then she turned back to Remus and continued in her normal voice. “Oh and try to be home for dinner if you can! I’ve invited Tonks too. I know she has her own place but it must be lonely to eat all her meals alone. I think she would be happy to see you,” she added.

“Nice to have someone closer to her age to speak too.” She looked across the table where Ron and Ginny were having a very loud argument about which Quidditch team had the better seeker and Hermione was trying very hard to change the subject. The twins were on either side sending up showers of red sparks to emphasize Ron and Ginny’s finer points. “FRED, GEORGE what did I say about wands out at the table?” 

“Only when absolutely necessary!” answered George.

“Or appropriately hilarious!” Fred chimed in. 

“Wands away!” she shouted.

Remus decided that it was an opportune time to go check his message and excused himself to the hall. He could hear Molly and the twins arguing even after he shut the door to the kitchen. 

He found the parchment on a small side table just past the stairs. The handwriting looked like Kingsly’s. He was reading the parchment when he heard the sound of footsteps on the stairs.

“Good morning Remus.” Sirius said with a sly smile. “Hope I didn’t miss breakfast. Long night you know,” he said with a wink. He was wearing the same clothes as the night before and his hair was still mussed up. 

Remus couldn't help but smile but he quickly changed his expression to one that he hoped looked neutral. “No. You know Molly. She cooks to feed the whole Order even when it’s just us here. There’s plenty left.”

“I’m sure there is.” Instead of turning toward the kitchen at the bottom of the stairs he moved toward Remus.

“You d-don’t want it to get cold though,” Remus was uncomfortably aware of how fast his heart was beating.

“A few more minutes won’t hurt.” Sirius replied taking the parchment out of Remus hands and setting it back on the side table. He then took Remus hand in his own, lightly massaging it. “I suppose you have important business to do for the Order today. I wanted to say goodbye before you left.” his voice had a softness to it that Remus wasn’t use to and the intimate gesture of holding his hand was unexpected. It was a foreign feeling. Remus had had other lovers, but none that stayed much longer than a night. And few people were so willing to share such a tender sign of affection with a werewolf. It was hard to remind himself the reasons he was suppose to be turning Sirius away. 

Sirius was leaning closer, still holding Remus’ hand, moving his face closer expectantly, when the kitchen door flew open. Remus jumped back from Sirius and quickly picked up the parchment again as the Weasley children and Hermione swept out of the kitchen. He could hear Ron loudly proclaiming “Oh come on Hermione! It was just a bit of egg and it’s not like I meant to hit you with it!” The twins were behind them laughing at Ron’s misfortune. They all turned up the stairs barely noticing Remus and Sirius standing in the hall. 

“Yes. I better get going,” Remus stated when they were all gone before Sirius could get any closer again. Sirius frowned slightly. “I’ll talk with you tonight. Molly asked me to be back for dinner and this won’t take me too long. Just a bit of trailing.”

“Well best of luck mate. I hope we get a chance to talk more tonight,” Sirius replied, finally heading toward the kitchen. “We’ll have a very long conversation,” he said snickering. 

Remus stood alone in the hall still holding his orders, frozen in place. He was coming to the realization that perhaps his old feelings for Sirius were not quite as resolved as he had thought. He felt like his angsty sixteen year old self again. But that wasn’t quite right. As a teenager he was sure that someone as perfect as Sirius would never look his way. Now he felt like a lovestruck young fool who couldn’t trust himself around the boy he fancied. He was still stuck in his fantasies, in amazement that Sirius would want him. Not just want him but want him more than once. 

He recognized that this was the first time he could remember someone giving him this kind of attention after knowing what he was. Sirius never once flinched or made him feel ashamed or acted as if he should be grateful for being treated with humanity. He thought it might tear him apart to give it up even as he reminded himself that Sirius had said himself last night that he was just bored. And could a relationship ever be healthy if it was borne of being the only option? He didn’t fool himself into thinking that if Sirius were a free man, Remus would be his first choice. Remus was a convenience, a willing distraction. To believe otherwise was foolish. He only wondered if it really mattered. Was he really being used if he consented to it? If he found pleasure in it? What did either of them really have to lose? They were both bound by circumstances of fate. Sirius was a wanted man, regardless of his innocence and he was a werewolf. Who else could either of them turn to?


	3. Chapter 3

The sky was cloudy, the air dense and threatening rain as Remus walked down the street toward the entrance to Grimmald Place. He was tired. The job he had been sent to do had not been particularly hard but it had been filled with long stretches of boredom that left plenty of time for him to continue his internal struggle over how to approach Sirius tonight. He had not yet come to a decision. His hope that some distance would bring some sort of enlightened perspective had been left unfulfilled. 

As he approached he noticed a figure standing on the sidewalk outside the house. His hand went to his wand. If it was not another Order member they wouldn’t actually be able to see the entrance but perhaps they had somehow found out the general area of the headquarters. He couldn’t think of a reason an Order member would hang around outside drawing attention but as he got closer he noticed the distinctive bubblegum pink hair of Tonks. She was staring intently at the front door and didn’t seem to notice him at all. 

“Tonks, is everything all right?” he asked when he was close enough for her to hear without raising his voice. 

His question seemed to have startled her. He saw her hand slip quickly to her wand on reflex. He had put his own away when he had recognized her. She sighed, clearly relieved, “Oh Remus, it’s you.” She smiled at him. “I was just preparing myself for dinner with Molly.” Remus gave her a quizzical look. “I find it’s better if I, er, tone myself down a bit. I get the feeling Molly thinks I’m too rowdy sometimes.” Remus noticed that her nose crinkled the tiniest bit when she was smiling. “It’s nice not to have to cook for myself. Wouldn’t want to mess up my chances at getting more dinner invitations.” 

“Molly’s cooking is quite good,” Remus replied. He shuffled awkwardly. He usually enjoyed a bit of witty banter with Tonks but he had too much on his mind tonight to think of much to say. “Well if you are ready, I was going to go in.”

“Oh sure, sure. I think I got all the cursing out before you got here,” she teased.

Remus smiled and moved to open the door. The noise from the kitchen was audible as soon as they entered the front hall. Meal times with the Weasleys were always raucous but Remus found it endearing. For someone who had spent most of his life alone the noise was a reminder of the kinship he had found in the Order. And while some may find the noise and overall chaos of the Weasley household trying, Remus found he could forgive Molly and Arthur almost anything. When he had moved into Grimmald Place with their family, neither had one qualm about him staying under the same roof as their children. They had accepted him in a way he had never thought to expect again after James and Lily had died. 

“Sounds like they are well on their way then,” Tonks said breaking Remus reverie. 

“We must be late. We’d better hurry so Molly doesn’t make a fuss.” he responded.

“I’m on it!” Tonks stated as she strode confidently forward toward the kitchen door and stumbled over the hem of her robe. Remus smiled to himself but kept silent as he followed her into the kitchen. 

“Oh there you are! I was starting to worry something had happened!” Molly shouted over the sound of the many dinner side chats. 

“Don’t worry. Everything’s fine Molly,” Remus reassured her.

“Yes no missing limbs. Won’t Mad Eye be proud.” Tonks added. Ginny laughed. 

“Well sit down, sit down.” Molly pointed toward the end of the table where two empty seats were open next to Sirius. “I’ll get you dished up before this lot eats it all.” 

Remus felt a knot in his stomach as he moved to the end of the table to take the seat to the right of Sirius who was sitting at the end, Tonks filing along after him. He had hoped to get a chance to talk with Sirius in private before needing to interact with him in front of everyone. Remus was already flustered, unsure of how to proceed regarding his relationship to Sirius and their interaction this morning had not convinced him that Sirius would be discreet. He would probably find it highly entertaining to tease Remus and make light of the whole situation. 

Sirius seemed to have been keeping to himself, as the twins and Bill were deeply immersed in a conversation about the most horrific curses that Bill had worked on while in Egypt. He grinned widely at Remus as he took his seat and Tonks sat down beside him. “How was work?” he asked.

Remus was saved from having to respond as Tonks seemed to have assumed Sirius was asking her. “Oh it’s right boring. The Ministry wants everything to look as safe as possible. Don’t want any of us doing any real work. They had me tracking down a witch who was working at muggle carnival, bewitching the stuffed animal prizes so they’d bite. Really much more of Arthur’s department but they want us to look busy at work with non-threatening stuff.” Tonks rolled her eyes dramatically. 

“Sounds more interesting than cleaning the den,” Sirius replied with a hint of envy in his voice. 

Molly must have overheard him as she was brining Remus and Tonks’ plates, “I know it’s not high stakes Sirius but really we’ve got to get this place into better condition. We all do our part for the Order.” Remus knew that Molly and Sirius have been having some form of this argument on repeat for the past several weeks. She was trying her best to make Sirius feel helpful but no amount of reminders about the importance of keeping the headquarters safe and fit for habitation was going to convince Sirius that being stuck inside Grimmald Place was anything other than a different kind of prison sentence. Even though being stuck inside a dank old house with the Weasley’s and Remus was infinitely better than a cold cell surrounded by Dementors, Remus knew that Sirius still felt like a prisoner. 

“Yes I know Molly. The cleaning is important. Doesn’t change the fact that it is dull.” Sirius replied. Molly made a huffing noise and left for the other side of the table where she had been sitting with Arthur, shaking her head. 

Tonks didn’t seem to know how to respond and busied herself with eating her dinner. Remus snuck a glance at Sirius. He seemed to be recomposing himself as he sat with his forehead in his hands glaring at his half eaten dinner. “Anyone come by with any news today?” Remus asked, hoping to change the subject to something Sirius was more involved in and less likely to feel frustrated about. 

Sirius glanced up at Remus. “No. Just Mundungus but he didn’t have any updates. I think he was just looking for a place to hide out for the day. He was pretty vague about where he’d been for the last few days...” 

Remus felt the knot in his stomach loosen as the conversation moved onto safer topics and it seemed clear Sirius would neither tease him nor have another outburst of anger about being stuck inside. Eventually Bill’s story about a particularly gruesome case of muggle archaeologist stumbling upon a previously undiscovered cursed tomb before Gringotts, had most of the table’s attention. “It was pretty awful to look at. I don’t think any of us had seen a person turn that particular shade of green before…” 

Remus felt a poke on his shoulder and turned to look at Tonks. “So how often are they on about that?” she whispered. 

“Sirius and Molly you mean?”

“Yes. Talk about awkward.” She glanced over at Sirius to make sure he wasn’t listening. 

“It comes up every so often. I think Molly is trying to help but she just doesn’t get how he feels.” 

“Well I hope they don’t drag you into it to often,” she replied. “It’s not like any of us are having too much fun these days.” Remus was trying to think of a reply when Tonks suddenly licked her finger and smudged it on his face. “You’ve got potatoes on your cheek,” she laughed. He stared at her in amazement. She must not have realized how strange it was for him to have someone touch him so openly without trepidation. 

She misinterpreted his stare and began to apologize, turning a rosy shade of pink, “Oh. I’m sorry I should have asked before I- “ As she had been talking she had tried to scoot away and knocked over a glass with her elbow, which was now spilling into Remus’s lap. “Sorry!” she shouted as she leapt to her feet.   
“It’s okay. It’s not a big deal,” Remus tried to reassure her. 

“And to think I had almost made it through the whole day without spilling anything!” she laughed. Most of the table was now looking at Tonks and Remus. “Not a big deal everyone. I just knocked over a glass. Business as usual.” She was smiling awkwardly at the table. 

“Don’t worry! I’ve got it!” Fred shouted as he jumped up and aimed his wand at the overturned glass. “Scourgify.” The liquid disappeared along with the glass. 

“A little overboard there Fred,” Bill stated. “Traditionally you only clear up the spill not the whole glass.” 

“Oh Fred! Now the set will have an odd number!” Molly chided. 

“The important thing is that he got rid of the mess.” George joined in to defend his brother and Molly and the Weasley children fell to bickering over the finer points of cleaning spells.

Tonks sat back down and whispered to Remus, “Err I am sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you. I don’t always think things like that through before I do them.” She hid her face behind her hands.

“It’s not a problem. It’s just most people, well I’m just not use to people touching me.” Remus replied avoiding eye contact. 

Tonks seemed to be appraising his words, when Sirius appeared kneeling down between them. “I think I’m going to go upstairs,” he said to Remus. “I’ll talk to you later.” Remus turned to reply but he was already heading out the door. 

“I guess you're still getting dragged into it,” Tonks teased in a playful voice. 

“What?” Remus asked confused, his heart beat rapidly increasing. How could Tonks know what Sirius was implying? 

“Oh I just thought he wanted to talk to you about having to clean with Molly.” she replied, raising an eyebrow.

“Oh. Yes. Probably.” Remus nodded a bit too enthusiastically. 

“Good luck!” Tonks said, raising her arms up to stretch. “I probably should get going anyways. Got work and guard duty tomorrow. And probably more things to spill on people. Tell me how it goes. You know how I thrive on chaos.” she joked in a dramatic tone as she stood up. She walked over to thank Molly for dinner leaving Remus alone with his thoughts.


	4. Chapter 4

The house was dark and silent by the time Remus finally left the dining room. After Tonks had departed, he had sat alone lost in his thoughts. He supposed he must have looked troubled as no one had interrupted him. Even Molly had only looked at him for a moment before silently leaving the room and returning a few moments later with a cup of tea which she set on the table next to him before retreating up the stairs herself. There was a sort of unwritten code the adults of the house seemed to uphold when it came to brooding. Anyone old enough to remember the first war experienced bouts of despair and it had become their custom to leave the space for lamentation. No one wanted to be the first to break the silence. It was too hard to speak of the people they had lost when the possibility of more death was so close and ever present. 

Death was very present on Remus’ mind. What had begun as contemplation about a relationship with Sirius had inevitably devolved to thoughts of the past and all his losses. He felt lost in his own loneliness. He had not felt much at all in the years since he had lost James and Lily, and presumed Peter, as well at the hands of Sirius. Even in the two years since he had discovered Sirius’ innocents, he had not been able to bring himself around to reaching out to him. He made excuses. Sirius was on the run. Sirius knew where to find Remus if he wanted to. Sirius shouldn’t be distracted from his duties to Harry. He knew if he had really wanted to he could have reach out. He could have offered to stay with Sirius. Afterall as a werewolf he didn’t have many ties to the wizarding world anyways and Sirius was not in danger of him in his dog form. But he had chose to run and hide when his chance for reconciliation had come. He had hurt too much for too long to consider caring for anyone again.

But here was another chance. He could have his friend back and possibly even more. But he also knew that Sirius was in a dark place. He was impulsive and arrogant as always, but with little left to lose, couped up in the house for days on end he had reached new levels of recklessness. To enter into any sort of intimate relationship could end in disaster. Would Sirius be more willing or less to heed Remus if they were lovers? Remus knew his own weaknesses as well. He needed acceptance and affection. He knew that he would be far more lenient than he should be in order to maintain it. Sirius may be lonely but he had never craved acceptance. One of the things Remus had always admired about him was his self confidence. A relationship between them would be inevitably unbalanced. 

Yet when he thought of all the losses he’d sustained and the potential of more to come, he couldn’t shake the feeling that this may be one of his last chances for happiness. 

He sighed deeply. Slowly he got to his feet. He took the untouched cup of tea to the sink before finally making his way up the stairs to his room. 

Sirius was already in Remus’ room, lying on his bed idly thumbing through a book. He looked up with a smile when he heard the door open. 

“Took you long enough,” he stated as he got to his feet, abandoning the book on the bed. “Was Molly boring you with all the details about how the cleaning is going?” Despite the content of his question he seemed rather amused. A far cry from his earlier outburst at dinner. 

“No. I was just thinking,” Remus replied vaguely. He wasn’t sure how to proceed. He paused hovering just inside the door. . 

Sirius approached him, casually taking his hands. “You look tired. I suppose that’s because the full moon is coming up,” Sirius ventured. Remus’ entire body tensed. In all his emotional upheaval he had forgotten that the full moon was only three days away. If Sirius noticed the tensing he didn’t mention it. He seemed to hesitate for a moment and then he added “If you want, I could stay with you like old times. I know you have the potion now but I thought you might like the company.” 

For the first time all night Remus looked Sirius in the eyes. He thought he saw genuine warmth and tenderness. He was touched by Sirius’ offer. He had not expected it, though he wasn’t entirely sure why. Sirius had spent many nights with Remus in the Shrieking Shack and roaming the grounds of Hogwarts. But this offer seemed different. This time they would be alone, just the two of them. It felt more intimate. Even more intimate than the passionate night they had spent together last night. 

Remus was suddenly aware of Sirius still looking at him intently, smiling, still holding his hands, expecting some kind of response. He broke away and moved a step back. He saw Sirius’ face fall. “I-I’m sorry. I’m just not use to being touched like this,” he added hastily. 

Sirius smiled again and moved closer, wrapping his arms around Remus. “You’ll get used to it,” he whispered. He began trailing kisses along Remus’ jaw and down his neck. 

Remus shuddered but didn't resist. “I just don’t know what this is,” he whispered back. 

“What what is?” Sirius asked breathlessly.

Remus pushed him back slightly. Sirius looked up at him slightly annoyed. “This. You and me.”

Sirius smirked. “We’re two good friends. Having fun.” When Remus didn’t respond he added with a hint of irritation in his voice, “Well what do you want Remus? I don’t have much to offer being unable to leave the house and all.” He turned his back and moved to sit on the bed. 

“That’s not what I meant,” Remus replied with a sigh. He did not have much experience navigating this kind of relationship and he felt flustered and uncomfortably hot. His body at least knew what it wanted. He crossed the room and sat down next to Sirius who looked more than a little put out. “I’ve never been with anyone who cared for me all that much. Not after they found out that I’m a werewolf,” he explained in a hushed voice. 

Sirius’ face softened and he pulled Remus against his chest. “You know I don’t care about that.” 

“It’s not just that. We’re at war. Nobody is safe… I just don’t want to misunderstand. I don’t want to take this for something it’s not.” He shifted uncomfortably but Sirius didn’t let go. 

“Moony. I like you. You like me. We don’t need to make it more complicated than that. Friends with benefits,” Sirius replied in his charmasmic way, hugging Remus tight to him. “Good?” he asked.

“Good,” Remus replied not sure at all that it was. 

“Well now that we have that settled, I can think of some much more entertaining things we can do,” Sirius teased. Remus didn’t reply. He allowed himself to simply lay in Sirius’ embrace, hiding his face against his chest. Sirius began tracing light circles on his back. “You can relax you know. I’d promise not to bite but you seemed to enjoy it last night,” he joked. 

Remus looked up at his remark. He felt a mixture of foolish shyness and unbridled joy, all of it tinged with fear. Sirius looked relaxed and confident. Remus wondered at his ability to be so open and fearless in light of all he had been through. He had noticed a darkness in Sirius since their reunion but tonight it was as if the old Sirius was here with him, lighthearted and unfettered. He watched Remus quietly waiting for a sign that he was ready to move forward. 

With a sense of finality, Remus leaned in for a kiss.


	5. Chapter 5

Over the following weeks Remus and Sirius formed a pattern. The nights when Remus was home Sirius would inevitably come knocking on his door after everyone else was in bed, complaining of boredom or jokingly demanding that he desperately needed to talk with Remus. Remus would hold the door open for him and Sirius would enter the room with the same self satisfied smile on his face. He would take Remus’ hands and pull him close. 

His casual, insistent gestures of affection seemed to be making an impact on Remus. For the first few nights, he still hesitated, impeded by a mixture of inexperience and the carefully cultivated reserved manner he had adopted in response to rejections both real and perceived. But gradually he relaxed. He became more open to Sirius’ affection and at times he even began to initiate their physical contact. 

They would spend their nights exploring each other. But afterwards they would often reminisce about their school days or talk about Remus’ day. Sirius insisted that his was much too boring to recount. Sirius was open to discussion as long as Remus kept things light and lively. The few times he broached the topics of the the period leading up to James and Lily’s deaths or about Sirius’ time in Azkaban, Sirius at first attempt to change the subject with some humorous quip but when Remus pushed the subject he grew quiet and withdrawn. His face became dark and sullen but he never threatened to leave. When Sirius got like this Remus inevitably gave in and changed the subject himself or forwent talk altogether and kissed him instead. Eventually Sirius always fell asleep in Remus’ bed instead of leaving to return to his own. Remus suspected that he didn’t want to sleep alone but Remus could hardly blame him. He didn’t either. 

The only deviation to this pattern had been the nights of the full moon. Even though Sirius had offered to stay with Remus through his transformation, the night of the first full moon he had felt apprehensive. Even though Sirius had seen the transformation many times, Remus worried that perhaps seeing it through the eyes of a lover would make it seem even more grotesque. And even though the danger was minimal due to the wolfsbane potion and Sirius’ ability to also transform, Remus still felt fear and guilt at the thought of anyone putting themselves in danger for his own comfort. He had tried to assure Sirius he would be fine alone but Sirius insisted that he would stay. By the time Remus had confined himself to his room, Sirius was already curled up on his bed in his dog form. Remus smiled weakly at him. He bound across the room, leapt up and licked Remus on the cheek. 

When the full moon finally ended a few nights later, Sirius showed up at his door once more. That night they only talked as Remus was still weak from his nights of transformation, but when Sirius had fallen asleep he still had his arm resting across Remus’ chest. Remus had burrowed close against him that night, in awe of his complete unconcern about cuddling with a werewolf. 

They had decided to keep their arrangement private. Sirius had argued that it would be too complicated to explain and since neither of them knew how Molly and Arthur would react it was easier to just keep to themselves. Remus could hardly dispute his reasoning, though he didn’t really think Molly and Arthur would take issue with a same sex relationship. But then again, he reminded himself, this was not really a relationship. Not in the traditional sense. 

His nights with Sirius became bubbles of happiness. A sweet respite to the growing darkness of the oncoming war. He didn’t mind so much that they were self contained. Not that Remus didn’t want the recognition of committed partnership, but he had never expected to be able to have any sort of long term relationship. Even one that was secret and almost entirely physical in nature. He would take what he could get and try not to dwell on it too much. Besides he could not remember being so happy since he left Hogwarts so many years ago. 

He found his days easier to get through, with something to look forward to at night. At times he even caught himself smiling and day dreaming. He even found the energy to interact with the rest of the household and the Order more often. He began participating in the meal time discussions more heartily, took to team assignments with a new sense of animation and even began offering to help Molly around the house in his down time. 

She was thankful for the extra help. Particularly from someone who was both able to use magic and didn’t constantly complain that each task was even more tedious than the one before. She appreciated the enjoyable conversation Remus brought to the cleaning effort. After a few days of working together she asked, “Well Remus, you seem to be feeling better dear. You seemed all out of sorts a few weeks ago.” Remus smiled at her but didn’t reply. “I wonder what’s cheered you up?” She asked as they blasted some black mold off the ceiling in one of the upper floor bedrooms.

“I suppose just getting to be around people more,” Remus answered evasively. He felt Molly must have had her own idea about what had caused his change in mood based on her coy tone.“I usually spend a lot of time alone.”

“Oh. Oh of course,” she replied turning a bit red in the face. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think about that Remus.” She obviously felt she must have hit a touchy subject. 

“Don’t worry about it Molly. I know my lifestyle is a bit unorthodox,” he smiled to let her know that she had not offended him. 

She returned his smile and spent a silent moment concentrating on a particularly bad corner mold. When she spoke again she changed the subject to dinner plans. 

Remus had thought that would be the end of her questioning, until later that evening before dinner. As Remus was heading into the dining room Molly pulled him aside in the hall. “I invited Tonks over again, “ She whispered. Remus gave her a quizzical look, wondering why she was whispering. “I’ll set her up next to you at the table,” she said patting him on the arm and giving him a sly smile before heading into the dining room. 

“What was that about?” Sirius asked as he made his way toward Remus from the stairs. 

Remus chuckled. “I think Molly thinks I fancy Tonks.” 

Sirius raised an eyebrow. “What gave her that idea?”

“I think that’s her guess at what has got me so cheerful these days,” he answered following Sirius into the dining room. 

Remus found the whole thing a bit amusing. He found it endearing that Molly had took so much of an interest in his well being and her guess wasn’t entirely unfounded. Tonks was his favorite member of the Order to work with. He found her self confidence admirable and her snarky brand of humor made work with her entertaining. They got along well, but he had never thought of her as anything other than a fellow comrade. It was nice working together and he cared for her as he cared for all the Order members but he had hardly spent time with her outside of Order business and the occasional group dinner. Besides he doubted someone as young and vibrant as Tonks would ever be interested in a shabby, middle aged werewolf. 

Sirius found it amusing too. Later that night after dinner he had teased Remus about the whole ordeal. “I better be careful or Molly will match make you away from me.” Remus had rolled his eyes at that and Sirius, laughing pulled him in for a kiss. 

Molly didn’t bring Tonks up again but a few days later she cornered Remus again while he was eating breakfast. “Remus, have you seen Sirius? I wanted to ask him about some chests I found in one of the bedrooms upstairs but he wasn’t in his room.” 

Remus took his time chewing his toast before answering, “Maybe he’s feeding Buckbeak.” He tried to sound nonchalant. 

Molly narrowed her eyes and put her hand on her hip. “Yes I thought of that but he wasn’t there either. In fact I can’t seem to find him anywhere.”

Remus swallowed hard. “Well it is his house. He probably knows places to be alone that none of us are even aware of.” He felt his heartbeat quicken. He had a feeling Molly was interested in more than the chests upstairs. 

“Well I just thought you might know. Since you spend so much time together in the evenings,” she replied staring him down. 

Remus smiled back at her. He was starting to think she knew exactly where Sirius was. She was trying to get him to come clean. “Sorry Molly I haven’t spoken to him this morning.” That was not entirely a lie, he had still been asleep when Remus came down stairs. 

Her face softened. “I’m sure he’ll show up. You two are just so close I thought he might have told you his hiding spot,” she said in a lighter tone. “Although I don’t know why he thinks he needs to hide.” She smiled knowingly at Remus. 

Remus shoved some eggs into his mouth while Molly waited for him to reply. He was sure now that she knew but she didn’t seem upset. In fact, it seemed like she was trying to let him know it was okay to tell her. For a moment he considered it but decided it would only complicate things. He finished his eggs and said, “Sorry I couldn’t help. Well I have to go. Guard duty today, you know..” Molly didn’t reply but frowned at his departure.


	6. Chapter 6

When Sirius met up with Remus after dinner he was in a foul mood. At his knock, Remus opened the door as usual, ready to tell Sirius all about the morning’s incident with Molly, but before he could get a word out Sirius stomped in the room, fuming. He didn’t even greet Remus at all, instead he broke out in a tirade, “He’s being completely unreasonable! I don’t know how long we are suppose to sit around doing nothing. It’s already been a month.” 

“Sirius, what are you talking about?” Remus asked carefully.

“Dumbledore!” He exclaimed. His face was flushed. “I asked him if we could bring Harry home before his birthday. He said it was too soon. He’s so cryptic when it suits him! Won’t even explain to me why Harry even has to stay with those Muggles at all. From what Harry says they are awful.”

“I wish we could bring Harry here for his birthday too, but Dumbledore will have his reasons for wanting him to stay where he is,” Remus answered moving toward Sirius and attempting to take his hands.

Sirius shook him off and continued, “ Yes, he always has reasons. Just won’t share them with the rest of us.” 

“You know it’s some kind of protection magic. He tried to explain it before. Harry has to stay with his aunt at least long enough to call her house home--” Remus began to explain before Sirius cut him off.

“That place isn’t a home. He should be here with us. He didn’t have another option before but now that I’m free, he can call this place home.”

“That’s not exactly how it works,” Remus said with a sigh. He gave up trying to calm Sirius by touch and slumped onto the bed. “It has to do with Lily’s blood. I don’t think anyone other than Dumbledore knows for sure how it works.” 

Sirius gave him a disgusted look, “And I suppose you side with him then?”

Remus looked at Sirius pointedly, “Of course. If it keeps Harry safe.” Sirius was about to retort when Remus put his hand up to stop him, “You are just disappointed. There aren’t sides. You trust Dumbledore just as much as I do.” 

Sirius seemed to deflate. He glared at the wall silently for a moment, tapping his foot. Then with a sigh he threw himself on the bed next to Remus. Remus couldn’t help but smile at his dramatics. He lifted Sirius’ head into his lap and began running his fingers through his hair. “I was guarding Harry today. Of course I couldn’t talk to him but he seemed fine enough. A bit bored but better bored than in danger.” 

Sirius looked up at Remus, who smiled down at him. “Alright. You’re right. I just wanted him to have a good birthday for once.” 

“I know,” Remus replied quietly. “Maybe we can throw him a belated party when he gets here. I’m sure Molly would be more than happy to help.” 

Sirius sat up. “I suppose if that’s the best we can do under the circumstances,” he said moodily but Remus could see a hint of a smile shining through. “It’s better than nothing,” he finished taking Remus’ hand. Remus moved to massage his hand gently, planning his next words carefully. Sirius was hard to deter when he was in one of his dark moods. He didn’t want to bring up anything that would prolong his sulkiness. 

“That feels good,” Sirius whispered. He shifted closer to Remus. Remus gave him a shy smile, feeling confident that he had properly distracted Sirius from his brooding. Sirius cupped his face with his free hand. “So how was your day?” Sirius asked in a voice that made it clear he wasn’t thinking about talking. 

“Do you really want to know?” Remus asked laughing lightly as Sirius began to nuzzle his neck. 

“Sure,” he replied, grabbing the bottom of Remus’ shirt and tugging it over his head “I live vicariously through you. I wait all day long so you can remind me what day light is like,” he said sardonically as he tossed the shirt across the room. 

“We can, er, not talk if you like,” Remus blushed. 

Sirius gave him a smug look, “Why do you think I threw your shirt across the room?” He pushed Remus down on to the bed. “But it is nice to talk to someone adult who isn’t Molly,” he added in an honest voice. “It’s nice to have so many people in the house but it’s tiresome being on one’s best behavior all the time.” He traced an idle pattern on Remus’ chest. 

“Oh! That reminds me!” Remus said. “I had an interesting chat with Molly at breakfast…” and he recounted his earlier encounter with Molly. 

Afterwards Sirius smirked at him and said, “So what if she knows. Sometimes she is just a bit to nosy,” he added with a sour look. He had laid down on the bed next to Remus while he had been detailing his story. He gripped Remus’ hip and attempted to pull him closer.

“You still don’t think we should tell them?” Remus ventured, sitting up. Sirius made an annoyed exhale. Remus ignored it. He didn’t feel there was much sense in keeping it a secret now that Molly had obviously guessed and shown no signs of disapproval. 

“I don’t see how it’s any of their business what we choose to do in our free time,” Sirius replied brusquely, as he also sat up. 

Remus pursed his lips. The comforting playful mood of a moment before broken. 

He had hoped that the reason Sirius didn’t want to reveal the nature of their relationship was that he had feared making things awkward and tense if Molly and Arthur had disapproved. He had thought that perhaps if Sirius knew they didn’t care, he’d be comfortable being more open. Now he wondered what his real reason for hiding their relationship was. He couldn’t help but feeling that perhaps Sirius was ashamed to admit he was intimate with a werewolf, despite his insistence that he didn’t care about Remus’ condition. 

Sirius was watching Remus closely. “You are quiet,” he stated. He sighed. “You want to tell her?” Remus, frowning, didn’t answer. “It just makes things complicated Moony. It’s better not to say anything, really.” Sirius’ voice rang with a quality that Remus thought sounded pleading. 

Remus took a deep breath and asked, “Why?” He noticed a sharp edge to his own voice. 

Sirius squeezed his hand, “You really have to ask? I have the dementor’s kiss hanging over my head. I can’t even leave the house. Who knows if that’s ever going to get sorted out, even if we win the war.” Remus inhaled sharply, readying a rebut, but then Sirius met his eyes. He looked almost distraught. “I can’t be your partner Remus. So what’s the point pretending? Why can’t we just enjoy this for now, for what it is.” When he finished speaking he was breathing heavily and staring determinately at the floor. 

This was the most vulnerable he had been with Remus since the conversation the first night they had slept together. All at once, Remus felt guilty for thinking that Sirius had been ashamed of him. He felt a sudden overwhelming rush of love and gratitude. With a quickness that took Sirius by surprise, Remus pushed him down on the bed and kissed him deeply. Sirius returned the kiss, sliding his hands down to Remus’ hips and pulling him flush against his chest. When they broke for air Sirius asked, “Not that I’m complaining, but weren’t you just mad at me?”

Remus, smiling, kissed him on the forehead. “I thought you didn’t want to tell anyone because you were ashamed to be with me.”

Sirius gave Remus a slightly horrified look, “Don’t be a prat. I’d never be ashamed of you.” 

“I know,” Remus laughed and hugged Sirius tight. “I know. I just- I’ve never- This is all new to me.” 

Sirius held Remus tightly and rubbed his back. “Well you are getting better at it, “ he joked. “Especially at the snogging part.” And Remus kissed him again.


	7. Chapter 7

When the morning came, Remus found it very hard to leave his bed. As usual Sirius was still sleeping soundly beside him. Remus smiled as he watched him take slow, steady breaths in his sleep. Memories of the night before were still fresh and the allure of waking Sirius instead of going to work was powerful. But, Remus mused to himself, if he didn’t take the responsible role they would probably wouldn’t leave his room until dinner. He kissed Sirius lightly on the lips and reluctantly rolled himself out of bed to get ready.

He knew he was suppose to help Tonks with something today but she hadn’t had enough time to give him all the details the day before. He selected some nondescript Muggle clothing and quietly dressed. 

Once in the hall, he could hear Molly and Tonks’ loud conversation echoing from downstairs. 

“I thought the point was to blend in? Don’t you think this is a bit much?” he heard Molly ask. 

“We will blend in by standing out,” Tonks reassured her. 

“Tonks, dear. That doesn’t make much sense,” Molly replied dryly. 

Remus headed down the stairs curious to see what they were talking about. It became eminently obvious as soon as Tonks was in view. She was wearing an extravagant, floor length Muggle dress. It was light blue, with frilly lace about the neckline and hem. Her hair was in golden blond ringlets, half of it artfully pinned in a bun and the rest cascading down her back. She was holding a matching blue parasol. Remus was reminded of the pictures of Muggle princesses. 

“Sure it does Molly! If we look rich and important no one will think to question us. They’ll want to leave us well alone. It’s how Muggle society works.” Molly did not look convinced. She was about to respond when Tonks noticed Remus on the stairs. “Ah there you are!” She exclaimed rushing toward him pushing a bag he hadn’t noticed before into his hands. “Here this is your disguise. I borrowed some of my dad’s Muggle clothes. They’ll probably be a bit big on you but we’ll make it work.”

“Tonks is taking the disguise portion of the mission a bit seriously,” Molly explained as Remus looked into the bag.

“Oh I even have our back stories all picked out. Mad-Eye always says you should have your lies well prepared ahead of time in case your tortured,” Tonks said with a wink at Remus.

Molly shifted uncomfortably but replied in an exasperated tone, “Well I hardly think you are going to be tortured in the streets!” 

“All the same, best to be prepared,” Tonks attempted a serious tone but could hardly contain her laughter. Molly gave her a scathing look. “Anyways you better get ready Remus! We need to get a move on or we are going to miss our target.” 

“I’ll get you a bit of breakfast if you want to meet us in the kitchen,” Molly called after him as he returned upstairs to get dressed. 

Remus met Tonks and Molly in the kitchen a few moments later wearing a Muggle suit. It had indeed been a few sizes too big but Remus had managed to shrink it to a proper size. When he entered the room Tonks placed a hat on his head to complete the ensemble. “There! Dressed like that no one will recognize you from afar.” She stood back to look over the finished product. 

“Too bad Arthur already left for work. I think he would have loved to have seen this,” Molly said as she handed Remus a plate of toast. 

Remus thanked her, eagerly cramming a piece in his mouth. “Well we should get going!” Tonks said cheerily taking the plate of toast from Remus and setting it on the table before he had even had a chance to finish the first piece. She tugged on his arm, pulling him towards the hall as he looked longingly at the rest of the toast. 

Once they were out the front door, Remus stopped abruptly, “You haven’t even told me what we are doing yet.” 

“Oh. Sorry. Got a bit carried away. The costumes are my favorite part,” she grinned widely. “We are doing a bit of reconnaissance up town. We have some suspicions that the Death Eaters are scouting for members in the area. Dumbledore just wants us to keep a watch and report our observations,” she explained in a more serious tone.

“Are we walking then?” Remus asked. 

“Just a bit. It’s actually a bit too close to home for my comfort. It’s better not to apparate. Wouldn’t want to blow our Muggle cover,” she replied opening her parasol and started strolling down the street. 

Remus hurried after her. “You mentioned something about back stories?” he asked inquisitively. 

“Oh I was mostly teasing Molly, but I figured we could pretend to be on a date. The area is close to a park so I figured we could pose as a Muggle couple taking a nice long afternoon stroll in the park.” Remus had caught up with her and was now walking beside her. “Don’t tell Molly but mostly I just wanted to wear this ridiculous dress. I hardly ever get to wear fun Muggle clothes as an Auror.” 

He wasn’t sure how to respond to her remarks so they walked along in silence for several minutes. Tonks seemed content to amble along silently in her Muggle dress, twirling her parasol occasionally, for several blocks before she finally said, “You are so quiet today Remus.”

“Just tired I suppose. Long night,” he replied, smiling inwardly. 

She gave him a quizzical look and said, “Well we are almost there anyways.” She pointed towards a park at the end of the next block. “That’s the start of the park. There’s an apartment building on the other side that’s entirely wizard housing. We’ll be watching for most of the day to see if we recognize any known Death Eaters scrounging around.” 

“Sounds straightforward,” Remus replied. 

“Right boring you mean,” Tonks answered. “But we’ll make due.” When they reached the corner of the park Tonks slowed her walk and held out her elbow. Remus looked at her confused until she said, “Well take my arm. We are suppose to look like a happy couple.” 

Remus hesitated for a few more seconds then linked his arm with hers. They made a first slow pass around the park arm in arm, both watching the streets for any signs of familiar faces. Remus was having a hard time focusing. He was uncomfortably aware of the prolonged contact. Even after weeks of intimate contact with Sirius, it still felt very strange to be touching another person. Stranger still that Tonks hardly seemed to notice. He found that he appreciated the causal ease she had around him. It was rare thing to encounter someone who so relaxed around a werewolf. 

They encountered few people on their first round around the park path and all of them seemed to be Muggles. There was a man with a briefcase, walking briskly in the opposite direction, a group of children chasing each other around the fountain at the center of the park and a hunched over old woman wearing a bright orange head scarf and leaning heavily on a cane. Tonks had them do a few more meandering laps around the park, which were uneventful except for when Tonks slipped on a piece of rubbish and fell nearly taking Remus down with her. He had managed to keep his balance and pull her back up to her feet. Finally after their fourth trip around, Tonks stopped at a bench with a clear view of the wizarding apartment building. 

“Let’s take a break. We’re going to be here a while. Can’t walk all day,” she said. Remus took a seat next to her on the bench. “Just keep on talking with me. We don’t want to make it too obvious what we’re watching. I’ve got a pretty good view here without turning away from you.”

“Well let me know if you need me to move or anything,” Remus replied awkwardly. He wasn’t quite sure what to talk about. 

“Will do,” Tonks said. Remus had the feeling she had repressed the urge to roll her eyes. “Why are you being so weird today?” 

“What do you mean? I’m not being weird,” Remus said, trying to keep his voice as neutral as possible. 

“Yes you are,” she replied. “There is something different about you today. Like you are distracted.” She had an odd tone to her voice that Remus couldn’t quite place. She shifted an inch to the right and squinted at something in the distance but then shook her head to indicate it wasn’t anything worthy of note. Then she looked directly at Remus and smiled. “I think I know though. Molly was hinting at it.”

Remus resisted the urge to jump up. “What? What did Molly say?” 

“Well she didn’t come right out and say it but she implied that you are seeing someone. Said you were a lot more cheerful lately and distracted,” She leaned in closer, smiling amiably. “Only she wouldn’t say who it was. Said I should talk to you about it.” Remus felt his heart banging against his chest. “Well who’s the lucky lady?” she asked.

“It’s complicated,” Remus answered quickly, looking away. Molly at least hadn’t confided her suspicion that he was with Sirius, otherwise she wouldn’t have asked about a lady. 

“So complicated you can’t tell your dear old friend Tonks?” her voice was light and teasing. Remus didn’t answer. Should he tell her about Sirius? He looked back at Tonks face. She looked at him thoughtfully for a moment and then her face turned from contemplation to anger. “Unless,” she said with a pause. “Unless she’s too afraid to say she’s dating you?” she asked in an accusatory tone. 

Remus was momentarily caught off guard by Tonks’ sincere concern. He was touched that she would be so offended at the thought of someone keeping a relationship with him a secret because of his condition. He smiled to reassure her, “No it’s not that. It’s just, well complicated.” 

Tonks scrutinized him for a moment as if she were trying to decide if she believed him or not. “Well she’s being dumb for keeping you a secret,” she said with an air of certainty. “She ought to claim you before someone else tries to.”

Remus laughed, “Oh yes because they are all lining up to get a chance with me.” It was his turn to roll his eyes. 

“Oh don’t be a prat. I’m sure there’s plenty of women interested in you,” Remus gave her an incredulous look. “Hey you are a good person Remus,” she insisted. He smiled, sadly at her, as if to say ‘you are kind to think so’. “Alright fine, maybe it’s just the one then!” she exclaimed in an annoyed voice. But as soon as she had said it her face flushed pink and she clapped a hand over her mouth. 

“What-” Remus began but Tonks cut him off.

“Let’s just pretend that didn’t happen,” she said in a mortified voice. “Sometimes I’m just as clumsy with words as I am with everything else.” 

Remus felt him own face turning red. He wanted to ask her what she had meant when she said ‘just the one’. Why was she blushing? He had thought she meant ‘just the one’ you are seeing, but her reaction seemed to imply that she meant something else. He was looking at her nervously and she was pointedly looking past him. 

“We should probably do another lap. Walk closer to the building,” She said in a business like tone. She got to her feet and held her arm out to him again. He rose from the bench and once again linked arms with her. 

They walked in silence for an entire circuit of the park. Remus was torn. Part of him wanted to ask for clarification and the other part was very determined that she should be the one to break the silence. He was suddenly aware of his social awkwardness, something he was usually able to forget when he was around Tonks. Years of keeping almost entirely to himself left him at a loss when it came to navigating these types of situations. He was unsure if he should say something to break the tension. He wasn’t even sure why there was tension to break.

Remus was trying to think of something innocuous to say to clear the air when Tonks finally spoke. She was back to her usual easy going manner when she asked him how the rest of his week’s assignments had gone. Remus answered in detail, thankful for an easier subject of conversation.


	8. Chapter 8

“It must be nearly dinner time,” Tonks said longingly as they rounded the corner. They were only a block away from Grimmauld Place. 

“I hope so,” Remus replied. He was eager to be back home. It had been a long day. Watching the same building for several hours straight had been tedious, especially because nothing worthy of interest to report had occurred. And though they had managed to salvage the day from a heavy burden of awkwardness, Tonks had still been a bit distant for the rest of the day. Their conversation had remained rather shallow and Remus had felt an undercurrent of tension he didn’t quite understand. He was beginning to wonder if Tonks were angry with him, though he had no idea what he could had done to have upset her. 

“And this dress has definitely lost its charm,” Tonks said stumbling for the fourth or fifth time as they approached the steps to the house. Tonks threw open the door with an unnecessary amount of force and cursed loudly when the painting of Mrs. Black began wailing. “Fuck. I always forget about the damn picture!” 

Remus pulled out his wand and silenced the photo over Tonks’ shoulder. “Thanks.” She said, pushing into the house. “I’ve got to get out of this dress.” She vanished down the hall and into a bedroom, brushing past Fred and George.

“Hey Lupin,” Fred greeted him cheerily.

“Just here to deal with Sirius’ dear old mum,” George announced ripping the curtains forcefully over the silently belligerent portrait. 

“Foods up if you are ready. I’m sure dad will love your outfit,” Fred added. 

Remus thanked them and headed up to his room to change. Despite Arthur’s assured disappointment, he didn’t want to risk ruining the suit since it didn’t belong to him. He was slightly disappointed to find his room empty, though he supposed it would seem odd if Sirius had spent the entire day lounging in Remus’ bedroom. He changed back into his own clothes and headed back down the stairs to dinner. 

Dinner was in full swing when he arrived. Most of the Weasleys and Hermione were around the table eating and chatting animatedly, except for Molly who was walking around the table doling out seconds to anyone with an ounce of space left on their plate. Sirius was seated at the far end of the table with an empty space next to him. His eyes met Remus’ and he smiled for the briefest of moments. 

Molly approached Remus and whispered, “I saved you that seat.” She pointed to the empty spot next to Sirius and smiled purposefully. “I’ll bring you a plate.” Remus tried not to laugh as she waltzed back over to the table to put a plate together. He had half expected her to wink. 

Remus made his way over to Sirius and took a seat. Sirius leaned in close and whispered, “I missed you.” His lips were so close Remus could feel the vibration of his words along his neck. He smiled in response. 

Molly set Remus’ plate on the table in front of him. For once she didn’t make a comment but instead just jeered happily at the two of them and wandered back toward the other end of the table. 

“Well it’s fine if she thinks we’re her new gay best friends if it gets her off my back about all the cleaning,” Sirius whispered as she left. Remus gave Sirius a curious look. “Well if she thinks she knows, what’s it matter?” He said with a hint of irritation. “I’m not standing up to make a speech though.” Remus just smiled smugly at him and started in on his dinner. 

The kitchen door slammed open as Tonks stumbled in, now wearing robes and her usual pink hair. She had very audible screamed “Shit” as she had fallen into the room and quickly coughed loudly to try to cover her outburst as she regained her balance. Molly was staring at her disapprovingly, Bill was poorly covering up his own laughter and the twins were giving her sympathetic thumbs up. “Ah good evening everyone.” she said defeatedly as she noticed their responses. 

Remus pulled out the empty chair on his other side for her and smiled kindly. She made brief eye contact with him before taking a seat next to Bill on the other side of the table. 

“I don’t know how she’s always getting away with cursing. If I shouted shit Molly would have lectured me for Merlin knows how long,” Sirius said, buttering a roll. 

Remus, who had been frowning at the spot Tonks had been standing in, turned back toward Sirius, “That’s because you are never remorseful. You curse to get a rise out of Molly more than anything.”

Sirius handed Remus the buttered roll. “I happen to find cursing to be a perfectly good way to break the tension. Nothing makes you feel better than a perfectly timed ‘fuck’.” He whispered as he winked at Remus who had turned a deep shade of red. 

The rest of dinner had gone by in a haze of embarrassment and glee as Sirius made quiet suggestive jokes and Remus tried not to lose his composure. He had managed to have a halfway decent conversation with Hermione about her studying strategies for her upcoming OWLs year, even with Sirius whispering dirty puns under his breath whenever there was a lull in the conversation. 

After the kids had gone to bed, the adults had stayed around the table long enough for a quick Order update and a round of drinks. Finally Molly and Arthur had retreated upstairs to bed. When they had left, Bill confided he was going out for a while to help Fleur with a bit of late night English study, and asked if everyone would be kind enough not to mention it to his mother. 

“Don’t worry about it mate!” Sirius said with a wave. 

Tonks got to her feet as Bill left the kitchen. Remus noticed she looked uncharacteristically nervous, “Well I should get going too. Got regular work tomorrow.”

“Good night Tonks. It was fun working with you today,” Remus said, hoping to cheer her.

“Yeah you too!” she said quickly. Her face was flushed pink. “See you.” she finished, rushing out. 

“Later then,” Sirius said lazily. He had poured himself another drink. Remus was wondering about the reason behind Tonks strange behavior, half wondering if he ought to follow her to ask if she was okay. But then he heard the front door open and shut, gently this time, and knew she had already gone. 

“Well I guess we ought to go to bed too,” Remus said after she had left. 

Sirius downed his drink and stood up gesturing toward the hall, “After you.” 

“Good night then,” Remus said. He had been assuming they were going to their separate rooms and Sirius would join him later when the coast was clear but Sirius’ gesture had left him unsure. He started toward the stairs and Sirius followed him. They walked up the stairs together. Sirius was very close. Close enough for their hands to brush against each other. 

When they got to landing Remus turned toward his room but Sirius grabbed his hand. Remus turned to face him. Sirius had an urgent sort of look on his face. Remus was about to ask him what was wrong when Sirius abruptly pushed him against the wall and began kissing him. Remus could taste the alcohol on his tongue. 

“I thought you didn’t want anyone to know,” he whispered when Sirius pulled back. 

“I said I wasn’t going to tell them. Guess it doesn’t matter if they find out,” he replied. He began kissing Remus’ neck. Tracing little circles with his tongue.

Remus moaned quietly before pushing Sirius back. “The hallway is hardly the best place for this.” 

“You’re right,” Sirius replied but he kept Remus pinned to the wall. “But don’t you get bored, cooped up in your bedroom all the time?” He whispered in Remus ear. His voice was seductive and earnest. 

“We could go to your bedroom instead,” he panted. He was having a hard time focusing on the conversation with Sirius so close. It had already been a long night enduring his innuendo at dinner. 

“I was thinking something more adventurous,” Sirius whispered, caressing Remus’ ear with his teeth. 

“Adventurous?” Remus echoed.

“We could go out. Just for a bit.” He whispered. 

Rationality and good sense hit Remus hard as he realized what Sirius wanted. “Sirius, no,” he answered sternly, pushing him away a few inches. 

Sirius’ alluring demeanor turned to frustration in an instant. “Moony, just for a bit. I just need to go out for a bit,” Remus felt pity as he saw the desperation in Sirius’ eyes. “We could be back in an hour. I just need to see something other than this nasty house for a bit. Please.” he pleaded. Remus felt heartless having to deny him. He had rarely ever heard Sirius use the word please.

“It’s too dangerous.”

“I’ll go as Padfoot.”

“No. They know what your animagus form looks like.” 

“No one would see us this late. Only for an hour.” He looked at Remus hopefully but his expression turned to anger when it was obvious Remus wouldn’t budge. “Fine. Your right. Of course.” his tone was spiteful. “Well good night then Remus.” He said turning abruptly and walking off to his own room. Remus watched him shut himself in his room, feeling very frustrated himself. This was not the night he had been fantasizing about during dinner. 

Remus disappointedly returned to his own room deciding to catch up on some reading he had been neglecting the past few weeks. Trying very hard not to dwell on what had just happened. He had just set the book aside after reading the same page for fourth time when there was a knock on his door. 

He opened it, not sure what he was going to say to Sirius. He understood his frustration but he also didn’t appreciate having that frustration taken out on him.

Sirius stood in the doorway giving him a scaything look, then he pushed into the room kicking the door closed behind him. He grabbed Remus and kissed him savagely. Remus was taken aback. He had expected a fight or maybe even more pleading. He had doubted Sirius would apologize without conjoling. He hadn’t envisioned the desperate, impassioned snogging that Sirius was currently engaging him in. 

Between hard kisses, Sirius scrabbled at Remus’ clothes, pulling them off and flinging them around the room. 

“What are -” Remus had managed to get out before Sirius cut him off.

“Stop talking,” Sirius snarled, starting on his own clothes. 

Remus moved to help him get his pants off. “ I just-”

“I said no talking Moony,” Sirius asserted as he pushed Remus against the wall kissing him again, roughly. 

Remus whimpered softly and relenting, leaned into the kiss wrapping his arms around Sirius’ waist.


	9. Chapter 9

“I swear if you touch me with that George you are going to regret it the second we are on the Hogwarts Express!” Ginny yelled across the room. George was holding a slimy grey length of cloth that may have once been a scarf. A glob of an unrecognizable substance dripped from it falling onto the floor.

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” George replied. “Actually I was thinking Ron might like it to go with his old dress robes. Might smarten them up a bit.” 

Fred snorted. 

Remus looked up from the box he was rifling through for a closer look at the thing George was holding. “Best put that in the garbage bag George.”

“Why is it dangerous?” Fred asked excitedly. George quickly shoved it into the half full garbage bag. 

“No idea. But it certainly looks like it could be,” Remus prodded the glob of grey on the floor with his wand. “I don’t know what this is. Did you touch it?” he asked George. 

“Not directly,” George answered. He was trying his best not to look nervous but his face was pale.

Remus smiled reassuringly at him. “Well all’s well. But I don’t think your mother would appreciate it if I let you fling it at Ron,” Remus pointed out. 

He had volunteered to supervise the cleaning effort for the day so Molly could go out shopping. He was assisting the twins and Ginny in a large room upstairs that seemed to be used for storage. There wasn’t a recognizable pattern to the random assortment of things they had discovered and Remus knew enough about the house’s previous occupants to assume some of it at least was dangerous. 

George shrugged, looking more than a little relieved and went back to sorting through his pile of junk. Fred and Ginny resumed their tasks as well, leaving the room quiet besides the sounds of feet shuffling, people moving objects around and occasional whispered side conversations between the twins. 

Remus sat back down to continue examining the box he had been sorting through. It was full of letters but like most of the things in the room, there didn’t seem to be any kind of organization to the them. He could tell they were old even though half of them didn’t even have dates. Most of the signatures were names he didn’t know or that he suspected were nicknames. He thought that this was probably something Sirius should sort through. Perhaps he would have more of an idea of the importance of the letters since they seemed to be to and from members of his family. 

He will probably just toss the whole thing in the fire, Remus thought. Sirius was in a dark mood today, which was half the reason Remus had volunteered to supervise the children even though it was his day off. He didn’t relish the thought of bothering Sirius with the prospect of sorting through the box at the moment. 

He set the box aside and moved on to another pile of boxes stacked haphazardly on an end table. Sirius had been moody and distant the entire week. Since the night that he has asked Remus to leave the house with him. They had hardly talked since, even though Sirius still showed up at his door each night. Remus had tried a few times to bring up their argument that night or the subsequent passionate encounter but Sirius refused to talk about it. At best he pretended to not be upset at all, though Remus could tell when he was putting on a show. At worst he wouldn’t make a sound, instead he sat on Remus’ bed silently grimacing at Remus’ every attempt at conversation. 

The night after the full moon, Remus had been so tired and out of sorts himself he had wanted to yell at Sirius that he didn’t have to be there if he didn’t want to be. But he didn’t want to upset him even more. He hoped that if he just gave Sirius the space and time they would eventually come to some sort of resolution. Even as kids, Sirius had always been prone to week long sulks. 

In the meantime however, Sirius was less than pleasant company. And Remus was filling his free time to distract himself. He was actually finding sorting through the junk room to be somehow therapeutic. He hadn’t had much time to sit and reflect on the situation and since the nature of their relationship was still secretive he hadn’t been able to talk it through with anyone either. At least now he could think without worrying about any real danger, or needing to keep up a conversation. As the designated adult in the situation, the kids were content to leave him out of most of their conversations.

He would have found it a relief to talk to someone about his problems with Sirius but he didn’t want to tell anyone about their relationship without discussing it with Sirius first. Besides he wasn’t really sure who he would talk to about it anyways. Molly meant well but she was known to get overly involved in other people’s relationships. And she wasn’t exactly unbiased when it came to Sirius. She would admonish him for being so negative and probably encourage Remus to just ignore him until he was acting his age. 

He had thought about talking with Tonks about the whole thing. She was the closest thing he had to a friend besides Sirius and Molly, but she had been acting odd since their strange conversation in the park last week. At first she had seemed awkward and uncharacteristically shy. Then she had seemed annoyed and short tempered for a few days. Most recently she had been going out of her way to be nice to Remus almost as if she were apologizing for being short with him. He found her even more confusing that Sirius at the moment. At least he understood what was bothering Sirius. 

Remus was startled out of his thoughts by the sound of Fred and George laughing. “Oh that’s a great color on you Ron!” Fred barked. 

“It’s not funny!” Ron screamed. 

“I told you not to touch it without gloves,” Hermione stated matter of factly. 

Remus looked to the doorway where Ron and Hermione had appeared. He did a double take as he realized that Ron’s left arm was covered in fluorescent blue fuzz up to the elbow. “What happened?” he asked as he went to get a better look.

“I think he touched some kind of magical fungus,” Hermione replied.

“Please tell me you can fix this,” he asked Remus pleadingly.

“We should be able to sort it out,” he reassured Ron. To the rest of the room he said, “We better take a break.”

The others didn’t hesitate to disperse as Remus led Ron downstairs to the kitchen, Hermione in tow. It took all of the afternoon and a consultation with Hestia Jones, before Remus found a proper healing charm for whatever it was that Ron had touched. He had just managed to clear it up when Molly had returned from her shopping trip.

“How did the cleaning go?” she asked. 

Ron’s eyes were wide and Hermione was studying her shoes with a strained intensity. “Oh no trouble,” Remus answered smoothly. Ron shot him a thankful look. “We cleared out about half of the junk in the extra bedroom and Ron and Hermione managed to clear out the bathroom they were working on.” 

“Good. Good.” Molly answered distractedly as she started putting her shopping purchases away. “Well you all better just relax until dinner then.” 

Ron and Hermione excused themselves quickly and exited the kitchen before Molly could change her mind. Remus was following them out, wondering if he should seek out Sirius when he heard the front door open. He moved down the hall to see who it was. 

“Remus, mate. Wouldn’t happen to know where Dumbledore is would you?” Mundungus said as soon as Remus was in eye shot. He teetered on his toes nervously. 

“I’m not sure. Maybe Molly knows,” Remus replied Is everything okay?” He added when he noticed the disheveled state he was in. 

Remus thought he heard Mundungus whisper “Had to be Molly,” under his breath before he said audibly, “Oh just a bit of a situation. Wouldn’t want to bother Molly if I don’t need too.” After a short pause he added, “Really should tell Dumbledore though.”

“What’s going on?” Remus asked pointedly.

Mundungus looked down at his hands which were clenched tightly. “Well just a spot of trouble with the Potter boy,” he said in a rushed voice.

“Something is wrong with Harry?” Remus asked nervously.

“Nah. He is fine. Defended himself alright, but Figgy is right outta her mind about it. Demanded I tell Dumbledore.”

“What is it? What happened?” Remus demanded loudly.

“No need to raise your voice, mate,” Mundungus whispered quickly, looking nervously down the hall toward the kitchen. “Well he and his cousin had a bit of a run in with a dementor. At least that’s what Figgy said. I didn’t see any though. Probably just overreacting to--” 

“Dementors in Little Whinging?!” Remus exclaimed. He grabbed Mundungus by the front of his robes. “We’ve got to go find Dumbledore right away.” He started pulling Mundungus toward the kitchen.

“Oh well we don’t need to tell Molly though. She’ll be right pissed at me,” Mundungus said as he leaned back on his heels, refusing to budge.

“Why would she be mad at you?” Remus asked as he continued to pull on Mundungus’ robe sleeve. 

“Maybe I step out for just a bit while I was suppose to be on duty.”

“You what?” Remus hissed. Mundungus was hardly his favorite Order member but he never expected that he could be so irresponsible. “Forget Molly. It’s Sirius you should be worried about.”

“Well maybe we don’t have to tell them just yet. You could just figure out where Dumbledore is and --”

“Your lucky I don’t body bind you and toss you in the room with the pair of them!” Remus shouted yanking his arm roughly. “We don’t have time to worry about that now. We’ve got to get a hold of Dumbledore and tell him what happened. Harry could be in a lot of trouble if he used magic.”

“Alright. Alright I’m going,” Mundungus said, reluctantly moving toward the kitchen.

“Go tell Molly. She’ll help you find Dumbledore. I’ve got to go find Arthur and Sirius,” Remus said. He waited at the foot of the stairs until he saw Mundungus enter the kitchen before heading up the stairs to notify Arthur and Sirius.


	10. Chapter 10

Remus sat at the table rubbing his temples as the room buzzed with half a dozen side conversations. The full Order had been in attendance at this evening’s meeting to discuss the best way to retrieve Harry Potter. It had been a long and tense meeting filled with a long debate and ending with, what Remus felt was, a ridiculous number of volunteers set to pick Harry up in two days time and deliver him safely to Grimmauld Place. 

He felt the chair next to him scrape across the floor and stood up to intercept Sirius before he retreated upstairs to brood. Sirius didn’t stop to speak with Remus, instead he pressed through the crowded room to the hall. Remus followed catching up with him at the stairs. “Sirius,” he said putting a hand on Sirius’ shoulder. 

Sirius paused for a second but then silently shrugged off Remus’ hand. He rushed up the stairs leaving Remus alone at the foot of the stairs. 

Remus sighed heavily. He knew Sirius would be upset after what had just happened but he had hoped that he would at least be willing to talk about it. Sirius had already been frustrated that he wouldn’t be able to join the guard going to rescue Harry, but he had had an altercation with Molly during the meeting that had turned frustration into rancor. 

Once Mad Eye had explained the plan and had started asking for volunteers, Sirius had started to make a suggestion which was interrupted by Molly hastily reminding Sirius that he could not be on the guard. Remus had cringed the second she had opened her mouth, knowing whatever she was going to say was not going to go over well with Sirius. Sure enough Sirius had roared back at her that he was just going to suggest that Remus be on the guard, as he was one of the only Order members Harry actually knew but that he was quite thankful that Molly had kindly reminded him that he wasn’t able to go himself. His voice had been like acid and Molly had seemed to shrink in her seat. He hadn’t said a word since the exchange, but Remus had felt him shaking with suppressed rage in the seat next to him for the remainder of the meeting. 

Remus stood in the hall weighing his options. Would it be better to track him down and force him to talk about it or should he leave him to sulk? Remus felt it would probably be better to get him talking to diffuse some of his anger, but he was tired and not in the best of moods himself. He was annoyed with Molly who had jumped in to chastise Sirius prematurely and at Sirius as well for his inability to control his temper. It had been a long week navigating Sirius’ moodiness. 

Remus was saved from making a decision by a tug on the back of his shirt. He turned to find Tonks greeting him. “Remus! Do you, er do you want to get a drink with me? I wanted to talk to you about Harry. You know since I’m on the guard…” she trailed off looking hopeful. Remus noticed that her cheeks were a bit pink. 

“Sure,” he replied. Getting out of the house for a while would help him relax. He could deal with Sirius when he got back. Though he did feel a bit guilty going out when he knew Sirius could not. “Yeah, that sounds great actually.”

“Really?” Tonks replied excitedly. She seemed almost surprised. “Great! Well there is a Muggle pub just a couple streets over if you don’t mind.”

“Lead the way,” Remus replied. 

The pub was dark and dingy but comfortable and crowded without being cramped. Muggles filled up the bar at the back of the room. A pool table and dart board took up most of the left side of the space. The right side was filled with small tables and chairs, few of which were currently occupied. Tonks moved to an empty table on the far edge of the room where there wasn’t anyone close enough to overhear. 

“You okay Remus?” she asked as they sat down. “You look a bit tense.”

Remus smiled weakly. “I suppose I am a bit tense.”

“Yeah that meeting was, well it wasn’t pretty.” Tonks whistled to emphasize her point. “I thought Sirius was going to hex Molly right there in the middle of meeting.” 

“Molly could have picked a better time to start in on Sirius again,” Remus said with a hint of bitterness. 

“Yeah. I think we were all just worked up. I mean dementors attacking Harry? That’s the real stuff. Up until now it’s just been waiting for something to happen. Still she was a bit cold.” Remus didn’t reply.

“Well I’ll get us some drinks? What’s your poison?” Tonks asked lightly. 

Remus looked up at her. “Surprise me. I don’t know much about Muggle drinks.”

“Prepare to be surprised,” Tonks replied in a playfully devious tone. She headed over to the bar to order. 

Remus leaned back in his seat. He had a brief moment of guilt while he thought of Sirius. He imagined him back at the house searching room from room for him. But the moment passed when he reminded himself that it would probably be hours before Sirius would even think to look for him.

“You are looking quite glum my friend!” Tonks said as she placed a glass of vivid green liquid in front of him. It smelled vaguely of apples. “Drink up and tell Tonks what ails you.” She sat down, placing her own glass on the table. “Are you having girl troubles?” she asked in a curious voice. 

Remus lifted his glass and took a few gulps. “I’d rather not think about it right now,” he replied. 

Tonks scrunched up her face. She took a breath then replied, “Alright. Well let’s talk about Harry then.”

“What do you want to know?” Remus asked. He had to admit he was curious. Despite the large number of people volunteering to be on his guard, Tonks was the only one who seemed to be making an effort to prepare. 

“Well, I’m not sure if you’ve noticed but Mad Eye, as great as he is at keeping people alive, he’s not great with their emotional well being.” She smirked. “I usually handle that part of the work. It’s what makes us such a good team.”

Remus sat back contemplating Tonks for a moment. “I see. So you are concerned about Harry’s emotional well being?” 

“Yes. Well I imagine he’s probably not in the best state. Been cooped up all on his own all summer with no news. I’m sure he’s upset. But I don’t know him so I’m not sure if it will be an angry upset or an anxious upset.”

Remus gave Tonks an impressed sort of smile. “You’ve put a lot of thought into this. We had the whole Order there volunteering to rescue him and not one of them gave a moment to consider how he’s feeling.”

Tonks blushed, “Well I just want to make sure he’s comfortable. This is a lot for someone his age.” 

“Still that’s very thoughtful. Well Harry is good kid. He’s been through a lot for someone his age and he’s very capable. Mostly you want to avoid treating him like he is a little boy in need of protection. Even though that is the reason we are there.” 

Tonks nodded. “That makes sense. I’m sure he’s use to taking care of himself.” She took a sip of her drink. “I just want to be approachable. Make sure he feels like he can talk to someone.”

“I’m sure he’ll like you Tonks. You have a way of making people feel comfortable,” Remus replied. It was the truth. When he was around Tonks, he felt normal. She had a way of making him feel less self conscious about his affliction and she never displayed that weary air he observed in other Order members he worked with.

She laughed nervously, “Oh I’m sure it’s just because I’m such a klutz. Knock enough things over and nobody notices how awkward anyone else is.” 

“No it’s more than that,” Remus said, considering Tonks over the rim of his glass. Her face was nearly the color of her hair but she was looking at him earnestly. “You seem to bring out the best in people. You have a very kind heart Tonks.”

She was still looking at him. She seemed to be holding her breath. Remus peered back at her, transfixed. He wondered if anyone else had ever told her this before. Normally he wouldn’t have spoken so frankly to someone he hadn’t known for very long, but she truly did have a comforting quality. He was finding it very easy to talk with her. 

She put her hand on the table, almost as if she were reaching out to him but then pulled back, looking away. “Thank you,” she whispered and then she picked up her glass and quickly drank the remaining half. 

Remus shook himself out of his introspective mood. “I should probably head back,” he said, remembering Sirius sitting alone upstairs and fuming. 

“Yeah. I should probably go home too,” she said looking down at the table. 

“Well I’ll see you in a couple of days. Thanks for the drink,” Remus said cheerily. 

She met his eyes. She was smiling. Though it was not her usual cocky smile. This was more sincere, Remus thought. Open and warm. “Thanks for coming out with me, Remus.”

He felt himself smiling too. “Any time,” he replied.


	11. Chapter 11

When Remus returned to Grimmauld Place the house was dark and silent. He tiptoed up the stairs trying not to make a sound so that he wouldn’t disturb any of the many residents. He stopped at Sirius’ room first but finding it empty went to his own with a feeling of deep reservation. 

Sirius was laying on the bed with his face hidden behind a copy of the day’s Daily Prophet. Remus was aware he was holding his breath. Sirius sat up folding the paper and setting it on the nightstand. 

“And where have you been?” He asked though his tone was one of mockery rather than accusation. 

Remus let go his breath. “Tonks wanted to ask me some questions about Harry since she is going to be going with us to get him.” Remus was standing in the middle of the room, not quite sure what to do with himself. He had expected Sirius to be in a foul mood but he seemed to be in good spirits, playful even. Still Remus didn’t want to misinterpret anything. A wrong word and Sirius would revert back to a sulking silence. 

Sirius smiled brightly at Remus and got to his feet to greet him. “And how did that go?” he asked taking Remus’ hands in his own. 

“It went well,” Remus felt his body relax a little. Sirius tooks his hands in his own. “She’s very considerate. She wants to make sure that Harry feels comfortable and respected,” Remus replied. He interlaced his fingers with Sirius’ and squeezed them faintly. Sirius was still smiling.

“I missed you,” Sirius replied leaning in closer. 

Remus still felt a bit unnerved. He had thought to find Sirius still brooding over the meeting, and his current mellow mood was confusing. “I expected you to be upset still,” Remus said anxiously. 

Sirius pursed his lips for a moment then he smiled and nipped Remus under the chin. “Why should I be upset? Harry is finally coming home,” he pulled back and looked at Remus. His eyes were shining. “I was waiting here for you so we could celebrate.” He gently turned Remus around and nudged him to sit on the bed. 

Remus, unsure of what to expect next, sat down on the bed. He hoped he did not look nearly as confused and anxious as he felt. Regardless of how Remus looked or felt, Sirius seemed to be enjoying himself. 

Sirius crossed the room to the desk and picked up a large bottle and two glasses. “It’s Albanian Goblin’s wine,” Sirius explained. “Mundungus gave it to me as peace offering so I don’t jinx him into oblivion after he left Harry undefended. Suppose to be some of the best wine in all of Europe.” 

Remus was still struggling to adapt to Sirius’ good mood. He had prepared himself for a difficult night of trying to get a surly Sirius to break his silence, but Sirius seemed down right chatty compared to how he had been the rest of the week. Remus wasn’t sure how to respond so he remained silent, staring at Sirius from the bed his arms curled around his knees. 

“Look I know I can be difficult sometimes,” Sirius said moving toward the bed. 

Remus gave him a pointed look.

“Okay I’m a moody ass half the time,” Sirius replied setting the bottle and glasses down on the night stand and climbing onto the bed next to Remus. Remus smiled. “You could at least pretend to disagree,” Sirius teased. He made a show of narrowing his eyes at Remus. “Anyways, I thought we could have a nice night in celebration of Harry’s impending liberation from the Muggles.” He peeled Remus’ arms away from his knees and kissed each of his hands. “So have a drink with me,” He trailed kisses up Remus’ arm. “And lets just relax, maybe play a few rounds of chess?” 

Remus looked at Sirius for a long moment. Sirius looked back sheepishly. The knot that had been in Remus’ stomach dissolved. He smiled and pulled Sirius into a kiss. This was a glimpse of the Sirius he use to know, before grief and misery had robbed him of his carefree spirit and charm. The moments when he resurfaced were too few. 

“Or we could not play chess,” Sirius teased when they broke apart.

“Oh no Padfoot. I was promised some fancy wine and chess,” Remus retorted, pushing Sirius toward the night stand. “You’ve been quite a bit of work this week. It’s going to require some serious wooing if you want in my pants tonight.” 

Sirius chuckled at his response. He tapped the top of the bottle with his wand to open it and poured Remus a glass. 

Remus took the beverage and sipped it as he watched Sirius cross the room to the desk. He pulled out Remus’ battered old chess set and brought it to the bed to set it up. Remus watched him carefully place each piece on the board, no longer weary. It would be a good night he thought as he savored the wine.

Sometimes, during moments like this, when they were both happy and content, he started to wonder about the dramatic turn his life had taken in the past few months. Here he sat on his bed with Sirius Black’s undivided attention. The boy who he had loved for so long who had never once looked his way, at least not romantically or sexually. The man he had longed for in his bed until he had been betrayed by him. Then he had been the man he loathed (and loved for which he loathed himself). Later still the man he had tried (and failed) to forget. 

There were times he thought perhaps this was a very elaborate fantasy. That perhaps his life of lonely isolation and the horror of the betrayal of his best friend and secret love murdering the only friends he had ever known had resulted in his own madness. Perhaps the real Sirius Black was still rotting in Azkaban and Remus was living a depraved delusion in which Sirius was innocent and had fallen in love with him. 

He watched Sirius place the last piece on the board. “Go easy on me. I haven’t played in 15 years,” Sirius said jokingly. He looked across the board at Remus and startled, “Moony are you alright? You look like hell.” He took the half empty glass from Remus’ hand and placed it next to the bottle. He moved warily around the chess board and pulled Remus into his arms. “What’s wrong?” He asked, concerned. 

Remus grasped him tightly. The secure feeling of Sirius’ arms around him reassured him that this was real. He was so relieved that he felt tears prickle at the corners of his eyes. He didn’t want to ruin the night by confessing that he had just been questioning reality. Instead he whispered, “I’m just tired. It’s been a long few days.”

Sirius squeezed him gently. “Well we can just go to bed if you need to.” 

Remus did not answer right away, instead he held onto Sirius, willing the tears that were threatening to spill to evaporate. Sirius continued to hold him without comment. Remus took a steadying breath and replied into his chest, “And miss kicking your ass at chess?” He pulled back and smiled, “No way. I need to keep you humble.”

Sirius returned the smile and gently untangling himself from Remus, carefully slid back to the other side of the board. “I can think of better ways to keep me humble,” his voice had that arrogant edge that drove Remus a bit mad. He found it both obtusely annoying and incredibly seductive. “But if you think your going to beat me perhaps we should make some wagers.”

“I’d be happy to take your money, Padfoot,” Remus replied with a slight smirk.

“I wasn’t thinking of wagering money. I’ve got something much more fun in mind…”

Remus rolled his eyes playfully and made his first move.


	12. Chapter 12

“She just can’t keep her mouth shut! She doesn’t even know what she’s talking about!” Sirius had been pacing the room ranting about Molly for nearly twenty minutes. Remus was sitting on the edge of the bed with his face in his hands, thankful that he had thought to cast a silencing spell around his bedroom. Sirius wasn’t making any effort to keep his voice down. 

“She thinks I think Harry is James? What the hell does she know? He is my son for all intents and purposes. And she’s got room to talk. She thinks she’s got free reign to replace Lily. She’s not his mother...”

“Sirius,” Remus tried to break through his tirade but realized that Sirius had not heard him over the sound of his own voice. Remus sat up straight and spoke louder, “Sirius. I get it.”

Sirius stopped pacing and turned to look at Remus. He seemed almost surprised to hear Remus speak. Remus wondered if he had even remembered that he had been talking to someone. Thirteen years of solitude had that kind of impact. Sometimes Sirius forgot that he was not alone. 

“Yes. Well. She was just really out of line...” Sirius replied lamely.

“I agree. She’s been out of line. She’s been overly critical of you at times.” Sirius opened his mouth to continue his argument but Remus put up a hand to stop him. “But she’s got Harry’s best interest at heart.” Sirius looked ready to burst with a retort but Remus continued, “And I think she’s got a point.”

“How can you side with her?!” Sirius shouted.

“I’m not siding with her,” Remus stated firmly. “I just think she had a point about not telling Harry too much. He is still a kid despite everything he has been through.”

Sirius was gaping at Remus, clearly too angry to speak. His face was a deep red and he was visibly shaking. 

“We were four years older than Harry is now when we really joined the fight. Harry is already more mature than we were back then but he is still a child. He has proved he can handle this but he shouldn’t have too.” 

Remus looked down at the floor. He felt a deep sadness for the way Harry’s life had turned out. He wished that he had had it in his power to have protected him from the horrors he had already endured but there was no changing the past. It was just one more thing his lycanthropy had gotten in the way of. He had been too dangerous to take care of Harry himself when James and Lily and Sirius had all been unable too. But he had come to terms with that long ago. 

Now he had to make Sirius see that what Harry needed most was to be a normal kid, before the war took away even the possibility of it. Voldemort considered Harry his own personal enemy. Harry would never have a normal life. He had only a few years at Hogwarts left where Dumbledore could keep him safe before he would have to face the ultimate adversary. 

Sirius had sat down on the chair by the desk. His arms were crossed and he was staring definitely at the floor but Remus knew that his silence meant that at least some of what he had said had gotten through to Sirius. 

“Do you even know if he’s kissed a girl yet?” Remus asked Sirius. Sirius looked up at Remus with his eyes narrowed. “Or a boy,” Remus added simply. “My point is that’s the kind of thing he should be worrying about. He shouldn’t have to shoulder the whole world. He should be worrying about kissing and Quidditch and pimples and his OWLS. Not how to vanquish Voldemort.”

Sirius looked away, tapping his arms with his fingers. He sighed audibly. “As always, you are right,” he said begrudgingly. “But I’m not keeping him completely in the dark like Molly wants.” 

“Nor should you. Harry does have a right to know at least the basics of what is going on. That will hopefully help him feel a little more at ease to know that we are keeping tabs on the situation,” Remus replied.

Sirius was still pouting but the fire had left his eyes. “I’m not apologizing to Molly,” he stated firmly.

“I’m not asking you too,” Remus replied. He sighed and fell back onto the bed with his hands over his eyes. “I’m just trying to point out that this whole setup will be more comfortable for everyone if you could at least understand where she’s coming from. I know it’s not your fault that you weren’t around but well that’s how it happened and here we are.”

“She -” Sirius started in but Remus cut him off before he could get worked up again.

“She’s not his mother but she has taken care of him while we couldn’t,” he snuck a peek at Sirius to gage his level of anger. He was still sitting on the chair, glaring at Remus with his jaw set. 

“What do you want from me Remus?” he asked in a violent whisper. “What am I supposed to do here?”

Remus sat up and looked Sirius in the eyes. “What do I want? I just want the two of you to be in the same room without having to worry you are going to start yelling at the first poorly phrased comment.” 

Sirius rolled his eyes. “I’m not the only one who yells.”

“No but you often start it.”

“No I -” Sirius stopped himself as he realized he was in fact yelling again. Remus continued to stare into Sirius’ eyes trying his hardest to keep from smirking. Sirius’ nostrils flared. He swallowed then continued in a normal voice, “Alright I’ll try not to yell at her. Even when she deserves it. Happy?” He was watching Remus with his arms crossed and his lips pouted. 

Remus nodded and smiled at Sirius. Sirius kept his arms crossed, observing Remus aloofly. Remus could see an indent on his check that meant Sirius was surely chewing the inside of his mouth in an attempt to keep himself from saying something snarky. Remus watched him, thinking of an old game they use to play in school to settle their arguments. He picked up the pillow and threw it at Sirius’ face.

“That is it Moony!” Sirius shouted getting to his feet with the pillow in hand. “I can only suffer so many indignities in one night!” He vaulted across the room and smacked Remus in the face with the pillow. 

“That the best you can do Padfoot? Losing your edge?” Remus teased springing from the bed to tackle Sirius. 

Sirius was ready for him and caught him in his arms. “Just getting started!” he exclaimed wrestling Remus onto the bed. He pinned him to the bed smiling. “Just say mercy when you’ve had enough,” he added cheekily. 

Remus let out a sound that may have been a growl and pushed Sirius over, swiftly climbing on top of him to hold him down on the bed. “What was that then Padfoot?” he asked, gloating. The game was a lot more enticing now when he wasn’t afraid Sirius would reject him if he took it too far. Now that he didn’t have to hide his feelings. 

Sirius looked up at him with a wicked grin. Instead of answering he pushed himself up and licked Remus, leaving a heavy volume of saliva across his cheek. “Ugh were you holding in your spit?” Remus asked rubbing the trail of spit off his cheek. 

Sirius slipped his arms out of Remus’ distracted grasp and flipped him over to pin him to the bed again. “Yup,” he answered with a wink. “Ready to surrender?”

“Nope,” Remus replied with a look of determination. 

“I hoped you’d say that,” Sirius remarked as he moved one hand down to tickle Remus under his shirt, keeping him pinned with the other.

Remus began to shake and laugh uncontrollably. “That is not fair!” He gasped between fits of giggles. Sirius almost always won back in their school days by exploiting the fact that Remus was ticklish, but tonight Remus was determined to win. 

“All’s fair in love and war,” Sirius replied. He brought his other hand down to join in tickling Remus. “Surrender!” he demanded as Remus squirmed wildly. 

“Never,” Remus managed to cry through his laughter. He pushed himself up knocking Sirius backward. Remus lunged forward, throwing his arms around Sirius to cushion his inevitable collision with the wall. 

Sirius gasped as they slammed into the wall. Remus deftly moved in to kiss him before he had even managed to close his mouth, rudely shoving his tongue into Sirius’ unsuspecting mouth. It took Sirius only a moment to recover from his surprise, then he was kissing Remus back forcefully. They spent a long moment with their tongues wrestling for dominance before they were forced to break for air. 

“Now who’s playing dirty?” Sirius asked breathlessly. 

Remus’ eyes were shining mischievously. “Still got you pinned,” he panted. “Surrender?” 

“Not yet!” Sirius replied. He grabbed the back of Remus’ hair pulling it down to force Remus’ chin up. He leapt forward and sank his teeth into the crook of Remus’ neck. Remus inhaled sharply and scraped his fingernails down Sirius’ back hard enough to rip the back of his shirt. Sirius released his neck and groaned. 

Remus took advantage of Sirius’ loosening grip on his hair to jerk his head free. He picked Sirius up and transferred him from the wall back down on to the bed, distracting him with another kiss. He sat up to straddle Sirius, still holding his arms down at the wrist. “How about now?” he asked, his voice filled with a mixture of desire and mirth. 

Sirius let out a long shaky sigh. “I have a feeling I’ll be getting a consolation prize.”

Remus bent down to suck on one of Sirius’ nipples. “I can be a very gracious winner,” he teased. He bit his lip as he looked at Sirius, victorious.

Sirius moaned, “I surrender.”


	13. Chapter 13

Remus placed a feather bookmark into the dusty tome he had been attempting to read. He was in the library trying to do research into dark jinxes and hexes, hoping to gather more intel on what sort of spells the Order would be up against with the Death Eaters. The Black family library had a much more morbid variety of spell books than any library Remus had ever had access to. The book in question however had been very dry reading and his mind had been wandering for several minutes. 

Today was the day of Harry’s hearing and despite everyone’s best attempts at rallying Harry’s spirits at breakfast, Remus couldn’t help but worry about the outcome. Harry was in the right, of that Remus was certain, but he knew first hand how biased the law could be when the Ministry considered someone a threat. Fudge didn’t see Harry as threat necessarily but Remus would not be surprised to find Fudge targeting Harry to get at Dumbledore. 

His worry about the hearing was what had drove him to the library in the first place. Sirius had went to tend to Buckbeak per his usual mid morning routine and Remus had went to do some research, hoping it would take his mind off things. Dumbledore was going to be there to aid Harry. There wasn’t anything else to be done but to wait. 

Remus flipped the book shut and reached for another, thinking that perhaps something a little less archaic would be enough to distract him, when he heard the distant shrieks of the downstairs portrait. He smiled to himself imagining Tonks tripping up in the hallway on her way out the door. 

He opened the new book and began checking the back for an index of spells. After a moment he found himself lost in thought again, though this time he was musing about something far more pleasant, how good the past week had been. Sirius had been in a much better mood with Harry in the house and he and Molly seemed to have come to some sort of cease fire agreement. The tension in the house was at a minimal. Remus was appreciative of the break in navigating their uncomfortably tense conversations at every meal time. Additionally, evenings with Sirius were much more enjoyable when he didn’t spend half of them arguing with Sirus about provoking Molly. 

He had even managed to go out for drinks with Tonks a few more times over the past week. It was a small thing, but he was congratulating himself on making his first real new friend in nearly two decades. Despite being in the middle of a war, he had very little to complain about. He only hoped it would stay that way. 

Remus’ revery was interrupted when the door suddenly slammed open revealing a panicked Tonks. He jumped to his feet, jogging across the length of the room to meet her. “Is everything okay?” he asked anxiously. 

“Remus!” She exclaimed in relief. She met him halfway across the room and took his hand leading him towards the far corner of the room, “Come on we’ve got to hide!”

Remus felt his heart pounding and his hand went to his wand, “Tonks what is going on?”

She stopped and turned at the terrified edge in his voice, “Oh it’s nothing all that bad. Well except for me, if she catches me!”

They both turned to face the door as the piercing voice of Molly Weasley echoed throughout the house, “NYMPHADORA TONKS!”

“Oh she used my first name. She must really be pissed!” Tonks continued pulling Remus toward the corner again, “Come on Remus! We’ve really got to hide!” 

Remus reluctantly let Tonks pull him across the room. “What did you do?” he asked, wondering if he really wanted to know. 

“Perfect!” She stated as she pushed open the door to the broom closet. “I may have precured something for the Twins. Harmless Muggle stuff but you know how irrational Molly gets when it comes to their joke shop plans.” She gestured to the closet with her hand. Remus just stared at her in confusion. “Come on Remus! Get in there before she finds us!” Tonks began shoving him toward the closet desperately. He stepped in and she followed after, gently shutting the door. 

“Okay I can see why you need to hide,” Remus whispered. “But why do I need to hide?”

“You’re here for moral support. In case she finds me. I’m hoping our friendship means enough to you that you’ll step in on my behalf,” she explained. She took out her wand and muttered lumos. She looked up at Remus giving him her best charming grin. 

Remus raised his hands in the air. “I don’t know Tonks. I do consider you a dear friend but I’m not sure I’ll stand up to Molly especially when I know you are guilty,” he joked

She mocked looking affronted. “I thought Gryffindors were supposed to be brave and loyal,” she replied jabbing him with a finger. 

Molly’s voice was still echoing thunderously down the halls. “Shit I should have closed the library door too.” 

“So are you planning for us to just stay here until she forgets about this?” Remus asked skeptically.

“The twins are suppose to be providing some kind of distraction so I can slip out the front door but they said it would take them a bit to get it ready,” she replied. “Does it sound like she’s getting closer?” 

“Tonks this is silly. You are both adults. Molly’s not going to do anything to you.”

Tonks gave Remus a fake horrified look, “She’ll lecture me to death Remus!”

“NYMPHADORA I KNOW YOU ARE STILL HERE!”

“That was definitely closer,” Remus pointed out trying not to laugh. 

“Alright! Plan B!” Tonks whispered stepping closer to Remus. The closet was not very big and she was now quite close. Remus could smell the fruity scent of her shampoo. 

“What- what’s plan B?” he asked.

“We’re gonna snog,” she replied, taking another step forward.

“What?!” Remus asked. 

“It’ll be a great distraction. If she opens the closet and we are snogging she’ll be so embarrassed she’ll totally forget she was mad at me.”

Remus was about to tell her that this plan was ridiculous when Tonks closed the distance between them and put her mouth on his. He was so startled that he didn’t have time to think, to push her away. Then she was pressing into him, slowly she parted his lips with her tongue. 

Part of Remus was internally screaming at himself that he needed to stop this right now. This was stupid. Nothing good could come of this. 

But another part (a selfish, weaker part) was swiftly shifting from surprised to excited. He found himself kissing her back by reflex. He was suddenly aware that he had put his arms around her, that he was leaning into the kiss. She let out a little moan that echoed in his mouth and he squeezed her closer to himself. Her hands were wandering down his back. 

The door to the closet opened and Remus sprang back from Tonks with ferocious speed as he suddenly regained both his sense of self control and his conscience. Tonks looked quite disappointed for a split second before she snapped to attention and spun around to see who was at the door. 

“Am I interrupting anything?” Sirius was leaning against the closet door casually with one eyebrow raised. He looked from Tonks to Remus. Remus was staring at him wide eyed with horror. 

“Sirius?!” Tonks exclaimed as she regained her composure. “We were just hiding from Molly. Here get in here,” she explained pulling Sirius into the closet as well. 

Sirius squeezed between Remus and Tonks as she attempted to close the door as quietly as possible. Remus was uncomfortably aware of how tiny the closet was with the three of them squashed into it. He pressed himself as close to the back wall as he could in an attempt to put more space between the three of them. 

“If you are hiding from Molly, why were you snogging?” Sirius asked as if he were only mildly interested. Remus was having a very hard time forming words.

“As a distraction. Figured if Molly walked in on us snogging she’d be so embarrassed she’d forget that she was upset with me,” Tonks replied smoothly. She bent down to retrieve her lit wand. She must have dropped it when they were kissing Remus realized. His heart was beating so loudly he wondered if they could hear it. 

“That’s brilliant Tonks,” Sirius whispered with a quiet chuckle. “Molly’s such a prude that would probably work.” Sirius slid a hand along the inside of Remus thigh, grazing the arousal at his groin with the back of his hand. Remus bit his lip to keep from crying out. He wondered if Tonks had noticed but she seemed too occupied with trying to find a comfortable angle for her lit wand as not to jab anyone with it. “But I bet if she caught me and Remus snogging she’d be speechless,” Sirius added in a sultry voice. 

Tonks leaned forward, nearly dropping her wand again. Her mouth was hanging open and Remus couldn’t tell if it was from surprise, desire or both. Remus felt Sirius hand brushing up his leg again and wondered if this was some kind of weird punishment for be caught snogging Tonks. Was he angry? He had already felt Remus up, noticed he was aroused, it was going to be hard to deny that this was all some joke cooked up by Tonks. And if he was angry, why was he petting Remus’ leg and suggesting more snogging? Remus remained speechless, afraid that if he tried to speak he would lose all composure. 

“Er-- well, I mean… if you-- if you guys don’t mind taking one for the team?” Tonks replied after an awkward pause, her voice sounding strained. 

“I think we’re up for it. Right Remus?” Sirius asked taking Remus by the hips and pulling him closer. Remus could see what was most certainly lust in his eyes. Tonks was shifting awkwardly, trying to turn her back to them.

There was a sudden, deafening bang and what sounded like several smaller explosions. “That must be the Twins!” Tonks exclaimed sounding very relieved. Without another word she threw open the closet door and made to move out of it but stumbled and fell sprawling onto the floor. Sirius who hadn’t expected the sudden shift in space, also fell out of the closet, pulling Remus down on top of him. 

“Ouch,” Tonks moaned as she got to her feet, rubbing her hip. She looked down at Remus laying on top of Sirius and blushed furiously. “I- I gotta run.” She turned and dashed out of the library door. 

Remus looked down at Sirius, sure that his own face was just as red as Tonks had been. “Well, that was fun,” Sirius said with a satisfied smirk.


	14. Chapter 14

Remus found himself walking the path around the park that he and Tonks had staked out just a few weeks before. He had been walking for a few hours, ostensibly to clear his head but in truth he was just avoiding the inevitable conversation he was going to have to have with Sirius following the debacle with Tonks in the closet. He had been wandering aimlessly, struggling to understand his own feelings and to figure out what to say to Sirius. He was somewhat surprised to have found himself back at the park. 

He wondered briefly if ending up here meant anything, but then told himself that he must have just subconsciously drifted this way as it was one of his only points of reference for the neighborhood. 

He realized that it was starting to get dark and knew that he needed to get back to the house before Molly insisted on sending out a search party. His stomach was clenched as he adjusted his course toward Grimmauld Place. He had no idea what to expect. Sirius had seemed to find the whole thing incredibly funny earlier before Remus had hurriedly excused himself and fled the house. But Remus had discovered over the past month and half that Sirius’ mood was far from stable. And he had caught Remus snogging someone else in a closet like a randy teenager. He had every right to be upset. 

For his part Remus was feeling equal parts guilty and confused. He thought Tonks was joking around in her exaggerated way, having a laugh demanding they hide from Molly. He had not expect for her to suddenly kiss him with barely a word of warning. He had not hid in a closet with her in order to cheat on Sirius. But he hadn’t pushed her away either. In fact he had kissed her back. He couldn’t even blame it all on instinct or reflex. He had been startled at first. Initially he had found himself kissing her back out of surprise but then he had chose not to stop. He had intentionally pulled her closer. If the door hadn’t opened when it had, how far would he have let it go? And what did it mean that she had kissed him in the first place?

He felt a wave of guilt wash over him as he realized that he was feeling uncomfortably hot even though the sun was setting. What the hell was wrong with him? He was trying to think of how to apologize to Sirius and he was getting turned on thinking about cheating on him with a woman a decade younger than them both. 

Not that Sirius had made the situation any less confusing. Having caught them in the act, instead of yelling he had pushed his way into the closet to feel Remus up and tease him about snogging in front of Tonks. He shuddered as he remembered Sirius’ hand caressing his thigh. 

He clenched his fists hard enough to leave deep indents in his palms. Maybe he needed a cold shower before even attempting to speak with Sirius. 

He approached 12 Grimmauld Place hoping that no one would notice him entering the house. Everyone was bound to be celebrating the results of Harry’s hearing and Remus did not want to ruin the mood or distract Sirius from cheering on Harry. He wanted to sneak up to his room unnoticed, to curl up in a ball on his bed until Sirius came to find him later in the night.

The coast was clear in the entrance hall and he made it up the stairs and to his room, only to find Sirius already waiting for him. 

“Have a nice walk?” Sirius asked patting the bed indicating he wanted Remus to sit next to him. 

Remus silently climbed on the bed next to Sirius. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, barely audible. 

“I don’t expect you to spend every waking moment in this house just because I have too,” Sirius replied. He took Remus’ hand in his own, idly tracing a trail over the back of it. 

Remus opened his eyes and stared at Sirius in disbelief. “I mean about snogging Tonks.”

“Oh, that.” Sirius sighed. “Well don’t worry about it,” he replied looking away. 

“What?” Remus asked a little too loudly. Of all the possible outcomes he had agonized over the past several hours, this was not one of them. “You walked in on me cheating on you and you are saying ‘don’t worry about it’?” 

“It wasn’t cheating,” Sirius replied gripping Remus’ hand tightly. 

“What would you have called it then?” Remus demanded, he felt his anger rising but wasn’t sure why. Sirius should be the one upset not him.

“Remus, we aren’t dating so you can’t cheat on me,” Sirius answered. “I told you we are just friends with benefits. You can snog whoever you want. Though I would appreciate an invitation next time, if she’s willing,” he added with a laugh.

Remus jerked his hand away from Sirius’ grasp, “You are going to joke about this?”

Sirius’ face hardened, “I’m not joking Remus, well except for last part.”

Remus felt a white hot rage in his chest and infuriatingly tears were prickling his eyes. He jumped to his feet, no longer able to sit next to Sirius while he calmly joked about this grievance. 

“Look, Remus. Don’t get me wrong. I love you, you are my best friend and I certainly love fucking around with you, but I’m damaged goods. I’m not going to get in your way if you find someone else. Someone who actually has something to offer you.” Sirius spoke in a nonchalant tone, as if he were not bothered about the situation in the least. 

Remus couldn’t stand it. He stood with his back to Sirius, shaking with rage and despair. He didn’t know what would happen if he opened his mouth, if he’d start screaming or sobbing. How could he say something like this so casually? Did he really think so little of what they had? Or perhaps it was Remus who was in the wrong. Sirius was right of course, he had never offered a relationship. Perhaps Remus had just built things up in his head, so desperate to believe that Sirius could love him the way that he wanted him too. 

Sirius got to his feet and placed his hand on Remus’ shoulder, “If you like her, you have my blessing. Though it be great if she is cool with us still having sex,” he teased playfully. 

Remus broke. He couldn’t stand one more stupid sex joke from Sirius while he felt like his heart was shattering. He turned to face him with tears streaming down his cheeks and shoved Sirius violently away from him. Sirius who clearly hadn’t expected to be shoved fell back onto the bed. “What the fuck Remus?” he glared up from the bed. 

“No fuck you Sirius!” Remus bellowed before breaking into a sob. 

Sirius’ face changed from a look of annoyance to one of concern as Remus sank to the floor weeping. “Woah Moony,” he gasped. He crawled off the bed onto the floor to comfort Remus. “Woah, calm down mate. It’s not that big a deal.” 

Remus just continued to sob into his hands. Sirius grabbed him and pulled him into his arms, rocking him gently as he cried. “You are kind of scaring me,” he said. 

Remus managed to choke out some words as he clutched Sirius desperately. “You don’t get to play the broken card,” he suddenly jerked back from Sirius’ chest, glaring. “You aren’t the only one with baggage Sirius Black.” 

Sirius looked startled and uncomfortable and it gave Remus the strength to continue. “I spent half my life alone waiting for you,” he sobbed. “I will not let you just give me away. I’m not your toy Sirius.” Sirius’ eyes were wide with shock. Remus felt his head and eyes already beginning to ache from his fit of tears. “If you don’t want me then have the balls to say so. If you are too scared to commit then say so, don’t give me some bull shit line about holding me back.”

Sirius seemed to have been stunned into silence by Remus’ outburst. He was breathing heavily, staring at Remus with an unreadable expression. Suddenly he sprang forward, burying his face in Remus’ chest, his arms wrapped tightly behind Remus’ back. “Remus, I’m sorry,” he slurred his words into Remus’s torso. “I’m so sorry.” Remus felt his anger subside as he realized that now Sirius was the one crying. Remus patted him awkwardly on the back. “You’re always fucking right,” Sirius sobbed. 

Remus didn’t have time to form any coherent thought about the meaning of Sirius’ apology or subsequent comment before Sirius pulled back to look into his eyes. “I love you,” he whispered, tears still spilling from his eyes. “I love you,” he said again, louder. “I fucking love you,” he repeated and launched himself forward at Remus. He pushed Remus to the floor, kissing him desperately. 

“I don’t care if you snogged Tonks,” he stated between kisses. “I don’t care if you fucked her. I don’t care. I want you to stay with me. I want you to love me.” 

Remus put his arms around Sirius, pulling him as close as humanly possible, kissing him deeply. He could hardly believe what was happening. He could count the times he remembered seeing Sirius ever cry on one hand, and now he was not only sobbing but confessing his love, for Remus. This was something straight out of his school day fantasies. 

“I do love you,” Remus reassured him. “I have always loved you.” 

Sirius moaned and kissed Remus again. He broke away briefly to summon the bottle of lube from the bedside table. “I love you and I’m going to fuck you right here on the floor because I can’t waste time getting you to the bed,” he said as he kissed Remus at random, anywhere he could reach, tugging forcefully at his clothing. 

Remus was laughing and crying all at once, unable to contain the wave of emotion he was experiencing. He couldn’t think of a more appropriately Sirius thing for him to have said.


	15. Chapter 15

Remus laid awake, staring at the ceiling. Sirius’ arm was securely placed across his chest and Remus didn’t have the heart to wake him when he looked so peaceful. He smiled as he recalled the exploits of the night before. Sirius had been nearly insatiable after his emotional break through. He had kept Remus up late into the early morning. 

Remus sighed contently. He felt that they had come to some kind of turning point in their relationship last night. Sirius had finally confessed not only that he was in love with Remus but that he wanted to stay with Remus. Two things he had been avoiding saying for the entirety of their relationship. Remus hadn’t exactly gotten a firm commitment from him but Sirius admitting his true feelings was an undeniable step forward. 

If last night was the result, he should have kissed Tonks sooner he mused to himself. Then he had the sudden realization that he would need to face her again today. He felt himself blush in embarrassment. Not for the first time in the past few months, he lamented his utter lack of romantic experience. Just as he had never truly had a relationship before now, he had never had to turn anyone down before either. He could not think of any possible way in which the conversation would be anything other than an awkward, anxious mess. But then again he had expected Sirius to be royally pissed off about the whole thing and that conversation had turned out better that Remus could have ever possibly imagined. 

The trouble with Tonks was, he had no idea what to say to her. He couldn’t explain why he had kissed her back when he should have pushed her away. He was beginning to realize with mounting frustration that he was irrefutably attracted to her. Whenever he thought back to the moment in the closet he felt that bewildering mixture of shame and arousal. And he still could not fathom why she had kissed him in the first place. Perhaps snoging was not a big deal to her. She was an attractive woman, surly she had kissed many men in her life. It was probably not a rare, special thing to her as it was to him. Snogging a friend as a means of distraction may have seemed like a perfectly normal thing for someone to do when they have never had to worry about people recoiling at their touch. He sighed in irritation. 

Sirius twitched and opened his eyes. “Good morning,” he mumbled sleepily. 

Remus smiled at him and leaned down to kiss his forehead. “Morning.”

Sirius sat up and stretched, “I’m surprised you are still in bed. You are usually gone by the time I’m up.”

“I’ve got a late duty tonight and I didn’t want to wake you,” Remus replied moving to plant a kiss on his lips. 

Sirius kissed him back, slow and gentle. It was not like any kiss they had ever shared before. It felt tender, vulnerable even. A stark contrast to the passionate fury of Sirius’ usual kisses. 

Often when they kissed, Remus felt like Sirius was trying to consume him. Before Remus thought perhaps that was just the kind of lover Sirius was, firey and wild like his temper, untamable. But after Sirius’ emotional display the night before Remus realized that perhaps this view of Sirius was incomplete, a projection of Remus’ imagination, desires and the memories of the younger Sirius Black. Now he wondered if Sirius’ rushed fervor was not an unleashing of lust, but an outpouring of fear. Had he been afraid that each kiss would be the last? Terrified that Remus would vanish and he would be alone again, locked away in this house? Remus wanted to ask him but Sirius wore his sardonic, flippant attitude as an armor and he knew he would not get more than a glimpse beneath it. Sirius had shown a vulnerability last night that Remus had not thought him capable of. He did not want to push him further, not when he had finally revealed such deep feelings. 

Sirius broke the kiss and pulled Remus into a tight embrace. “Thank you,” he whispered in Remus’ ear so faintly that Remus wasn’t sure he had truly heard it. 

They pulled apart and Sirius slipped off the bed and began retrieving his clothing from the floor to dress. “I suppose I should probably just leave some of my clothes in here,” he muttered nonchalantly. “I don’t think I’m fooling anyone walking back to my room every morning in the same clothes from last night.”

Remus smiled. Sirius was trying to play it off as a simple suggestion, but he understood the underlying meaning. He wanted to share the space with Remus. “Yeah if you want. I only use half the dresser anyways,” Remus replied. 

“Alright then,” Sirius replied after pulling on his shirt. “Well shall we get some breakfast?”

Remus sighed and rested his hand on his temple. Sirius paused in the process of putting on his socks to stare at Remus. “Not hungry?” he asked. 

Remus buried his face in his hands and peered at Sirius through his fingers. “I have no idea what to say to Tonks,” he admitted. 

Sirius gave him a sympathetic look and rejoined Remus on the bed, still holding his socks. “I almost forgot about that,” he said idly. 

Remus slumped against the headboard. “It’s so awkward.”

Sirius looked him over with a playful smile, “Well I only saw the last part. Why don’t you tell me the rest of what happened?”

Remus looked over at him, mortified, “Sirius are you sure you want to hear about this? You don’t have to talk me through this one.”

“Of course I do. Your shit at talking to girls,” Sirius replied with laughter in his eyes. Remus gave him a grim look. “I can be objective,” Sirius added with a wink.

Remus moaned in embarrassment. “You are enjoying this.”

“Who snogged who?” he asked, seemingly unable to wait any longer for details. 

Remus squinted at Sirius, “You really think I’m trying to seduce young women in the broom closet?”

“You’re right. That sounds more like something I would do,” Sirius replied thoughtfully. 

“She kissed me. Out of the blue. Had no idea it was coming.”

“She invited you into a closet. What were you expecting to happen?”

Remus’ face reddened, “I just thought she was having lark. You know how she has that exaggerated, over the top way about her. She said we needed to hide from Molly and we were joking around and she said something about plan B is snogging and then she just kissed me.”

“And you kissed her back,” Sirius stated matter of factly. Remus didn’t notice any hint of jealousy in his voice. In fact he was leaning forward as if he were highly engrossed in the conversation. 

“Er. Yeah,” Remus replied lamely. “But I didn’t really mean too. I wasn’t expecting it and I just sort of responded. I know I should have pushed her away but-,” he struggled to finish his sentence, watching Sirius carefully, “but I didn’t. I- I kissed her back and I pulled her closer.” He felt the heat rising in his face. 

“And then I opened the door,” Sirius finished. Remus nodded unsure of what else to say. “Did you like it?” Sirius asked. 

Remus hid his face in his hands again. “She’s very attractive,” he mumbled. 

“Yes she is,” Sirius agreed. “And you want to fuck her?”

Remus jumped involuntarily, “Sirius are you getting off on this? She’s your little cousin and I’m your…”

Sirius laughed at Remus’ uncomfortability. “Boyfriend?” he offered. 

Remus was sure his heart must have missed a beat. “My..”

“Boyfriend,” he said again. 

“Boyfriend, “ Remus repeated breathlessly. Sirius smiled and ran his hand through Remus’ hair. 

“Yes my naughty boyfriend who was snogging my unquestionably attractive cousin in a closet.”

Remus gave him a significant look. 

“We didn’t grow up together and she’s my second cousin. That’s practically a stranger as far as my family goes,” Sirius explained jokingly. “Anyways we were discussing how you were enjoying violating my cousin in a broom cupboard.” 

Remus cringed. “Sirius!” 

He shoved Remus playfully. “I don’t blame you for kissing her back.” Remus looked at him miserably. “It’s kind of hot actually.”

“Why am I even talking to you about this?” Remus whined. 

“I’m helping!” Sirius replied, “So she kissed you, you kissed her back and now you feel terribly awkward?” Remus nodded solemnly. “Well what do you want to tell her?”

“I don’t know. It would be weird if I apologized since she’s the one who kissed me. I mean what did she even mean by that? Does she casually snog all her male friends? She can’t possibly be interested in me.” Remus realized he was blathering. 

“Why not? She certainly planned out the whole thing. Snogging in a closet as a ‘distraction’?”

“You said it was a brilliant idea!” Remus pointed out.

“Sure, but my object is pretty much always to get your clothes off so…”

“No way. She’s too smart to want to be involved with me,” Remus replied in disbelief.

“Don’t sell yourself short Moony,” Sirius said wagging his finger at Remus. “You’ve got plenty of good qualities: your smart, funny and very attractive.” He kissed Remus’ hand. “You’ve got a bit of a sensitive bad boy thing going on. Probably drives women mad.” 

“Sirius,” Remus’ voice was somber. “I’m a werewolf.”

Sirius gave him an unimpressed look. “Everyone has flaws,” he said with a shrug.

“I’ve got to let her down gently,” Remus said softly. 

“Remus you can’t let your lycanthropy stop you from living your life,” Sirius said quietly. 

Remus furrowed his brow. “Isn’t it in your best interest for me to reject her?”

Sirius brought Remus’ hand to his mouth and kissed it lightly, “I just want you to be happy Remus. I don’t want you to miss out on things because you are too worried about your furry little problem.”

Remus turned away. “I’m dangerous.”

Sirius gently grabbed his face and turned it so that they were seeing eye to eye, “You take every precaution. You aren’t a monster.” 

Remus closed his eyes and took a deep breath, willing himself to believe Sirius’ words. He looked at Sirius with a subdued smile. “I would turn her down anyways, since I have a boyfriend.”

Sirius grinned and took Remus’ hands in his own. He leaned in close and licked Remus’ face. Remus cried out in protest and wiped his cheek as Sirius snickered, “well now that that is settled, let’s get some breakfast. I’m starving.”


	16. Chapter 16

Remus didn’t encounter Tonks again until dinner. He had been relieved to find her absent at breakfast and spent a lazy afternoon lounging around with Sirius. Their relationship seemed to have settled into a deeper level of intimacy after the events of the night before. In general Sirius had rarely spent much time with Remus during the day, especially when the house was full. But to Remus delight they whittled away the day in the library together, sharing the sofa as Remus continued his research on dark spells and counter charms and Sirius skimmed through the margins of an old school book that he and James had used to use to write notes back and forth during Transfiguration. 

Occasionally Sirius would interrupt Remus’ research to share a particularly funny or interesting note with him. And every so often he would reach over and stroke Remus’ leg or squeeze his hand. These gestures were casual and open in a way that they had not been before. Sirius no longer seemed to care if anyone else saw these signs of affection. Several hours passed in this tranquil manner, until Sirius, apparently bored, wadded up a piece of parchment and tossed it at Remus’ head. 

“It’s about dinner time,” he offered as response when Remus looked over at him annoyed. Remus marked his page and set his book aside as Sirius stood. Sirius held out a hand to help him up. Remus took it and Sirius pulled him to his feet but didn’t let go of his hand. 

“Dinner?” Remus asked. 

Sirius pulled him close and kissed him, another soft, affectionate kiss. Uncharacteristically chaste for Sirius. When he released him they headed for the hall. As if to make up for the modest kiss, Sirius smacked Remus on the bum as they exited the hallway. Remus rolled his eyes and tried very hard not to smile. 

When they reached the kitchen, Remus scanned the room for Tonks and sure enough she was already seated at the table chatting animatedly with Bill. She looked up when Remus and Sirius entered, giving Remus a smile and a little wave. 

Remus picked at his food over the course of the meal, feeling rather too nervous to eat. He managed to make passable small talk, even with Tonks and tried to avoid looking at Sirius who seemed to find the entire situation hilarious. 

As the room was clearing out, he felt the familiar tap on his shoulder and turned to find her staring at him. She was already pink in the face. She seemed to be avoiding direct eye contact. “Remus, could we talk?” she asked in an uncharacteristically quiet voice.

He nodded, smiling weakly to try to put her at ease. He knew this was going to be painfully awkward but better to get it over and done with. He hoped when it was over things would be back to normal, if that was possible. 

“Let’s just go to the drawing room then?” He followed after her silently. She closed the door once they were inside.

There was an awkward silence while Remus wondered if he should say something or wait for her to speak.

“Er. About yesterday,” she started. She had her hands twisted behind her back, nervously stretching them behind her. Remus wished she would stop as the motion pushed her chest forward in a way that he was finding very distracting. “I, er, wanted to apologize. I was out of line, putting you on the spot like that.”

Remus blushed at the mention of it. “It’s okay. Really. Let’s just forget about it.”

Tonks’ mouth was a grim line, “Sure if that’s what you want.” She paused and then seeming to have braced herself, continued, “I just thought… well you were kissing me back before Sirius opened the door..”

“J-just instinct. I forgot myself. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have taken advantage of the situation,” he replied looking determinately over her shoulder. He was sure if his face got any hotter it would most certainly burst into flames. 

“You weren’t taking advantage,” she blurted out. “I mean, I thought well… I thought if I took the initiative...”

Remus felt a little jolt. Sirius was right then, she was interested in him. “I’m sorry Tonks. I don’t want to lead you on -”

“I know you are already with someone,” she interrupted, her voice tinged with disappointment. “I’m sorry I shouldn’t have been so forward. I just thought that maybe it wasn’t a serious thing since you never tell me about them.” Remus noticed the change in pronoun. Every other time she had brought up the topic she had used she. “But I think I understand now.” She looked directly at him. “You are with Sirius right?”

Remus was taken aback by the bluntness of her question. “Yes,” he replied. He could think of no reason to hide it anymore. 

She smiled sadly, “I’m really sorry Remus. I must have misread things. I had no idea you were gay. I never would have pushed myself on you if I’d known.”

“I’m not gay,” he replied without thinking. 

“Oh.” she took a step back, confusion clear on he face. “I’m sorry. I just assumed… I’m making an ass of myself,” she finished looking down at her feet. 

Remus shook his head. “No sorry. I mean I am with Sirius but I’m not gay. I like men and women.” He had no idea why he was telling her this right now. He was making this more complicated than it needed to be. It would have been easier to just let her think he was only attracted to men. But that didn’t feel right. Despite this extremely awkward conversation, Tonks was still his friend. He wanted her to know the true him.

“Oh,” she replied, this time sounding a bit relieved. She stared at him awkwardly, biting her bottom lip, her face still beat red. Remus couldn’t seem to tear his eyes away from the gesture. She took a steadying breath. “Look Remus, I don’t want things to be awkward.” she shifted uncomfortably. “I have a lot of fun with you. I really like hanging out with you. I- I was hoping, well I wanted you to kiss me back.” She looked up at him bashfully. “But I respect your feelings for Sirius.” She offered her hand to him, “ I’m sorry for putting you in such an awkward position and I hope we can continue to be friends.”

Remus shook her outstretched hand gratefully. “No harm done,Tonks. I truly value your friendship so let’s just put this whole thing behind us.”

She took another deep breath. “Right. Not another word.” She mimed zipping her lips shut and smiled. 

Remus returned her smile, warmly.

“Well I should probably go before I embarrass myself anymore. See you around Remus!” Without another word she turned and left. 

Remus stood alone in drawing room thinking that the conversation could definitely have gone worse and wondering why then he felt a creeping sense of disappointment.


	17. Chapter 17

Dawn was breaking by the time Remus finally made it back to his bedroom, tired and irritated from a long, tedious shift of guard duty. Sirius was already asleep, curled in a ball like a dog under the covers. Remus smiled, hoping he had managed to sleep well by himself. Sirius hardly slept at all when left alone. He wouldn’t go into details but had once told Remus he had terrible nightmares, left overs from Azkaban he’d said and left it at that. 

Remus disrobed and slid into the bed next to him, careful not to jostle him. He relished the feel of the warm sheets beneath him and the chance to finally close his eyes, but sleep was elusive. He felt his jaw clenching in irritation. He couldn’t seem to shake the memory of the conversation with Tonks from his mind, despite already replaying it over and over during the long lonely hours of his shift outside the Department of Mysteries. There was little else to do while he watched the lifeless corridor for six hours.

He had over analyzed every word and even imagined several alternative scenarios, most of which had ended much worse off than reality. He had imagined Tonks bawling her eyes out confessing her deepest and sincere love for him, or worse an angry Tonks demanding to know how a pervert such as himself, who would take such advantage of a young woman, could be allowed in the Order. He imagined her laughing at him, confused as to why he would think someone like her could ever be interested in him. Then he had imagined her whispering in a confident, seductive tone that she had invited him to come talk with the intention of picking up where they left off. 

He felt the heat rise in his cheeks again as he tried to banish that last fantasy from his mind. What was wrong with him? Why couldn’t he let this go? They had already talked this over, decided to just move on, forget the incident ever happened. Was he really so desperate for acceptance that he would selfishly revel in Tonk’s silly crush on him while lying in the same bed as Sirius? He thought he couldn’t possibly be more pathetic. He was actually enjoying that Tonks had feelings for him, even when he had no intention of returning them. After a life of rejection, the thought of someone as brilliant and beautiful as her being interested in him was to sweet to let go. He was disgusting. He didn’t deserve her admiration, nor Sirius’ love. 

As if he could sense Remus’ distress, Sirius began to stir. Remus could feel him uncoiling his limbs, his bare skin pressing against Remus’ own. Sirius rolled over, sliding his arm over Remus chest and nuzzling his neck. “Welcome home,” he whispered, his voice still hoarse with sleep. 

Remus recoiled at his touch, rolling onto his side to turn his back to Sirius. He felt ashamed, unworthy of Sirius’ embrace. Sirius hugged him tightly, pulling Remus’ back to rest against his own chest. He kissed the back of his neck. “Tired?” he asked. 

Remus laid motionless, not resisting Sirius’ touch but also not engaging it. “Just a lot on my mind,” he whispered back. 

“How’d it go with Tonks?” he asked, not unkindly. Remus’ body went taunt in response to the question. Sirius squeezed him gently. “That bad huh?”

“No it went well actually,” he replied hugging Sirius’ arm tight to his bare chest. “Better than expected. It was awkward but she’s okay. We’re just going to forget it and go on like nothing happened.”

“What’s wrong then?” Sirius asked. 

Remus knew there wasn’t any point in trying to deny he was upset. Sirius knew him too well. “You were right. She does like me. Romantically, I mean.”

“But you talked it out?” he asked, stifling a yawn. 

Remus sighed. “I told her we were together. She understood. Says she respects my feelings for you and that we should just be friends. Things don’t need to be awkward.”

Sirius let out a soft laugh. “I’m not seeing a problem here. Sounds like it went really well actually.”

“It did,” Remus replied. “I just can’t stop thinking about it.” 

Sirius began to nuzzle the back of his neck again. “Sounds like you need a distraction,” he teased. He lowered his hand from Remus’ chest to his hip, tracing the outline of his hip bone with his finger. 

Remus shuttered then scooted away and turned to face Sirius. In the dim light he could see the look of disappointment on Sirius face. “No. I’m disgusted with myself,” Remus whispered, unable to look Sirius in the eyes. 

“Why? Did you end up snogging her again?” Sirius asked with a hint of annoyance. “I know you don’t have much experience with romance, but even you should have figured out that was a terrible idea.”

“No! I wouldn’t…” But could he honestly say that? If Tonks had kissed him again, would he have had the decency to push her away? Or would he eagerly participated? Selfishly basked in the attention? Sirius was looking at him in confusion. “I didn’t kiss her. But I think I would have, if she tried again.” He looked at Sirius and could feel his lip trembling. “Sirius, I’m pathetic. I want her to like me. Even though I can’t return her feelings. I’m excited that someone like her could feel that way about me.” 

To his astonishment, Sirius began to laugh. He wrapped his arms around Remus again. “Moony. You are too cute.” Remus attempted to wriggle himself free from Sirius’ embrace but Sirius held him firmly and continued, “It’s normal to feel flattered that someone finds you attractive even if the feeling isn’t mutual.” Sirius placed a kiss on his forehead. “You just haven’t had the experience of someone confessing they are interested in you before, well present company excluded, but that was mutual. You aren’t pathetic at all. It’s actually adorable you are worrying about it.” He rubbed his nose playfully across Remus’. “Do you ever just let yourself enjoy things?”

Remus felt his face reddening again for what must have been the hundredth time that day. “I’m so embarrassed right now,” he moaned, hiding his face in Sirius’ chest. He could feel Sirius chuckling again. 

He felt Sirius’ fingers under his chin, pushing his face up and then Sirius’s mouth was on his. Remus kissed him back eagerly, glad for something else to focus on. Remus grabbed his arms, pulling them down to his hips once more and pulled him closer, pressing into him with purpose. 

Sirius broke apart, panting. “Can we-- can we go slower?” he asked hesitantly. Remus loosened his grip, surprised by the request. Sirius usually was the one pushing their encounters forward at a fast pace, as if he couldn’t bare to waste a single second getting at Remus. Pawing at him, clinging to him, consuming him with reckless abandon. Using me, Remus sometimes thought during his low points, though Sirius had never left him unsatisfied. 

“Of course,” Remus replied quietly. Sirius smiled and kissed him once more, slowly, simply holding his lips against Remus’ for a moment, then delicately parting his lips with the tip of his tongue. He held Remus securely but loosely as he leisurely explored the inside of his mouth. Remus let him take the lead in setting the pace, enjoying Sirius’ slow and methodical exploration of his body. He gasped and sighed in appreciation as Sirius touched him with a tenderness he had never before experienced. 

“Do you like this?” Sirius whispered in his ear. Remus murmured his approval. As pleasant as the encounter was proving to be, he was finding it hard to keep his eyes open. He had been awake since yesterday morning and Sirius’ modest touches were more soothing than sexual. “I’m sorry I haven’t touched you like this before.” He heard Sirius admit with a sigh, but before he could respond he had drifted off into a deep sleep.


	18. Chapter 18

The mood of the house had calmed down considerably in the days after Harry’s hearing. The combination of no longer needing to worry about Harry being unable to continue at Hogwarts and the lack of activity from the Death Eater led to a sense of calm that had been absent since before the conclusion of the Triwizard Tournament. The dementor attack was a fading memory and most of the household and the Order at large were settling into amiable routine, all except for Sirius who had another bout of his dark mood as the end of summer approached. 

Remus did his best to try to keep Sirius’ spirits up but he knew that the start of Hogwarts’ autumn term loomed heavy on his mind. Sirius was dreading the thought of all the time he’d be spending alone and all the dark empty rooms that would be left behind when the kids returned to school. Remus reminded him that he would still be around and that Order members would be dropping in and out all the time. Sirius had merely pointed out that Remus would still be out on work for the Order nearly every day and that there would be little need to use Grimmauld Place as the center of communications once summer was over as everyone knew Dumbledore would be back at Hogwarts and much easier to track down. 

“It’ll be just me and Kreacher. How cozy,” he had complained to Remus one evening, with a venomous sarcasm.

For his own part Remus was just glad that Sirius was at least willing to speak to him about what he was feeling which was an improvement from just a few weeks earlier when he had mostly sat about in a moody silence refusing to speak. Besides, Remus couldn’t really blame Sirius for dreading the end of summer. He had gotten quite use to the house being full and was not looking forward to the start of term anymore than Sirius. 

Molly still had the kids working on tidying up the house, making a valiant last push to get it all done before the start of the school year. Remus helped out when he had the time, preferring to spend as much time with everyone before the Hogwarts’ year began and Molly and Arthur returned to the Burrow. He had unsuccessfully tried to get Sirius to join in too, but it seemed that after so many years in isolation during his imprisonment, Sirius tended to get easily overwhelmed by social interaction, especially when he was already upset. So most days Sirius was hard to find, though he still made an effort to show up for meals. Remus could tell he was trying his best to be supportive to Harry even when he dreaded his departure most of all. 

Meal times with the Weasley’s would be what Remus would miss most once summer was done. The house was never more loud or cheerful as during dinner. Many of the Order members conveniently timed their reports for just before dinner, knowing full well that Molly would invite them to the table. And both Tonks and Fleur (much to Molly’s dismay) had become regular dinner guests. Molly’s excellent dinner spread was always accompanied by good conversation and the twins were usually good for some kind of entertainment, whether it be their witty banter or the occasional practical joke involving the testing of their newest joke shop materials. As a former Marauder Remus had to admit that he was quite impressed with their work, though he would never say so out loud in earshot of Molly. Remus realized that the kind of fellowship he found around the table with the Weasleys and the various Order members inspired a kind of joy he had rarely enjoyed in his lonely life. 

Remus was also happy to find that his friendship with Tonks had not changed much at all after the terribly awkward incident in the library closet. They even continued their habit of stopping at the Muggle bar a few times a week when the full house and the stress of Order business got to be a little too much. 

The first time they had went out afterwards had been shaky at the start. Tonks had seemed to be holding back from her usual banter and Remus stumbled through awkward small talk, until she finally burst out with questions about Remus and Sirius’ relationship. Remus was hesitant at first to discuss Sirius with her but he hadn’t had anyone to discuss his relationship with and it seemed that they wouldn’t be able to move past it until he answered her questions. But after that first bumbling conversation they settled into their old routine of discussing Order gossip and bantering jokes back and forth. He was greatly relieved to find that they could still speak to one another openly and their friendship had not lost that easy comfortability that he had not found with anyone other than Sirius since his days in the original Order. 

All in all things were going as happily as anyone could hope for during a war. Remus was not naive enough to believe things would stay this way but he tried to enjoy it while it lasted. There would be plenty of hard days to come. 

And a hard day did come on the very last evening before the children were to leave for Hogwarts. The evening had started out pleasant enough. Molly had organized a going away party for the kids in celebration of Ron and Hermione who had both been made Prefects. But Remus’ happy illusion of peace was violently shattered late into the affair when Moody had come over to Remus and Sirius to let them know Molly was having trouble with the Bogart in the drawing room. 

They had rushed upstairs to find Molly sobbing desperately on the floor over the Bogart that had taken the shape of Harry’s dead body. The real Harry was standing in the doorway trying in vain to comfort her. Remus had banished the Bogart and let Molly sob into his shoulder while he tried to reassure her. His body felt heavy, his heart cold, like a bloom of ice was spreading through his chest. Just a few moments ago they had all been downstairs, happy, enjoying each other’s company, celebrating... He had forgotten how fast all that could change. He had let himself forget why they were really here. What war did to people. Molly clearly had not. 

He could not promise her that her family was safe but he did promise that they would look after her children if the worst should happen. He told her that they were better off this time around. That though it wasn’t safe, it was safer. He had caught Sirius eye for just a moment as he comforted Molly and saw him nod slightly in encouragement before he had moved to usher Harry out of the room.

By then Bill and Tonks had arrived to check in on the situation. Molly had finally managed to stop crying though she still looked visibly shaken. She let go of Remus’ hand, which she had been grasping so firmly it had started to tingle, and apologizing for having clinged so tightly to him. Bill took over then, leading his mother down stairs to get a cup of tea, assuring her that everyone else had left or went to bed so no one would be around to ask her why she’d been crying. 

It was then that Remus noticed that only Tonks still remained in the room standing to the side of the doorway, extraordinarily pale. Remus stared at her vacantly, not sure what to say or do after being witness to such grief. He was trying very hard not to remember that night so long ago when he had heard the news of James, Lily and Peter’s deaths at the hands of Sirius. When he thought of that dark period in his life he started to feel like he was losing grip on reality. It was hard to reconcile the feelings and memories of that night and so many nights after it with his current life, where Sirius Black was not only innocent but slept in the bed next to him each night. 

Finally Tonks spoke, breaking through the confusing haze of his misery, “I had no idea.” Her voice was unsteady. “I had no idea Molly was feeling this way.”

Remus gave her a sad look, “She hides it well.” We all do, he thought. Well enough to almost forget.

“But of course she must be worried. You all must be so worried.” The look on her face was heartbreaking. “You’ve all lost people before. I’ve been such an idiot. Joking around all the time. Bringing the twins stuff for their joke shop. I’ve just been adding to her stress.”

She took a few steps closer to Remus. “I thought, I was doing so well. Was really proud to be asked to join the Order. I didn’t even stop to think. This is real. People are going to die. I- I don’t have anyone else to worry about like Molly does. Just myself. My parents aren’t involved. She’s got her whole family to consider and I have been acting like this is all a fun summer camp.” She looked up at Remus with tears in her eyes. He noticed her hair had lengthened to frame her face, dimmed back to a dull brown. “I just never realized how real it all is.”

He took a steadying breath, “You are too young to really remember the first war.” His voice was somber as he continued, “You couldn’t really know.” 

He stepped forward and put his hand on her shoulder, “But don’t worry about it. Don’t change the way you are. Don’t stop joking around, don’t stop showing how much you care.” She looked at him with her mouth slightly agape. He gently tucked a strand of stray hair behind her ear. “Really Tonks, it’s helpful to have someone like you on our side. You remind us what we use to be like. You remind us what we are fighting to protect.” He let his hand fall to his side and looked away. “It’s inevitable that we will lose people in this war. But hold onto your innocence and your hope as long as you can.”

Tonks was staring at him wide-eyed. He smiled at her weakly. “I’m going to go to bed. Good night Tonks.” 

He moved to leave the room but stopped and turned when she said his name. “Remus,” she was smiling through tears. “I’ll try not to change,” there was something in her tone that he found reassuring. A quiet strength that made her words sound like a promise. It was matched with a look of sincere resoluteness on her face. As if she were vowing to stay young and carefree despite all odds because that’s what they all need of her. 

He looked at her for a long moment. Taking in her words and her confident posture. He realized in that moment that she reminded him of young Sirius. He may have never stated so much in words that he would remain unchanged by the grief of war but he had the same attitude. He had resolved to remain his jovial, fearless self all through the last war, even when James had abandoned the pranks and jokes of their past in favor of somber bravery and respectable responsibility after settling down with Lily. Sirius would not let grief or loss change him, even thirteen years of Azkaban had not robbed him of his true self. He was a bit more broken, older, but not changed. Underneath it all, he was still the same Sirius. For better or worse. As she stood there gazing at him with eyes full of determination he could sense the same strong sense of self in Tonks. Perhaps it was a family trait, Remus reflected. 

“Just be you Tonks. We need you,” he replied. 

She stood in the middle of the room staring at him, biting her lip as if she was unsure of what to say next. Somewhere in the back of his mind he thought she looked beautiful, even when she was sad. Suddenly she smiled and nodded. “I’m going to go check on Molly and Bill,” she announced in her usual exuberant voice. “You should probably go check on Sirius anyways.” She brushed past him on her way out of the room. She turned and said, “Thanks Remus!” And then she was gone down the hall.


	19. Chapter 19

As expected, Remus found Sirius in their room waiting for him. He noticed that Sirius had apparently made a trip down to the kitchen first as there was an open bottle of whiskey on the bedside table. Sirius noticed his eyes on the alcohol and offered him a glass. “Figured we could use a drink after all that.”

Remus shook his head to decline the glass. Unlike Sirius, he prefered not to drink in times of emotional upheaval. He had learned long ago that it only made him feel worse. “How was Harry?” he asked instead.

“He seemed okay. Just wanted to go to bed. I think it was embarrassing for him really,” Sirius replied after he took a drink of the glass he had offered to Remus. His tone was nonchalant as if he were discussing weather instead of his godson’s reaction to an Order member’s distraught breakdown including a corporeal manifestation of his own dead body. 

Remus clenched his jaw and moved to throw himself on the bed face down. He was too emotionally spent to deal with Sirius’ inappropriate coping mechanisms. 

“No harm done. It’ll all seem like a bad dream in the morning, “ Sirius added, pouring himself another drink. 

Remus shut his eyes and took a deep breath before sitting up to address Sirius. He took the bottle out of his hand and silenced his annoyed response with a dark look. “I think you’ve had enough of this for tonight.”

Sirius looked at him and laughed, “Seriously Remus? I’m an adult. I can decide how much I want to drink.” 

“Can you?” Remus asked. “Because you don’t really seem like you are thinking like an adult right now.”

Sirius narrowed his eyes and swiped the bottle back from Remus. “What is that suppose to mean?” He sat the bottle and his glass back on the table. 

Remus stared hard at Sirius for a moment then flopped back down on the bed. “Never mind. I don’t want to fight tonight.”

“No really. If you think there is a problem I want to hear it.” Remus rolled onto his side with his back to Sirius and said nothing. “Come on Moony,” Sirius urged giving his shoulder a little shove. 

“That right there,” Remus replied. “Do you think that was mature? Shoving me because I don’t want to fight with you?”

“I don’t want to fight either,” Sirius replied. “I really want to know.” He sounded almost pitiful and his words were slightly slurred. 

Remus sat up to face him again. “You really think it’s healthy to come up here and start drinking alone after what just happened?”

“Well I was going to drink with you,” he joked. 

“Or making stupid little jokes about this?” Sirius’ face was downcast which Remus found surprising. He had expected his usual flare of temper. “Look what just went on with Molly, that was traumatic. She wasn’t wrong to be worried. She didn’t say anything the rest of us aren’t thinking. After seeing her on the floor sobbing like that, with a Bogart of a dead body, I feel like the floors about to fall out from under me.”

Sirius looked like he was trying to think of how to respond but remained silent. Remus continued, “I feel like I’m going to cry or vomit or something. I just wanted to talk to you. I just wanted to hold you. Some form of comfort.” He paused, glaring over at the bottle of whiskey. “But your up here half drunk trying to make jokes out of all this. I just can’t deal with it right now. I can’t laugh at this.” He closed his eyes and felt a trickle of tears slide down his cheeks. 

He felt Sirius reach out and take his hand and he looked up. Sirius looked pale, his face was contorted as if he were in pain. He pulled Remus’ hand to his chest and cradled it to himself. “I’m just trying to forget,” he croaked. 

Remus stared at him in stunned silence. “You don’t know, Remus. I can’t think about it. The things I see. I can’t. I-”

Remus shook himself out of his stupor and pulled Sirius into a hug. “It’s okay, “ he whispered. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed.”

Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus and clung to him tightly. “When you are around the Dementors for so long, it’s not just your worst memories anymore. You start to see things you are dreading too. The worst things. They get all mixed together and sometimes you can’t tell which were real and which were just fears.” He was trembling fiercely but continued, “ I had already seen… I saw James and Lily after… I went to find Harry and I saw… So I already saw them dead. I saw it all the time but I saw you too. Even though I never really… I didn’t know what was going on other than Voldemort was gone but I had no idea if you were alive or dead… I saw you and Harry too. It was all mixed together…”

Remus held Sirius as tightly as he could, rocking him gently, “Shh. You don’t have to tell me. It’s okay I understand.”

Sirius was sobbing into Remus chest now, clutching him desperately. Remus ran his fingers through his hair trying to sooth him. They stayed like that for several minutes until Sirius was able to regain control of himself. He pulled away to look at Remus. His dark hair was plastered to his face from the moisture of his tears. He looked more vulnerable than Remus could ever remember seeing him. He looked away and said, “I just want you to understand,” he said. “I have never been good at dealing with my shit and Azkaban has not made it any better.” 

Remus moved to hold him again but Sirius placed his hand on Remus chest to stop him. “So I am sorry Remus. I’m going to fuck up a lot. And I can’t think about losing you or losing Harry,” he looked hesitantly up at Remus as if he was afraid he was about to be rejected. 

Remus entwined their hands and gave Sirius’ fingers a reassuring squeeze, “I’m sorry too. I was upset and I took it out on you. You know I love your stupid jokes. Without your inappropriate innuendos I would end up in an endless loop of broody self deprecating thoughts about lycanthropy and all the other injustices of the universe.”

Sirius snorted and smiled brightly, his eyes shining. “You are quite sexy when you are brooding though.”

“See what would I do without that kind of commentary?” he teased, kissing Sirius’ cheek. In response, Sirius pulled him into a long, lingering kiss. 

“We should get some sleep. I’ve got guard duty tomorrow,” Remus interjected when they stopped for breath. 

Sirius leaned over and tapped the lamp with his wand to extinguish it. Then he laid down and pulled Remus’ back flush against his chest. “Thank you,” he whispered quietly into his ear.


	20. Chapter 20

“Honestly Padfoot, this was stupid. I know you wanted to get out but Dumbledore is not going to be happy,” Remus chastised Sirius outside the King’s Cross Station. The Weasleys and Moody had already aparated away and Remus felt free to admonish Sirius in peace. The last thing he wanted to do was to scold Sirius in front of Molly, in case she took it as an invitation to start in on him again. They had been getting along so well and Remus did not want to be the one to ruin their new found peace. 

“Ah don’t be too hard on him Remus,” Tonks chimed in Sirius’ defense. “He won’t get to see Harry again until holidays at least. Besides who wouldn’t want to get out of that house.” Sirius, still in the form of a dog, nuzzled Tonks’ leg affectionately. Tonks laughed and patted him on the head. She had morphed out of her elderly lady disguise but was still wearing conservative muggle clothes and the purple porkpie hat. She had opted for her natural hair color, but still looked odd in the outfit. It felt the very opposite of Tonks who was most often seen in sporting t-shirts and baggy jeans. 

“Don’t encourage him,” Remus replied shaking his head. “Well I suppose we are going to need to walk home now since you can’t apparate as a dog.” 

“Oh we can take the long way. I bet you’d love to go through the park wouldn’t you Padfoot?” In reply Sirius barked joyfully. He trotted ahead down the sidewalk. 

“Well you could still apparate,” Remus pointed out. 

“And miss out on hanging out with you and your boyfriend?” She stuck her tongue out at him playfully. “You never invite me to hang out with the both of you.” She followed Sirius down the sidewalk. 

Remus followed after them. “I didn’t know you wanted to?” he said uncertainly. Sirius seemed to be making the most of his temporary freedom, loping up and down the sidewalk at top speed, circling around Remus and Tonks before running ahead again. 

Tonks linked her arm through Remus’. He had gotten use to the easy way that Tonks touched him. It still felt odd to him that someone would so easily touch a werewolf, but he had accepted that Tonks was just the kind of person who liked to touch people and also the kind of person who didn’t seem to care if that person happened to be werewolf. “Why wouldn’t I? If he’s anything like you, we’ll get along great.”

Sirius barked in agreement as he went rushing past them again in another loop. 

“Now that you two have the house to yourselves maybe we can bring the drinks to Padfoot since he can’t come out to the pub,” she added. “No Molly to get on our case about our terrible drinking habits.” Sirius let out a howl at her suggestion, that sounded almost like a laugh.

“I’m not sure I can handle the two of you at the same time with alcohol involved,” Remus teased. “It’s hard enough being the responsible one with just Padfoot.” 

“Remus, Remus, Remus,” Tonks said in a sing-song voice. “The point of the alcohol is that we are trying to not be responsible. Haven’t you heard of down time?” 

“I’m sure it must be killing him to not be able to make any jokes during this conversation,” Remus replied, gesturing at the large black dog. Tonks laughed and pulled Remus along to speed up his pace. 

The park was nearly vacant when they arrived. Sirius took off at top speed running through the grass with joyful abandon. Tonks chased after him, calling out, “Should I throw a stick?” Sirius came to a sudden stop. Tonks unable to slow down in time, slammed into him and went tumbling over his back. “Alright no sticks then,” she replied, pulling herself off the ground into a sitting position, rubbing her elbow. 

“You’ve got, err, you’ve got some dirt on your face,” Remus pointed out, restraining his laughter. 

Sirius licked her cheek in apology as she scrubbed at her face with the sleeve of her shirt. “It was an honest question, mutt,” she said shoving him lightheartedly. 

Remus felt awkward standing while the two of them were on the ground so he took a seat across from Tonks. “We probably shouldn’t stay too long,” he said half heartedly. Sirius curled up next to him and laid his head in his lap. 

“Relax Remus. We scouted this place for hours, there aren’t any deatheating aresholes around here. We can give Padfoot a bit of fresh air and sunshine at least,” Tonks replied. She put her hands behind her head and flopped back onto the ground. “Let’s look at the clouds or something.” 

Remus idly petted Sirius’ head as if he were running his fingers through his hair. “You want to look at clouds?” he asked in a disbelieving tone. Sirius nuzzled his hand in response. “You must really be sick of the house,” he replied laying back in the grass to stare up at the sky. “The idea of you wanting to do something as peaceful as staring at clouds is novel.” Sirius nipped at his fingers to show his indignation. 

“To be honest, it’s not really a thing I would do either,” Tonks replied with a yawn. “Not exactly invigorating but not too many options at the moment. Besides it was a long night last night and cloud watching doesn’t take a lot of effort.”

Remus didn’t reply. He looked up at the sky watching the poofs of clouds floating by, thinking how odd this was to be laying on the ground in a Muggle park watching clouds with friends. Less than three months ago he wasn’t even sure he still had any friends. He’d still been afraid to talk to Sirius and couldn’t imagine someone like Tonks considering a werewolf a friend. It felt surreal to be doing something so mundane as this, especially when he considered that less than twenty four hours ago he had been comforting a sobbing Molly on the drawing room floor. That memory felt so distant now, sitting outside in the open air and sunshine with Sirius curled up contently next to him and Tonks tracing patterns in the sky with her finger. 

“Hey Padfoot! That one kind of looks like a dog. See there’s the head and the tail. You just got to pretend that one of its legs is behind the other one,” Tonks pointed excitedly. “Do you see it?”

Remus squinted at it. “I guess. Kind of?”

“You’ve got to use your imagination Remus!” Tonks teased him. “Alright you do one!” Sirius made a strange wheezing sound that Remus suspected was some form of laughter. 

He scanned the sky, trying to imagine some familiar shape. “There,” he pointed to a elongated lumpy cloud with a skinny swirling line of fluff stretching upward toward the front end. “That one kind of looks like the Hogwarts Express. Right?” 

Tonks scrutinized it for a long moment, tilting her head to look at it at multiple angles, “Yes it kind of does!” Sirius had sat up to look at it too. “I wonder if the kids can see it from the train,” she mused.

“They are probably too far north now. Besides they are probably too busy to look out the window at the clouds anyways,” Remus replied. 

“I suppose,” Tonks responded. Her voice sounded slightly sad. She remained quiet for a moment but didn’t seem to be looking at the clouds anymore. Finally she asked, “They’ll be okay right?”

Remus sat up to get a better look at her expression. Sirius was also watching her face intently. 

She blushed. “I mean. Of course they will be. Dumbledore is there. I just worry. Kingsley said that Umbridge woman is awful and she works directly for Fudge. And well after what happened with Harry’s hearing and all that, I just want him to have a good year. I want all of them to have fun, before…” she trailed off. 

“I know what you mean,” Remus replied. “I worry too. Those kids have all been through way too much already. I want them to get to enjoy Hogwarts while they can.” 

Sirius whined in agreement. 

Tonks got to her feet and brushed the ground debris from her clothing, “Well I suppose we should really be getting back now. If someone shows up at headquarters and no one is there they might come looking for us.” 

Remus stood up as well giving her an appreciative look. 

“I can’t make you be the only responsible one all the time,” she replied with a small smile. 

Sirius rose listlessly and followed along beside Remus at a slow trot, all of his earlier exuberance forgotten.


	21. Chapter 21

Over the next few weeks it quickly became routine for Tonks to arrive at Grimmauld Place on the nights that she and Remus both had free. Often times she brought newspapers and magazines for Sirius as he was unable to get his own subscriptions being a wanted convict living in a magically hidden house. Even more often she brought some sort of alcohol and entertainment. She had made a hobby out of learning muggle games from her father which she had been introducing to Remus and Sirius. She was particularly interested in cards and had already taught them poker and gin rummy. Sirius had been disappointed to learn that gin rummy didn’t actually have anything to do with gin or rum, until Tonks assured him that they could modify the rules to include drinking. 

Remus was particularly grateful for Tonks’ company as her frequent visits greatly reduced the amount of time Sirius spent sulking. He also found that having her around in the evenings kept the house from feeling so empty since Harry, Hermione and the Weasley’s had left. Sirius had been right about the reduced amount of traffic from Order members after the term started and besides Tonks, they often didn’t see anyone other than each other and Kreacher for days at a time. 

Despite some anxiety about how inappropriate Sirius would get when drinking, Remus found he enjoyed these evening events quite a bit. He was happy to find that Sirius and Tonks got along well. If he was being completely honest with himself he sometimes felt that they got along entirely too well, but he banished that particular thought any time it surfaced. The present was too good to over analyze. He wanted to enjoy this sense of closeness while it lasted. He hadn’t shared this kind of intimacy within a friend group since before James and Lily had went into hiding so many years ago. 

So he reminded himself that Sirius had always been a flirt and mused that it must be a genetic component of being a Black that Tonks shared. He would simply roll his eyes at their bantering antics. He also pretended not to notice when Tonks’ eyes lingered just a bit too long on himself and said nothing when she came up with increasingly insignificant reasons to touch him. He still couldn’t quite believe that she could truly have feelings for someone like him, so it was easy for him to convince himself he was only imagining things. 

If it weren’t for Sirius’ propensity to always bring the conversation back to sex eventually, Remus may have been able to avoid the awkwardness altogether. But there inevitably came a point in the evening, usually two or three drinks in, where the subject of sex was broached. This nearly always resulted in Remus becoming flustered and uncomfortable while Tonks and Sirius traded stories, saucey memories and increasingly dirty innuendo. However they never spoke about current sexual escapades for which Remus was incredibly grateful. So he didn’t attempt to curtail Sirius, instead opting to remain in awkward silence hoping his lack of input would keep Sirius from dragging him into the conversation or worse begin teasing him and Tonks about the time he found them snogging in the closet. 

This strategy worked pretty well for a time, until one evening while they were sitting on the couch drinking some of the muggle beer that Tonks had brought along, watching her try to build a house out of a deck of cards. 

Tonks collapsed into giggles after she accidentally wrecked her house of cards for the fifth time. “This is hopeless,” she gasped.

“We could play a round instead,” Remus offered. 

“No I’m too pissed to keep up with it,” she laughed and slumped into an armchair. 

“We can just talk. Enjoy each other’s company,” Sirius replied. “Don’t you want to enjoy the company, Moony?” Sirius asked with a cocky smile.

Tonks seemed to find this hilarious and dissolved into another bout of laughter. Remus felt his face heating up.

“So Tonks, what is it you do when you aren’t hanging around here with us?” Sirius asked conversationally when she managed to stop laughing. Remus watched Sirius wearily. He expected this question was not nearly as innocent as it sounded.

“Oh between Auror work and Order work I don’t have much free time or a social life. You’re it my friends!” she exclaimed with a wide gesture of her hand. 

“Oh no extracurriculars?” Sirius asked.

“None!” she replied and took another drink. 

“Well what do you do to blow off steam? You know work out your stress?” Sirius asked taking another drink of his own beer. 

Remus realized what Sirius was getting at but Tonks seemed confused. He tried to jump in to redirect the conversation before it was too late. “Like do you have any other hobbies?”

Tonks looked from Sirius to Remus then answered uncertainly, “Sometimes I like to watch Muggle movies, you know those moving picture things they have?” 

“Yes those look really interesting,” Remus replied with relief.

“That’s not really what I meant,” Sirius clarified.

“Oh, well what did you mean then?” Tonks asked, leaning far forward, all modesty forgotten in her slightly inebriated state. Remus averted his eyes as not to look down the front of her shirt. He noticed that Sirius did not. 

“I mean are you seeing anyone? Or well sleeping with anyone?” Sirius replied without missing a beat. 

“Sirius!’ Remus reproached him.

Tonks however, blushing deeply, answered, “No. Neither.”

“Really? What do you do to unwind then?” he asked her completely ignoring Remus’ furious glare.

She blushed even deeper and looked at Remus for a split second before averting her eyes. “I, err, I take care of myself.” Then she clamped her hands over her mouth and moaned. “Oh my god I can’t believe I just told you that!”

Sirius was grinning madly and Remus was staring wide eyed at Tonks, so surprised by her admission that he had forgotten the reprimand he had prepared for Sirius. 

“Merlin. This is so embarrassing.” Tonks replied, her hands still over her face. 

“It doesn’t have to be. It’s actually kind of hot,” Sirius reassured her. “Well no wonder you tried to jump Remus in the closet.” He chuckled. 

“Sirius!” Remus shouted again. Sirius ignored him. Tonks looked uncertainly at the two of them through her fingers. 

“Pardon me, I seem to have lost most of my good manners in Azkaban. Sexual propriety was the first to go,” Sirius replied affably, with a shrug. 

Tonks laughed again, this time sounding nearly hysterical. Remus watched her helplessly, unsure how to repair this horribly derailed conversation. After a few moments of the wild laughter she straightened up and observing them, timidly said, “Well that was mortifying.”

Remus shook his head in silent agreement, which elicited a smile from Tonks. 

Sirius gave her a wink. “We’re all friends here. No shame darling.”

“Oh I’m certain that you have no shame, Sirius my dear,” she replied getting to her feet. “I’ll see you two tomorrow. I think I’ve had enough embarrassment for one night!” She winked at Sirius and smiled again at Remus and headed down the hallway to the front door. 

They sat in silence as they listened to her muffled footsteps move down the hall. After they heard the front door close Sirius turned to Remus with an impish grin. “That went well.”

Remus stared at him in disbelief. “You’re joking. What about that would you define as well?”

“Oh come on Remus, even you have to have noticed that she’s into you.” Sirius replied, matter of factly. 

“Did I miss something? What did humiliating her like that have to do with anything?” Remus replied hotly.

“Well you told me you thought she was attractive.” Remus felt his face flush. He couldn’t tell if it was from embarrassment or rage. “I think if we asked her she’d be open to messing around with us.”

Remus did not think his jaw could drop any lower while still remaining attached to his face, “You can’t be serious. You were feeling out if she’d be into a threesome?”

“Yup and I think she’d be into it.” He paused to take another drink of his beer, while Remus struggled to respond. “She was embarrassed but she was eager enough to tell us about masterbating.” Sirius pointed out in a calm and logical fashion, which only infuriated Remus more. 

“What is wrong with you!” Remus shouted.

Sirius gave him a look that clearly meant he thought Remus was overreacting. “What? She likes you, you like her, I’m so bored and frustrated I’d shag nearly anyone who’s willing.”

“Sirius, you are so frustrating!” Remus realized he was shouting. He took a deep breath to stable himself and made the effort to lower his voice, “Did you think of asking me if I’m even interested in something like this?”

Sirius made a move to pull Remus into his arms but Remus moved out of his range. He crossed his arms instead, pouting. “I thought you would appreciate it. I can tell you like her.”

Remus sighed heavily. “Look Sirius, not everyone is like you. Not everyone can just separate sex and feelings. It would be an awful idea to-- to include Tonks in-- in sex.”

Sirius stared at him blankly, as if he were speaking nonsense. 

“You think she has feelings for me? Well it’s just stupid to bring sex into this. You’ll just be making it harder on her. I don’t want to encourage her.”

Sirius narrowed his eyes. For the first time all night he appeared to be experiencing something other than detached amusement. “You don’t want to encourage her? Or are you talking about yourself? How badly do you want her Remus?” His cool demeanor had completely dissolved. His voice was hoarse and hard. “Are you scared that you like her too much?”

Remus flinched at the harshness of his tone and the accusatory nature of his question. He took a moment to steel himself. “Yes. I can’t keep my feelings separate from sex.” Sirius inhaled sharply. “I don’t think she could either. That’s why it’s a bad idea. Can we just drop this?” He shifted closer to Sirius, reaching out and taking his hand. “I’m with you. It’s where I want to be,” he whispered. 

Sirius squeezed his hand gently, repeating softly, “You want to be with me…”

Remus stared determinedly into his face, then pulled him close. “Yes. I do. So please stop trying to fuck it up.”

Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus and held him tightly. “I’m sorry,” he said, his voice muffled by his proximity to Remus’ torso. 

“You’re forgiven,” Remus replied, kissing the top of his head. “But please stop pushing things with Tonks. I like where things are at. Let’s not ruin this.”

Sirius didn’t reply but leaned heavily into Remus, pushing him gently down on the couch. He laid half on top of Remus with his face and arm pressed against his chest. Remus gently rubbed Sirius’ back hoping that he found it soothing. They laid like that for a long time until finally Remus suggested they go back to their bed.


	22. Chapter 22

Much to Remus’ relief, Sirius did not bring up Tonks’ sex life again. Neither did Tonks mention their embarrassing conversation, and mercifully things continued on unchanged. Sirius and Tonks still exchanged inappropriate jokes and flirty banter but everyone seemed content to leave talk about sex light and non-specific. 

The conversation that Remus and Sirius had had that night after Tonks had left must have reassured Sirius as he seemed more secure in their relationship and felt less need to push those particular boundaries. Over the days that had followed that uncomfortable night, Remus came to realize that perhaps Sirius had pushed the issue out of some deep, secret insecurity. He suspected it had been less about wanting a threesome and more about gauging Remus’ response to the suggestion. Remus was at once annoyed that Sirius hadn’t just asked him about his feelings for Tonks instead of causing an awkward scene and flattered that he cared enough about their relationship to be worried. Regardless, Remus assertion that he wanted to be with Sirius seemed to have calmed his concerns.

As the days passed by, the three of them began spending increasingly more time together. Tonks began coming over straight after work to join them for dinner instead of waiting until the late evening to show up just for drinks. This was a particularly pleasant development as neither Remus or Sirius were inspired cooks. What Tonks lacked in culinary skill she made up for with bizarre and adventurous additions to the menu. She enjoyed trying new things and was always bringing something strange or exotic that she had found in the markets at Diagon Alley on her lunch break. Despite a few disastrous finds, like a magically enhanced pepper that was so hot they’d all ended up with watery eyes for several hours and a strange blue spice that tasted of roasted garlic but had the unfortunate side effect of gluing one’s jaw shut, most of her finds were good and dramatically improved the cuisine.

Soon it became a comfortable routine for Tonks to simply hang around the house with them. She even began staying over to keep Sirius company on evenings when Remus was out on Order business, which both Sirius and Remus appreciated. Sirius became moody and withdrawn anytime he had to stay in Grimmauld Place by himself, even when he knew it was for the good of the Order. Left to his own devices, he beat himself up about not being able to do his part and agonized about being stuck in the house. Remus found him much more approachable upon his return on the evenings that Tonks had kept him company. 

Remus appreciated the company too. He had spent most of his life in self imposed isolation, fearful that any of his neighbors or co-workers would discover he was a werewolf. Even though war was bound to break out any day and Sirius was still trapped in the house for an indefinite length of time, the past summer had been one of the best of his life and he was ecstatic to have not only Sirius but Tonks as well for regular company as the season turned to autumn. He hadn’t dared hope to ever find a lover or even a close friend again in his life but now was amazed to find that he had both. He tried to remain grateful and to ignore the part of his mind that continuously tried to remind him that such good things could never last. 

He was trying to banish the very same thoughts one evening as he was in the kitchen preparing dinner with Tonks. Sirius had disappeared upstairs a few minutes before to feed Buckbeak, directing a hovering bag of dead rodents with his wand. Remus and Tonks were moving about the kitchen making dinner in a comfortable silence. 

Remus was focusing hard on directing several knives to slice a variety of vegetables, trying to shake his undue feelings of dread when Tonks approached him. 

“Remus, can I talk to you about something?” She asked in a tone that was more serious than usual. 

Remus looked up at her in concern. “Of course Tonks,” he replied, wondering why she was being so formal and why she looked so nervous. 

She moved forward and gently grabbed his wand from his hand and set it on the table in front of him so he would stop working on the vegetables. He looked at her slightly startled. It was rather forward for her to have taken his wand out of his hand. He worried whatever she had to say was gravely important. He tried to think of what it could be that she would not say in front of Sirius. 

She smiled at him, to ease his worry and slid her hands into his. He found his breath had caught in his throat. She took another step closer. “I have a confession to make,” she said with an impish smile. “I can’t stop thinking about the day we snogged in the closet.” 

He looked at her in stunned silence. This was not at all what he had expected. She was still smiling. “Don’t worry. I know you are with Sirius,” she reassured him. She moved in even closer, until there was no space between them and he could feel her breasts pressed against him when she took a breath. “But I think Sirius wouldn’t mind if we included him.” 

“Tonks…” he moaned. He was awash in the combined heat between them, but still he shivered. 

“Hmm,” she answered, leaning into him. He knew she was going to try to kiss him again and he realized with equal parts excitement and disgust that wanted to press her into the table and take her right on top of the vegetables. Instead he dropped her hands and took two steps back. 

She looked thoroughly disappointed. “I’m sorry Tonks. This is not a good idea.” She pursed her lips. “I’m flattered really. You have no idea.” She did not look convinced. “I don’t even know why you would be interested in me. There have got to be lots of men your own age interested in you. Ones that aren’t werewolves...” 

She glared at his feet. “I don’t care that you are a werewolf. You should know that by now.”

“I know. And that means a lot to me. But it’s not just that.” She was still looking down, determinedly avoiding eye contact. He moved forward and gently lifted her chin so she was looking at him. “I value our friendship Tonks. And I don’t want to do anything to ruin it.” 

She stared at him for a long moment. He hoped she would understand. He wasn’t sure what he would do if she tried to argue or worse tried to kiss him again. 

She opened her mouth to respond but was interrupted by Sirius, “Did I miss something good?”

Tonks jumped from surprise and Remus took a swift step back. Sirius looked back and forth between the two of them, waiting for an answer. When they both failed to respond he joked, “You know if your going to snog again I’d appreciate an invitation this time. I’ll bring popcorn.” He was trying hard to hide the hurt in his voice but Remus could still hear it. There was a hard edge to his joke that even Tonks seemed to notice.

“Sirius it’s not--” Remus started.

“Not like every time I leave the two of you alone together you end up attached by the lips?” 

“We didn’t--” Remus began again but was interrupted this time by Tonks who was looking ashamed. 

“Sirius I’m sorry. Don’t blame Remus. I- I was coming on to him.” Sirius’s eyes narrowed to slits and he looked like he was about to burst in outrage. “I’m sorry. I thought that you’d both be up to… well never mind what I thought. I should have talked to you both not just Remus.” She looked at him apologetically. “He rejected me anyways.” Sirius’ face softened and he glanced at Remus who was trying hard not to panic. 

“He did?” His lips twitched into a smile. “And what exactly did he reject?”

Tonks blushed furiously. Remus was certain his own face matched. “I, er, well I-- I’m sorry I think I was reading too much into things. I..” she trailed off too embarrassed to answer. 

Sirius looked to Remus for explanation. “She suggested that the three of us…”

“Oh.” Sirius replied, understanding dawning on him. “And what did you say?” 

Remus glanced at Tonks who seemed to have stopped breathing completely. “The same thing I told you when you brought it up.” Tonks did a double take. “Well essentially the same thing.”

“Wait a minute!” Tonks interjected. “You two have already talked about this?!” 

Remus, who was finding himself incapable of answering verbally, nodded while Sirius began to laugh. 

“You bloody perverts!” Tonks exclaimed. Then she gasped, “Oh I was right then!” She looked at Sirius, “You’re into this aren’t you?” 

“I was the one that suggested it,” Sirius replied cheekily. 

“Then that night you asked me if I was seeing anyone…”

“Yeah I was trying to see if you were available or interested. But Remus didn’t want to mess anything up. Said there are too many feelings involved.” Remus had the impression that Sirius had used every ounce of willpower to not roll his eyes while saying this. 

Remus was listening to this exchange with growing exasperation. He couldn’t believe how open and forthcoming Sirius was willing to be when it came to talking about sex when Remus had to meticulously drag out any detail at all about his actual feelings. Now they were both staring at him. He was sure they were judging him for being such a prude. “I just think it’s a bad idea, okay. I have a hard time separating sex from romantic feelings.” He was trying not to look at either of them. “It would just make everything complicated and I don’t want to lose you as a friend Tonks.” 

He heard both Tonks and Sirius sigh heavily. “It’s fine Remus. I get it,” Tonks replied. “You don’t have to explain anymore.” She sighed again, making a waving motion with her hand. “Maybe I should just go home tonight.”

“No. Please stay,” Remus replied in a rush. “We don’t want you to go.” He looked to Sirius for support. 

“Yes. Stay,” Sirius added. “It’s not like we want you around just for sex or something.” Remus gave him a pointed look and he ran his hand through his hair and shrugged. 

“Are you sure? Because it kind of feels like things are completely awkward right now.” Tonks said.

“It doesn’t have to be awkward.” Sirius reassured her.

“Yes. I remember no shame among friends,” she replied rolling her eyes. “Sirius the shameless!”

Sirius gave her his best charming smile. “Hang around me long enough and you’ll be shameless too,” he promised.

“I hate to think what Remus was like before he knew you,” she teased.

“Too ashamed to speak most of the time. Quiet as church mouse. But when you get him loosened up, well you should hear the shameful things he says,” Sirius replied with a devious grin. 

Tonks looked Remus up and down in an exaggerated fashion, chuckling, “Oh I bet.”

“I’m right here. I can hear you, you know!” Remus replied, flustered. 

Sirius crossed the room and pulled Remus close, planting a kiss on his forehead. “Wouldn’t be fun if you couldn’t.” He released Remus and waltzed over to check on the pot on the stove as if nothing out of the ordinary had just happened. 

Tonks smiled at Remus and shrugged. Then she started gathering plates from the cupboard to set the table. Remus stood in the middle of the room gaping at both of them, feeling as if he had been whiplashed. Not for the first time he realized how similar the two of them were, both able to let awkward and uncomfortable things roll right off in a way he could barely fathom. 

He watched them for a few moments, happily bustling about the kitchen readying the meal, in awe of their utter lack of self consciousness until Sirius reminded him that the vegetables would not chop themselves unless he directed them too.


	23. Chapter 23

“But do you both really have to go for the four days?” Sirius whined. He was following Remus around the house as he searched for the things he needed to pack. In the month since the kids left for school, he and Sirius had really spread out throughout the whole house, leaving clothing (Sirius), books (Remus) and all manner of other possessions (mostly Sirius and even a little of Tonks) in nearly every room. It was as if they were attempting to fill the empty spaces that the others had left behind. 

“Yes we both have to go. We are the only ones who can manage being gone that long without drawing too much attention.” Remus said picking up one of his shirts off the library floor. He held it out for Sirius’ inspection. “Were you wearing this? I’ve been looking for this shirt for a week.” 

He almost thought he saw a hint of a blush on Sirius’ pale cheeks as he hastily answered, “Yeah well I must have just picked up off the floor and put it on when I wasn’t paying attention.”

Remus raised an eyebrow but didn’t question his answer. “I don’t mind if you wear my shirts.” He paused to smile slyly. “I think it’s sweet you miss me that much,” he teased. 

Sirius opened his mouth to retort but Remus silenced him with a finger on his lips. “Just put them back when you are done.” 

Sirius grabbed Remus’ hand and pushed his finger into his mouth to suck on it. Remus gasped. Sirius winked at him. “I have better ideas of how to show you that I missed you,” he said in a low suggestive voice. “Or rather how much I’m going to miss you.” He pulled Remus close and kissed him hard. Remus leaned into him, letting the shirt fall back to the floor. 

Remus lost track of time and their movements and was surprised some time later when Sirius broke away to find that they had somehow managed to make it onto the couch. He grabbed the front of Sirius’s robe attempting to pull him back down into another kiss, feeling slightly annoyed that they had stopped in the first place. 

“Sorry! Didn’t mean to interrupt!” Remus heard the familiar voice of Tonks, though her exclamation was a higher pitch than normal. 

“Tonks, now that you have managed to master the front door without waking up the Old Hag we have no way to tell when you’ve snuck in to spy on us,” Sirius teased.

Remus sat up and put some distance between himself and Sirius. Sirius winked at him again, while he nervously smoothed his hair down. Tonks was quite pink in the face, but was able to recover enough to banter back at Sirius, “Don’t flatter yourself too much dear, there are other shows in town.” She stuck her tongue out at Sirius and gave Remus a small wink as if to apologize for both walking in on them and the comment. 

“I’ll have to take your word for it as I’m currently contained in this dreary residence indefinitely,” Sirius replied with a hint of irritation. He reached out and took Remus’ hand into his own. “But the company is hard to beat,” he added in a gentler tone. 

Remus rolled his eyes, but smiled warmly at him afterwards. “Flattery won’t change the necessity for me to leave this weekend.” 

Sirius kissed Remus’ hand lightly. “Worth a try.” 

Tonks moved around the sofa to plop down in one of the arm chairs. “Don’t worry Sirius, I will return him promptly on Tuesday evening, with his virtue intact.” 

“Quite impossible. Remus has no virtue left to speak of,” Sirius replied cheekily. 

Remus replied with mock offense, “Excuse me! Pot calling the kettle Black.” 

Tonks laughed at his remark, watching Sirius intently to see his response. 

“I think we can all agree that there is very little virtue to be found in this room,” he answered.

“Hey now! Don’t drag me into your debauchery!” Tonks replied, wagging her finger.

“I should have warned you. Being friends with Sirius comes with the near guaranteed side effect of being dragged into debauchery,” Remus said apologetically. 

Sirius suddenly lunged forward, pinning Remus to the couch and licking his face. 

“Uggh!” Remus protested. Tonks laughed again. 

“Moony, your life would be so boring without my debauchery.” He grinned mischievously. “Admit it.”

Remus had no intention of ending up with more spit on his face and surrendered willingly, “I’d be bereft without you.” 

Sirius released him, smiling haughtily. “What will the two of you do without me for four whole days? How joyless and boring it will be.” 

“We might actually get some work done,” Remus replied, wiping his face with his sleeve. 

“I imagine so. Has he told you he’s taking half the library?” Sirius said turning to Tonks.

“I’m taking three books for research during the downtime,” Remus explained.   
“Working through the weekend and doing research in your spare time? You are chronically bookish,” Sirius teased. 

Remus gave him an unimpressed look and turned to Tonks, “Not that we don’t mind seeing you, but I thought you’d be staying home tonight since we have such an early morning.”

“Well I thought I’d just sleep over tonight, you know since we are leaving so early,” she replied. Then with a horrified look, she clarified, “In one of the spare rooms.”

Sirius had the wicked grin that so often surfaced just before he began mercilessly embarrassing someone. Remus was acutely aware of this particular Sirius expression as it was most often reserved for him. He jumped in quickly to prevent Sirius from mortifying Tonks, “Of course. You are welcome to stay in one of the spare rooms.” 

Sirius looked briefly disappointed but recovered quickly. “Of course,” he echoed Remus. “But I do recommend using a silencing charm on whichever room you end up in. I won’t be seeing Remus for four whole days and I’m not responsible for any passionate cries you may overhear this evening.” 

Remus who, had up until this moment, been somewhat impressed by his own ability to keep from blushing thus far today, felt his face grow hot and red. Tonks was looking quite flustered and Sirius was smiling impishly. 

After an awkward silence that Remus felt certain must have spanned several minutes, he finally mentioned something about needing to finish packing. He rose to continue his search of the house for the rest of his missing things. Sirius ushered Tonks up the stairs to help her find a spare room that was in a reasonably clean condition and lacking any cursed Black family heirlooms. 

Remus took advantage of the quiet to make sure his face was no longer a blushing red and resolutely promised himself to remember to put a silencing charm on their bedroom tonight. 

By the time Remus had finished packing and made his way to the kitchen to start contemplating dinner, the hushed calm was interrupted by the thundering sound of two grown adults running down the stairs. Remus smiled to himself and shook his head, assuming that Sirius had challenged Tonks to a race. 

Tonks came skidding into the kitchen, laughing wildly and calling out, “Sweet victory!” until she tripped on her own feet and ended up waving her arms desperately in search of something to catch herself on. Remus moved forward to catch her so she wouldn’t smash her face on the hard tiled floor, but just at that moment Sirius came careening into the kitchen at top speed yelling that she had only won because he’d spent most of the last decade in a cell in Azkaban. Unable to stop himself in time, he slammed into Tonks who fell face first into Remus, knocking him back onto the floor. 

Remus felt all the air rush out of his lungs as he hit the floor with a sickening thud. He was too distracted by the sudden evacuation of air and the sharp pain in the back of his head that he hardly noticed Tonks had fallen on top of him. She seemed surprised as well and instead of immediately getting up she sat half way up, straddling his waist, peering into his eyes with a strange expression. 

Remus, unable to breathe properly, grabbed her firmly by the arms to roll her off. She made a strange little sound that may have been an “Oh” and suddenly scrambled off of him. Sirius grabbed her under the armpits to pull her to her feet, while Remus stayed on the floor trying to regain his breath. 

“Oh Remus! I’m so sorry!” Tonks cried. Sirius looked like he was doing his best not to laugh. 

Once he caught his breath, Remus sat up on his elbows and glaring at Sirius, said, “It’s alright Tonks. No lasting harm done. Besides I’m confident racing down the stairs was Sirius’ idea.” 

Sirius offered his hand to Remus to pull him up. “Just a bit of fun,” he replied, giving Remus a charming smile. 

“For you maybe,” Remus chided as he got to his feet. He gingerly touched the back of his head and winced. 

Tonks had the grace to look remorseful while Sirius offered to kiss him better. Remus shook his head in reply and immediately regretted it. 

Tonks rushed forward, wand extended offering a healing spell. Sirius went to one of the cupboards and pulled out a nondescript potion bottle and a larger bottle that Remus was certain contained Tequila. He mixed the two in a shot glass and offered it to Remus, “Trust me. Best thing for a headache!” 

Remus took the glass and sniffed it suspiciously, while Tonks muttered a healing incantation. He felt the bruised knot on the back of his head dissipate. “Thank you,” he sighed, moving to take a seat at the table and setting the shot glass on the table in front of him. 

“Err are you sure it’s safe to mix healing potions with alcohol?” Tonks asked Sirius.

“I do it all the time and I’m fine,” he replied.

“Define fine,” Remus grumbled before he drank the contents of the glass in one large gulp. “Gah, that’s worse than Wolf’s Bane,” he complained. 

“Yes but your head doesn’t hurt now does it?” Sirius replied, leaning in to kiss Remus on the back of the head as if to prove his point. 

“Or it could have been the healing spell,” Remus pointed out.

“The world may never know,” Sirius stated as he moved to the far side of the kitchen to pull out a pan to begin cooking dinner. Tonks moved to help him and Remus stayed seated at the table, enjoying the strange buzzing feeling in his head that he assumed was thanks to the potion and Tequila mixture. 

They spent a pleasant evening sharing dinner (and more of the Tequila) while Sirius regaled them all with a very lewd version of the Sorting Hat Song he had written himself in their seventh year and later shared his personal list of the very best Marauder pranks in Hogwarts’ history to Tonks who seemed to be growing increasingly more impressed. 

“No way! Remus was in on all of these? I don’t believe it,” she exclaimed after Sirius had shared a story about how they had not only managed to steal some of professor McGonagall's knickers to display in the Great Hall for a very special Valentine’s day prank but also managed to pin the blame for the whole thing on group of surly Slytherins.

Remus smiled sheepishly, rather enjoying Tonks’ new found admiration. 

“Oh he is not nearly as innocent at he seems. Most of the time he was the brilliant mastermind behind the whole thing while me and James and Peter did the dirty work,” Sirius explained. He too was gazing at Remus with adoration. 

“When in Rome,” he said, tipping his glass in Sirius’ direction. Tonks’ burst into a round of giggles and Sirius began singing a reappraisal of his Sorting Hat Song. 

By the time they were all heading upstairs to retire for the ending, Remus was sure they’d all probably had entirely too much Tequila but was enjoying the giddy filter it provided too much to care. Everything was funny and he felt nearly weightless. Sirius was still singing and Tonks was still laughing as they approached the stairs.

“Rematch!” Sirius called out as he went racing up the stairs. Tonks shrieked with laughter at the bottom of the stairs and lunged after him, her usual lack of coordination enhanced by the liberal amount of alcohol she had consumed at dinner. She brushed past Remus, and slipped on the stair above him falling backwards. Remus grabbed her hand and kept her from crashing down the stairs. 

“You are very lucky you happen to be friends with someone with supernatural reflexes,” he teased. 

“Oh you balance me out.” She was smiling breathlessly. 

He smiled back. “Let’s go,” he said, pulling her up the stairs, their hands still joined. 

Sirius was waiting at the top of the stairs to gloat. “Ha I won!” He noticed their entwined hands and frowned. 

Remus, who had only vaguely realized he was holding Tonks’ hand, dropped it. Her smile faltered slightly but she swung her hands behind her back and did a tottering kind of dance. “Not fair to challenge me to a feat of coordination when I’m inebriated!” 

Sirius shrugged and asked, “Are you coming to bed?” 

Before Remus could answer, Tonks sung out, “Only if you ask nicely!” before dissolving into laughter. 

For some reason, Remus forgot to be embarrassed and instead found Tonks’ comment hilarious and began laughing too. 

Sirius sighed and groaned something about “Lightweights” before directing Tonks to a door down the hallway and marching Remus to their own room. 

He sat Remus down on the bed and began removing his shoes. “Look at me being the responsible one,” he said as he placed Remus’ shoes on the floor. “I should have stopped you after two drinks.”

Remus laughed at that. “Sirius, you are so funny right now.”

“Oh poor Moony. You are drunk.”

“You didn’t have to get me drunk to have your way with me, you know,” he replied, clumsily tugging at Sirius’ clothing. 

Sirius grabbed his hands to occupy them. “I think you’ll need to sober up a bit before that.” Remus pouted. “Is this what I’m usually like? No wonder you are always annoyed with me,” Sirius replied in response. 

“I’m not that drunk,” Remus protested. “I know what I’m doing.” He moved forward to kiss Sirius, but he moved back out of his reach. 

“Are you sure?” he asked with an edge to his voice.

“I’m not sure I know what we are talking about now,” Remus confessed, flopping back to lie on the bed.

“Why were you holding her hand?” Sirius asked. 

Remus thought that usually he would worry about this question but he was currently experiencing an amazing lack of anxiety, the likes of which he could not remember feeling any time in the last decade and a half. So instead he found the question entertaining. “Oh the unshakeable Sirius Black is jealous,” he quipped in an almost singsong voice. He grabbed Sirius arm and attempted to pull him down on the bed with him.

“Maybe I am,” Sirius replied, resisting his attempt to move him.

Remus gave up his attempt to bring Sirius to him and instead sat up leaning against Sirius’ back to kiss the nape of his neck. “She was going to fall down the stairs because of your stupid race. Nothing to worry about,” he explained before tracing a trail from Sirius’ neck down to his jaw with his tongue. 

Sirius shrugged him off. “I’m starting to think I should worry,” he replied turning to look at Remus face to face. 

Remus rubbed his face and said, “You are right. I think I am too drunk for this conversation.”

“And what is that suppose to mean?” Sirius asked staring at him through narrowed eyes.

“I don’t know Sirius. I don’t know what I’m saying,” Remus replied. He was feeling less weightless now. In fact he was starting to have an uncomfortable feeling of sinking, sinking down into the ocean of his ever present anxieties. He felt frustratingly close to crying when just a moment ago everything had felt fuzzy and fun. 

Sirius was still staring at him, his face arranged in a disapproving grimace. Remus struggled to find something to say to change the conversation back to something safe and happy. Or at least to not say the wrong thing. He was having a hard time following the conversation and an even harder time controlling his emotions. 

“Maybe I’m not comfortable with the two of you going off alone for a long weekend. Not with the way she’s always ogling you and how you two always end up attached to each other when I’m out of the room,” Sirius finally replied, breaking the heavy silence. 

Remus nodded to show he was listening but, unable to think of a reasonable response, stayed silent. 

“It seems to me it’s more than just you finding her attractive. Seems like you have a thing for her,” Sirius accused.

Remus looked at him pleadingly before replying, “I do like her. I like her a lot.” He watched Sirius’ face as it bunched up in hurt and anger. “But I am in love with you.” He waited, bracing himself for whatever response he might receive. 

Sirius continued to glare at him for a long moment before his face softened. “Say it again,” he commanded in a gruff voice. 

Remus smiled. “I’m in love with you,” he repeated. 

“Again!” Sirius demanded as he bound forward to embrace him. Remus didn’t get the chance to comply however because as soon as he opened his mouth to reply Sirius had covered it with his own. 

It wasn’t until hours later as they were finally drifting off to sleep that Remus remembered he had forgotten to cast a silencing spell.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi folks. I usually don't do a note before the chapter but I wanted to give a trigger warning for this chapter. I don't want to spoil anything but there will be a - text break in this chapter and after that text break there will be some graphic depictions of violence in the second half of the chapter. I'm going to put a small summary without details of the violence in the notes at the bottom so if you are not sure if you want to read it you can skip it without missing the plot.

“I did not think it was going to be this cold. Did Mundungus tell you it was going to be this cold?” Tonks asked as they passed the brackish lake about halfway around their patrol perimeter. He could see her shivering through her thin jumper. 

“No. He just said it would be far to the north,” Remus replied distractedly. He was watching a figure moving on the beach on the other side of the lake. From this distance he couldn’t make out any features. 

“I’m just saying, that perhaps details like that should be included in the mission briefs,” Tonks complained. 

Remus looked away from the figure on the dark shore to address her, “Do you want to borrow my coat for a while? I’m actually almost too warm.”

She bit her lip. “If you really don’t mind.”

He pulled his coat off and handed it to her. She took it and hurriedly put it on. “Better?” he asked.

She nodded and smiled. 

They continued on in silence, tracing the path of their patrol for what Remus guessed to be the twentieth time that day. They were in an isolated hamlet far to the north, keeping an eye on an old wizard scholar. Dumbledore had sent them instructions through Mundungus requesting for them to stay over the long weekend, as he had reason to believe that the Dark Lord would be sending some Death Eaters to pay an unwelcome visit to the old sage. Though why, Remus hadn’t a clue. He had looked up the wizard in question before their trip and found that he was a foremost scholar on wizarding folklore, particularly the fable of the Deathly Hallows. He could not think of a reason that Voldemort would be interested in such an old legend, especially enough to send his followers this far north to bother an old man. 

“Hey. I’m pretty sure someone just apparated over there,” Tonks stated, motioning across the lake with a tilt of her head, to avoid pointing. 

Remus glanced over just in time to see a third figure join the one he’d saw earlier and the one Tonks had just pointed out. “More than one it seems. There are three over there now.” 

“Shit, three for one old man?” She replied, doing a slow twirl to get a good look at the far shore. “Not good. Now there are four.” 

“It might not be Death Eaters,” Remus said, half heartedly. It seemed a stretch to assume that four random magical persons would convene right outside this very town all at once for any other purpose. “We should probably find a hiding place with an advantage though. Just in case.” 

Tonks nodded and slipped her hand into his. He looked down startled. “Act natural Remus. We want to look like they are the last thing on our minds,” she replied without a hint of teasing. “Let’s head back the way we just came. It’ll put us closer to the old man’s house and I think I remember a thicket between the lake path and the buildings.” She let out a giggle and stood on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek. “Play along,” she whispered urgently into his ear. 

He pulled her into a lingering embrace, using the moment to get another look at the group across the lake. He rested his cheek against hers to whisper, “Still four, moving this way.” 

She broke their embrace and began leading him back toward the village urgently, giggling again. She kept her steps light and springy despite the pressing pace. Remus attempted to copy her carefree air and keep an eye on the party on the far side of the lake. He couldn’t tell if they were paying any attention to him and Tonks. 

They covered the distance to the thicket before the others had made it even halfway across the lake, but it was obvious they were making their way to the village. Tonks released Remus’ hand and slipped between the trees, taking her wand out. Remus followed after her, pulling out his own wand as well. “Bad luck with four,” she whispered. “Why send four?” 

Remus remained silent, thinking hard about a strategy that would even the odds and expose them to the least amount of danger. “If we intercept them here before they get any closer to the village, we could stun two of them before they know what is happening…”

“That’s assuming they don’t know we are here. If they sent four they may be anticipating some kind of resistance,” Tonks replied. 

“If it gets too dangerous we’ll have to apparate out and regroup,” Remus reminded her. “We can’t be expected to take on so many and avoid the muggles with just the two of us.” 

Tonks nodded and took a defensive position to wait. They stood in the shadows of the trees in silent anticipation for what must have been nearly half an hour. Finally Tonks whispered, “Where the hell are they? They should have passed by by now.” 

“I’ll edge around the thicket and see if I can spot them. You stay here in case they pass by,” Remus answered. Tonks nodded her consent. 

Remus carefully made his way to the other side of the small grove. He weaved between the trees, keeping to the shadows, straining his ears and eyes for indications of the Death Eaters. 

“The Dark Lord suspects Dumbledore would have sent some of his lackies to check up on us.” Remus heard a deep, gravelly voice say. “So we aren’t moving on to the old man until we find them.” Judging by the volume they must be just on the other side of the line of thick bushes. Remus crept forward, searching for an opening in the shrubbery. 

“Stupefy,” called a cold, stoney voice from somewhere behind him. “Got him,” it called out as Remus felt the spell hit him in the back. He experienced the terror of an uncontrolled free fall as he fell forward and smashed his face into a stump. He had the brief thought that he hoped Tonks had enough sense to apparate away before he lost consciousness.

\----------------- 

Remus was overwhelmed with the disorienting rush of sensory input that accompanied the breaking of a stunner curse. He blinked and took a deep breath to steady himself. Then tried to take in his surroundings. He could feel rough bindings around his wrists which were tied behind his back. He had no idea where his wand might be. 

“No idea how many there are. Got to be at least two more judging from the angles of the curses. They knocked Taylor into the lake with a stunner but I didn’t have time to go fish him out,” said a voice Remus didn’t recognize. Remus had no idea how long he’d been out. Long enough for the spell to wear off on its own since none of the Death Eaters were currently paying him any mind. Long enough for Tonks to get away, and to have come back with back up, he hoped. 

“Well he’s dead by now then,” said the same cold voice that had cast the stunning spell that had hit Remus. They were inside a house now. The sun had set Remus surmised, as only darkness could be seen out the window. He couldn’t tell if they were on the ground floor or up higher. There was a door along the far wall and another on the wall to his left. 

“We’ve got more pressing matters.” That was the deep gravelly voice. “We need to find out how many of them are out there and eliminate them. The Dark Lord only needs one for questioning, the rest are expendable. But we also need the old man in the village.” 

“Why don’t we ask him then?” said the man with the cold voice. Remus realized both that he had noticed Remus was awake and that Remus recognized him. He couldn’t remember his first name but his surname was Avery, he’d been at Hogwarts at the same time as Remus. Judging by the look on his face, Avery also recognized Remus. 

The man with the deep voice turned to glare at Remus as well. He was tall, with dark hair and dark eyes. He raised his wand and aimed it at Remus. “Well, how many of you are there?”

“Hundreds,” Remus replied with as much confidence as he could manage. “Thousands, even.”

“I don’t need much cause to hurt you. The Dark Lord only wants you alive and sane. Those are my only limits,” the Death Eater replied. 

Avery stepped up, “That’s Dumbledore’s pet werewolf. He’s always been a bit high on himself for being a half breed mongrel.”

“The one Potter sicced on Severus?” the third man asked.

“Yes the same. Aren’t these scum of Dumbledore’s such hypocrites? Willing to set a beast on one of us without a second thought because we hold to our traditional values, but then pride themselves on their own honor because they are above killing. It disgusts me. We’ll have to loosen his lips before we get anything useful out of him.” He jabbed his wand violently at Remus crying, “Crucio!”

Remus let out a howl like scream as he felt every nerve in his body burst into flame. It felt like an eternity had passed before Avery finally released the spell.

“Did you like that? Or do you want to talk now?” he asked Remus, who was laying on the floor trembling. 

“I don’t know,” Remus panted from the floor. 

“I don’t believe you,” Avery replied lifting his wand again.

But the dark haired man stopped him. “I think this is entirely too civilized for one like him.” He looked down on Remus with disgust. “Clarke, why don’t you have some fun?” he asked turning to the third man, who smiled back sadistically. 

Clarke moved forward, producing a large silver knife from somewhere in his robes. 

“You want to tell us how many of your friends are out there?” Avery asked again as Clarke pressed the tip of the knife to Remus’ cheek. 

“Twenty,” Remus replied, spouting out the first number that popped into his head. They would have to do much worse to him before he ever considered giving up Tonks. He hoped truly that it was not just her still out there. 

“Doubtful,” Avery replied with anger. 

Clarke slashed Remus across the face from just under his eye down to his lip. He let out an involuntary scream, though the pain of the knife was much less than what the Cruciatus curse had been. The Death Eaters probably believed that old wives tale about silver being poison to a werewolf. In reality it wasn’t any worse than a normal blade. Not that having his face slashed open hadn’t hurt. 

“Well try again,” Avery stated. Clarke ripped open the front of Remus’ shirt to expose his chest and poised the blade above his heart. Remus braced himself for more pain but knew that they would not disobey their master by killing him. 

“I already told you I don’t know.” Clarke did not wait for Avery’s command this time. He dug the knife into Remus skin and dragged a slow jagged line across his chest. Remus screamed and thrashed in pain as he felt the blood welling and then running down his chest from the wound. Clarke was watching his reaction with a look of exquisite joy, when the window was suddenly blasted into hundreds of pieces. The Death Eaters scrambled out of the way of the glass shards readying their wands. 

Remus saw the red bolts of a couple of stunning spells fly through the window. One hit Avery full in the face and he fell over backwards onto the floor, dropping his wand. Remus scooted forward as best he could with his hands still tied behind his back to reach for the wand with his feet. 

The other two Death Eaters had ran to the window, wands extended, shooting out curses into the dark night. Abruptly the door at the far side of the room burst into ribbons of wooden twigs and someone rolled under the destruction, spring to their feet in the middle of the room, firing off another stun spell. The dark haired Death Eater went limp and fell into Clarke knocking him off balance but not before he had fired off a spell of his own. The figure in the middle of the room countered the spell with a perfectly timed Protego and taking advantage of Clarke’s momentary distraction, sent another stunner straight at his chest. 

Remus realized once the chaos of the room settled that the figure in the middle of the room was in fact Tonks. She was breathing heavily but paused only a moment before methodically approaching each of the Death Eaters to bind them with the incarcerous spell. She searched each of their pockets until she finally found Remus’ wand in the robes of the dark haired Death Eater. Only then did she turn to face Remus, her eyes full of fear, as if she was unsure what she would find. 

“Wotcher, Tonks,” Remus said with a weak smile. 

She smiled back with tears in her eyes. “Remus you are bleeding!” 

“Yes. But first can you untie me?” he asked motioning behind his back with his head. 

She rushed around him to cut the bindings with a slash of her wand. “We’ve got to go. With that much noise and magic the Ministry will be here any minute to find out what the hell happened. Can you walk?” 

Remus struggled to his feet, “Yes I think so.” 

Tonks handed him his wand. “Can you apparate?” 

“Not - sure,” he replied, leaning forward with his hands on his knees. He had started to feel dizzy when he stood up. 

“Just hold on to me. I’ll get us both out,” she said pulling him flush against her despite the fact he was still bleeding. He didn’t have a chance to protest before he felt the sickeningly familiar squeeze of apparition. Half a heart beat later they were on the street in front of Grimmauld Place. Tonks let go of him, stumbling backward toward the door. Remus bent over and retched. 

“I’m sorry,” she panted as she hit the doorbell and slumped to the ground. “It was really far to move both of us.”

Remus wiped his mouth and staggered over to join her on the door steps. “You were brilliant,” he reassured her patting her on the knee. “Saved my life.” 

The door opened above them while Sirius barked out, “Whatever it is better be damn important to ring the doorbell,” over the sound of his mother’s portrait shrieking. Then he gasped, taking in the sight of Remus, still bleeding on the steps and Tonks half conscious leaning on the railing for support. 

She jumped to her feet and grabbed one of Remus’ arms pulling it around her shoulder for support. “Help me get him inside,” she commanded Sirius, her voice more serious than either of them had ever heard it. Sirius hurried to comply and together they carried Remus inside, slamming the door shut behind them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Non Detailed Summary: Remus is of course captured by the Death Eaters and then tortured. It is clear that they knew that Order members would be there but were unsure of how many. They questioned Remus about how many people were with him. One of the Death Eaters had been stunned and fell into the lake where his associates allowed him to drown because they were unsure of how many Order members were present. In the middle of this questioning, Tonks makes a pretty extraordinary single handed rescue of Remus. She manages to use surprise to take out the 3 remaining Death Eaters and even ties them up to leave them for the Ministry then apparates back to Grimmauld Place with an injured Remus where Sirius finds them on the front steps.


	25. Chapter 25

“What the hell happened to you?” Sirius asked as he and Tonks assisted Remus down the hallway and into the lounge. 

“Remus will explain. I’ve got to try and contact Kingsley,” Tonks replied as they set Remus down on the sofa. She gave Remus a look of deep concern before she abruptly swept out of the room toward the kitchen.

Sirius was looking over Remus’ chest, tracing the length of the cut with his eyes. Remus slumped back against the couch and closed his own eyes. Every inch of his body ached, as if he been ran over by a Muggle car or perhaps struck by lightning. He knew he should get up to take care of his wounds, especially the one on his chest which he could feel was still oozing blood. But at the moment he was experiencing a bewildering combination of utter exhaustion and panicked racing thoughts that seemed to make the room appear to be twirling. The whole ordeal of being captured, tortured and rescued had happened in what felt like less than an hour since he had been stunned for most of it. He was struggling to keep pace.

“Remus,” Sirius whispered. Then louder, “Remus!”

“I’m okay,” he replied. He opened his eyes to reassure Sirius. 

“You don’t look okay,” he replied. “You are still bleeding.” Sirius sat down next to him. Gently he moved the ragged remnants of Remus’ shirt to get a better look at the injury. He pointed his wand at the cut and recited a healing incantation. Remus felt the skin knitting itself back together. The sensation burned, then itched as Sirius traced the incision from top to bottom and then bottom to top. He let out a low hiss. “Sorry,” Sirius replied in response.

When he was done he performed the same spell on the cut on Remus’ face, leaning in close to concentrate. Remus clenched his fists in an attempt to stay still. “These weren’t done by a spell,” Sirius observed.

“Knife,” Remus croaked in response.

Sirius leaned back to observe Remus’ expression. “A knife? Are you going to tell me what happened and why Tonks needed to get a hold of Kingsley immediately?”

Remus closed his eyes again and reached out to grasp Sirius hand. Sirius held his hand securely and moved closer to comfort him. “It was an ambush. Four of them. Knew we were there.” It was difficult to speak through the pain and disorientation. Sirius pulled Remus into his arms, holding him lightly. 

“They tortured him,” Tonks was in the doorway again. Her face looked sunken and hollow. Remus noticed she was still wearing his coat, but the front of it was covered in his own blood and the left arm had a large hole where Tonks seemed to have been burnt by an errant spell judging by the singe marks. “I heard him screaming.” She walked across the room to face them, holding out a small blue bottle. 

Sirius took it, examined it for a moment then took out the stopper and offered it to Remus. Remus didn’t bother to even look at it before downing the whole thing and letting the empty bottle fall to the floor. 

Tonks took a seat on the couch next to Remus. She sat gingerly on the edge of it with her face in her hands. They all sat in silence for a long moment, Sirius watching Tonks waiting for more details and Remus curled against Sirius with his eyes half closed, breathing heavily. Finally she broke the silence. “I thought they were going to kill you,” her voice was barely above a whisper. She began to shake. “I thought--” but even as she started to speak again she had began to sob. 

Remus’ eyes widened and he sat up to look at her. She looked back through her tears. Suddenly she rushed forward throwing her arms around him, and pulling him into a tight embrace. She cried on to his chest, shaking and trembling. Remus awkwardly patted her on the back while Sirius readjusted so that he was still able to touch Remus to comfort him but Tonks had enough room to also hug him without hitting Sirius in the face. 

Tonks continued in vain to try to explain what had happened but only seemed to manage to get a word or two in before succumbing to more tears. Remus gave up on patting her back and simply held her while she sobbed. Sirius moved again so that he was able to put an arm around each of them in order to comfort them both. This gesture only seemed to make Tonks cry harder. 

Remus tried to soothe her by repeating combinations of, “I’m fine. I’m right here. It’s okay. We are home.” 

Finally after several minutes Tonks was able to regain enough composure to speak again. She sat up and moved back from them swiftly as if she was startled to have found herself so close to them both. “I’m so sorry,” her embarrassment was palpable even through her hoarse voice. “I didn’t mean to make a scene.”

Remus reached out and squeezed her hand, “Nothing to be ashamed of. We just went through something quite traumatic. And I’m not about to complain. If it weren’t for you I wouldn’t be here.” 

“Now that we’ve gotten the horrible blood and tears part over with, can someone please tell me what the hell is going on?” Sirius replied. Though he couldn’t resist making a smart comment, his tone was much milder than usual.

Remus was starting to feel more stable and the potion had lessened the pain considerably. “We were ambushed by four Death Eaters who seemed quite aware that there would be some Order members in the area. One of them caught me off guard and stunned me. I don’t really know what happened after that but when I woke up we were in a building. They questioned and tortured me and then Tonks showed up and saved me.”

Sirius gave Tonks an impressed look, “All four by yourself?”

Tonks blushed and nodded, “Well I managed to stun one earlier and he fell in the lake so there were only three by then.” 

“Still highly impressive,” Sirius replied. Tonks gave him a small smile. He turned to Remus. “But they used a knife?”

“They used the unforgivable first. Then they switched to a silver blade. They probably thought the silver would hurt worse for me. All that bollocks about silver being poison to a werewolf. Trust me the knife hurt a lot less the Cruciatus.” He gave an involuntary shutter. 

“They knew you were a werewolf?” Sirius asked.

“Yes. Avery was with them and he remembered me from Hogwarts.” Remus replied. He noticed Tonks was frowning deeply. “Are you alright?” he asked her.

“I think he must have drowned. That man who fell in the lake. His friends didn’t come back for him,” she stated. Her voice sounded strained.

“Good riddance,” Sirius cheered. 

Tonks turned to look at him solemnly. “I have never killed anyone before.” Remus reached for her hand again and she looked at him with a sort of desperation in her eyes. 

“You’re and Auror. It was bound to happen at some point, especially with the Death Eaters running about again. And if it was him for Remus, I’d have killed him a hundred times,” Sirius assured her. 

She squeezed Remus hand and he squeezed hers back in reassurance “His comrades should have pulled him out. They killed him as much as you did.”

She looked away. “It just seemed so inconsequential at the time. He was in the way and they were going to hurt you or worse. I didn’t even think about him drowning until now.”

“That’s what they reduce us to,” Sirius replied bitterly. “They make us do these terrible things because they don’t care about who they harm. Enjoy it even. Makes me sick. They wouldn’t shed a tear or even spare a thought over killing one of us Tonks. Don’t condemn yourself over one of them.”

“We should inform Dumbledore about this,” Remus replied. He didn’t have the energy to pursue their current line of discussion any further at the moment. 

Tonks turned to him. “I explained the whole thing to Kingsley. I hoped he’d be able to take care of the clean up so there wouldn’t be too many questions about what happened. He’s going to update Dumbledore on the whole mess once he’s done.” 

Remus nodded. He realized he was still holding Tonks hand in his own and released it. 

Tonks reclined back into the couch next to him. “I don’t know what to do now,” she confessed. “I don’t want to be alone tonight. Not after-- everything that’s happened tonight.”

“Stay the night again then,” Sirius replied. “You both look like hell. You probably should get some sleep.” 

“Do you need one of us to take care of that?” Remus asked pointing at the burn mark on her arm.

“Oh. Probably should.” She peeled off Remus battered coat. “Sorry about your coat,” she said as she folded and laid it on the back of the couch. She paused and looked at the two of them sheepishly. “I, err, I’m only wearing a bra under my jumper.”

Remus blushed scarlet and Sirius replied, “It’s nothing we haven’t seen before Tonks.”

“If you don’t mind then,” she replied, a touch of pink was visible on her cheeks under the puffy bags beneath her eyes. She pulled her sweater over her head to reveal a lacy black bra and turned so her injured arm was facing Sirius. 

“Nice,” he teased with a short whistle. Remus swatted him on the side of the head but he just laughed. He pointed his wand at the burn on Tonks’ arm and performed the same healing charm he had on Remus. “All better. I suppose you can put your shirt back on.”

Tonks complied, taking an inordinate amount of time fussing with the sleeves. Finally she turned to face them with her eyes downcast. “Would it be too weird if -- Can I sleep in the same room with you two tonight?” She looked visibly uncomfortable as she waited for them to respond. Remus looked at Sirius but could not discern his expression. “I could sleep on the floor. I just, I don’t think I could sleep by myself,” Tonks rushed to fill the silence. 

Remus continued to watch Sirius, waiting for his reply, feeling certain that he should be the one to decide. Sirius seemed to be scrutinizing Tonks very seriously. She looked as if she were holding her breath. Then Sirius smiled. “We won’t make you sleep on the floor. What’s the point in magic if you can’t make your bed bigger?”

Remus smiled and Tonks laughed. Sirius stood and held out an arm to each of them. “Come on then. I should get you two infirms to bed before you pass out on the couch and I have to levitate you.” They each stood and took one of his arms. “I’m taking the middle though,” he stated matter of factly as he led them to the bedroom.


	26. Chapter 26

Remus awoke to a dull ache in his head. Judging by the light streaming in from the window it was well into the morning. He remained still for a while, attempting to fall back to sleep but even after several hours of slumber, he still felt on edge after the events of the night before. He soon realized that it would be near impossible and gave up on the idea. 

He sat up carefully as to not disturb Sirius, whom he observed with envy, seemed to be having no trouble at all sleeping in. It was then he realized that Tonks had already wakened and left the room. He slipped off the bed and rummaged in his dresser for a new shirt. He idly hoped that Tonks had perhaps started breakfast or at least made coffee. 

His modest dreams of coffee and toast faded when he came across Tonks sitting at the bottom of the stairs. She seemed lost in thought and he made an effort to make some noise as he made his way down the stairs so she wouldn’t be startled when he reached the bottom. She turned to look at him as he approached. 

He noticed she was holding his coat in her lap. As he approached, she held it up to him. “Here is your coat back. I fixed it. Or at least I tired. I’m not the best at cleaning spells so it’s got a bit of a stain on the front still.” 

Remus took the coat and unfolded it to observe her work. “Thank you. You didn’t have to repair it though. It was enough you rescued me,” he smiled warmly at her.

She looked back at him with a pained look. He felt his smile fade as he took a seat next to her on the stair. “Are you- are you alright?” he asked uncertainly. He hoped she wasn’t still dwelling on the drowned Death Eater. 

She stared down at her lap, her hands folded neatly in front of her, “I know it all turned out alright but it was stupid of me to try to save you all by myself. Any Auror would tell you that four on one is courting death. I should have apparated away to find back up.”

Remus was unsure how to respond. Though he was a veteran of quite a few battles, he had never been trained as an Auror. He wasn’t sure how to reassure her or if he should even try. Instead he decided to respond with gratitude. “Well I don’t mind how you did it. Doesn’t change the fact that you saved my skin.”

She looked at him, with what he thought was exasperation, “Remus, I am very good at my job. I don’t choke. Or at least I haven’t before. It was incredibly dumb for me to take on four without even a plan.” She paused and continued to stare. For a second he almost thought she was angry but then her expression shifted to one of sad contemplation. He was close enough to feel her trembling. She looked away and started to explain again, “I just know when I saw them with you… I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. I panicked. I thought they were going to kill you and all I could think was I would never see you smile again, never hear you speak. I felt like the world was ending.”

Remus shifted uncomfortably. She turned to look at him once more, taking his hand in her own. “I felt that if you died, something in me would die too.” She was looking directly into his eyes now. He couldn’t look away; he felt like she was peering straight into the core of his being. 

“Tonks…” he whispered. He wanted her to stop. He could feel where this conversation was going. What she was about to say that once uttered couldn’t be unsaid. He wanted her to stop but he also equally wanted to hear her say it. 

“I’ve never felt this way before. I have never worried about losing someone. Not the way I worry about you.”

He couldn’t speak. He couldn’t breath. He plead with his eyes but not even he was sure if he was pleading for her to continue or to stop. 

“Remus, I love you. I am in love with you.” Her words hung in the air between them, no longer retractable. They had reached the point of no return. 

She continued to watch him, waiting for his response. He was acutely aware that their hands were still entwined. He realized suddenly how often and how easily they had taken each other’s hands over the past few days. When did that start he wondered. He couldn’t remember. His heart was racing. The sound of it was pounding in his ears. She was still waiting for an answer. 

“I’m-- I’m sorry,” he stuttered. He dropped her hands and awkwardly scrambled up the stairs. “I’ve got to-- I’m sorry-- I can’t--” He was babbling. All he could think was that he had to get away. He had to go somewhere else. He couldn’t look at her. He imagined her face was red with anger. 

He reached the top of the stairs and sprinted to an empty room. He needed to be alone, he couldn’t go back to their room where Sirius was still sleeping. He needed to think. He needed space to panic. If he could get the panic out of the way then maybe he could make sense of her words and find some way out of the situation. Some way that nothing had to change. Someway where the three of them could stay close friends, some way the three of them could stay together. 

He was standing in the middle of the room with his face buried in his hands and his back to the door when she found him. He heard her open the door and make a tsking noise at him. He turned to face her. She was observing him from the doorway with her arms crossed. Her face looked determined. “That was not the response I was expecting,” she said sternly. She crossed the room to face him, dropping her arms to her side.

He watched her in silence, still unsure how to respond. Finally she looked away. “Just get it over with. Just crush me. Say you don’t love me.” Her voice was low and quivering. Her face a mask of pain. 

He struggled to find his voice. He stood willing himself to do as she asked but the words wouldn’t come. 

She was staring at him again. He saw her nostrils flair. “What are you waiting for?” she cried out this time in anger. “Just say it. Say you don’t love me so we can move on and forget this whole terrible thing ever happened.” 

She was glaring at him and he could tell she was seconds away from tears. He took a deep breath preparing his rejection, but as he opened his mouth to speak the words he knew he could not say them. He knew, as he had known in the moment that she had confessed, that he couldn’t lie to her. His ungainly flight up the stairs had stemmed from his sudden realization of the truth. That he felt the same way she did and he could no longer deny it. 

Years of his own experiences of bitter rejections and their resulting insecurities would not allow him to lie to her about this. Whatever else must come, he could not lie, “I can’t,” he gasped. 

She looked angry enough to strike him. “What the hell is that suppose to mean?” 

“I can’t lie to you,” he admitted. Her eyes widened in comprehension, or maybe disbelief. Now he was the one unable to stop what had started. “Tonks,” his voice was wild and desperate. “I am in love with you too.” 

She looked at him as if she couldn’t believe what she had heard. She made an odd noise when she tried to speak. 

“But --” he began to explain. 

She jumped forward, gathering him close to her, “No but, not yet. I know what you are going to say. Just let me have this moment.” She hugged him fiercely and he wrapped his arms around her, feeling a sense of relief and joy. He felt he had let go of something very heavy that he had been holding up so long he’d forgotten when he had started to carry it. He pulled back from her to see her face. She was smiling as bright as the sun. He smiled back and kissed her on the forehead. She stood on her tiptoes and kissed him, passionately. He returned the kiss eagerly, holding her close. 

In the back of his mind, he was reminding himself this would be the only time. Part of him was already preparing the words he had meant to say after. The explanation that it didn’t matter that he loved her because he loved Sirius too and had already made his choice. The excuse that he was no good for her anyways. Too old, too poor, too lycanthropic. But all of that was hard to concentrate on with her lips on his own and with the distracting little moans she was making as she pressed into him. His hands wandered, exploring her shape, committing it to memory. She was insistently pushing him back against the wall, her own hands freely roaming determinedly lower. 

“You have got to be fucking kidding me!” the outraged voice of Sirius echoed throughout the room. Tonks’ eyes flew open and she jumped back from Remus. Remus was thankful he was leaning against the wall, otherwise he was sure he would have fallen to the floor. He looked across the room to the doorway where Sirius was standing, staring at the two of them with the blackest look Remus could ever remember seeing on his face. “Un-fucking-believable,” he shouted. 

Tonks was staring wide eyed and bewildered at Sirius. Remus moved toward him, his arm stretching out toward him, “Sirius--”

“No.” He said harshly and turned, rushing out of the room.


	27. Chapter 27

Remus scrambled into the hallway after Sirius, leaving Tonks behind in a daze. The panic was rising in his chest again, accompanied by the familiar feelings of shame, guilt and disgust. Once again he had managed to let his selfish need for affection lead him to another disastrous decision. And now he would lose them both. 

He reached their bedroom door and found it locked. He pounded on it, calling out, “Sirius, please. Please let’s talk.” 

“Fuck off Remus,” Sirius called through the door. 

Remus continued to hammer on the door desperately. “Please!”

“I can’t leave the house so I recommend you leave instead before I finish deciding on which hex to use.”

“I’m not leaving until you talk to me,” Remus cried in response. 

He heard the click of the lock and then the door opened revealing an enraged Sirius. He grabbed Remus by the front of the shirt and pulled him into the room. “You want to talk? Then fucking talk,” he replied in a silky smooth voice that made Remus flinch. He released Remus’s shirt and retreated to the bed. He sat cross legged resting his wand on his knee, pointed in Remus’ direction. 

“I’m sorry,” Remus began, weakly. 

“I don’t fucking forgive you,” Sirius spat back.

Remus cringed. His heart was beating so hard he felt he might faint. “I deserve that.” Sirius only glared in response. “I don’t have an excuse--”

“Cut to the fucking chase Remus. Do what you came to do,” Sirius cut him off. 

“What are you --”

“Just fucking say it. You are going to leave me for her aren't you? I wish you all the fucking happiness,” he said with a fake bow. “I just wished you would have taken the out I gave you months ago instead making me think you fucking cared about me.”

Remus stared at him in horror. Sirius continued his rant, “I suppose you felt sorry for me? I was a pity fuck this whole time? The fall back if she changed her mind? But I suppose you two had a lovely romantic weekend before the Death Eaters showed up to ruin it. Consummated the whole thing?!” his voice was venomous but it could not hide his pain.

“Is that what you really think?” Remus asked dumbfounded. The idea that Sirius believed Remus would stay with him out of pity was nearly inconceivable. It was the same fear Remus had felt about Sirius. Many times he had feared Sirius only felt sorry for him, staying with him out of a combination of pity and a lack of other options. 

“What’s it fucking matter now?” Sirius replied, his voice breaking. 

“Sirius. You are a fucking idiot,” Remus retorted. “I’m not trying to break up with you. I am trying to keep you from leaving me.” Sirius gave him an incredulous look. “I fucked up and I fell in love with someone else because I’m selfish and stupid. But Sirius I have loved you over half my life. I think I’ve loved you since I met you. During school. After school. When you were pining away for James and sleeping with every woman you laid eyes on. Even when you were in Azkaban, I should have hated you. Instead I hated myself for still loving you.” 

Sirius was breathing hard and looked like he might vomit but he didn’t look away as Remus continued, “I can hardly stop now, not now that you are finally mine.” He collapsed on the bed next to Sirius. He held his breath waiting for his reply.

“How am I supposed to believe you?” Sirius whispered, all the anger had ebbed away leaving him sounding confused and mournful. “And what do we do about Tonks then? Am I just suppose to look the other way whenever you feel like snogging her?” 

Remus reached out for his hand. Sirius didn’t stop him. “Of course not. I will ask her to keep her distance. We won’t spend any time alone together. I will tell her I choose you. I always choose you. And I’ll remind you, everyday, that I love you. Until you believe me.” He brought Sirius’ hand to his lips and kissed it. 

“I want to believe you,” he whispered. 

Remus smiled and placed his free hand on Sirius’ cheek. They were interrupted by a knock at the door. 

They looked up to see Tonks standing in the open doorway, her arm braced against the frame for support. “I-I thought it would probably be good for the three of us to talk,” she said, her voice uneven. 

Sirius turned to look in her direction, his face distorted with misery. Remus thought he looked smaller as if his pain had shrunken him. Remus squeezed his hand. 

Tonks tentatively moved into the room but kept her distance from the bed. “Sirius, I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I shouldn’t have--”

“Stop,” Remus interrupted. “Don’t blame yourself Tonks. This is as much my fault for letting things get out of hand. I shouldn’t have kissed you.” 

Sirius dragged his eyes away from Tonks to watch Remus. Tonks was focused on Remus as well. He continued, “I’m selfish and greedy. I’ve spent so much time alone, to know you both want me, you both love me. I couldn’t bare to let either of you go and now I’ve hurt you both. I should be the one apologizing.” He looked at Sirius and then Tonks. “I’m sorry to both of you. I’m sorry I led you on Tonks and Sirius I’m sorry I betrayed your trust. I’m sorry I’ve ruined all of our friendships.”

“No. I did that,” Tonks replied. “I am the stupid one. I shouldn’t have told you how I feel, not when I know how much the two of you love each other.” Tears began to spill down her cheeks. “I feel like scum for it. I tried to come between you even when I love you both so much.” She sniffed loudly. “You are my best friends and I’ve ruined bloody all of it.” She hid her face behind her hands.

Sirius inhaled loudly. “You are making it fucking hard to be pissed at you right now, the both of you.” 

Tonks gave a weak laugh, muffled by her fingers. Remus tried to smile but it looked more like a grimace. 

“Nothing is ruined. At least not forever. You two are the only damn friends I have and I can’t bloody well blame you for being in love with him, I’ve made the same terrible mistake.” He poked Remus rather roughly in the chest. “I can’t believe I’m forgiving the both of you. Fuck.”

Remus smiled truly then and Tonks dropped her hands from her face to grin disbelievingly at Sirius. “But don’t think I’m not pissed at the both of you. We aren’t throwing a party tonight. I’d rather feel better if you left for a while Tonks.”

Tonks nodded, “Of course...”

“And I’m not leaving the two of you alone together, ever. You can figure out how you want to explain that to Dumbledore,” Sirius continued. His usual easy self assured tone returning. Remus shared a brief look of relief with Tonks. “And of course I reserve the right to enact revenge when I see fit. Tonks you owe me a lot of alcohol, expensive alcohol. Remus you are going to have to do unspeakable things to earn back my favor.” 

Remus bowed his head in submission. Tonks had stopped crying and was trying not to laugh in appreciation of Sirius’ demands. 

Sirius got to his feet and guided Tonks to the door with a hand on the small of her back. “I’ll show you out.” Tonks allowed herself to be pushed out of the room in silence. Sirius stopped at the door and turned to address Remus. “I’ll be back to deal with you.” Remus nodded, hoping he didn’t look too pleased with this resolution. Sirius continued down the hall with Tonks, calling out, “And just so we are clear: neither of you are going to live this down. I’ll be bringing it up to shame you for years to come.”

Remus heard Tonks pipe up, “Sirius what happened to no shame amongst friends?” 

“You have witnessed one of the truly rare times I happened to be wrong,” Sirius replied before they reached the stairs and Remus was unable to hear anymore of their conversation. 

Remus laid back on the bed to stare at the ceiling while he waited for Sirius to return.


	28. Chapter 28

Remus had waited patiently for Sirius’ return and whatever punishment awaited him. However when Sirius made his appearance he simply glared at Remus in silence for a long moment, then promptly turned and left the room without a word. Concerned, Remus got up to follow after him. 

Sirius led him to the library, where he grabbed a random book, slumped onto the couch and pretended to read it. Remus grabbed an old spell book he’d been thumbing through a few night before he had left on the mission with Tonks and took a seat next to Sirius. Sirius promptly got to his feet and moved to an armchair instead, refusing to look at Remus. 

Remus set his book down on the sofa beside him. He sighed and stared over at Sirius who was doing a terrible job of pretending to enjoy the dusty tome he had in front of him. Remus happened to know that it was a very dry text about Latin root words used in regional spell variations, something Sirius Black would never under any circumstances read, let alone enjoy. 

“Sirius?” he tried.

Sirius acted as if he had heard nothing. 

“The silent treatment?” Remus asked. Sirius made a show of turning a page. “Seriously?” Remus asked intentionally trying to provoke a pun based response. He thought he saw Sirius’ lips twitch into a shadow of a smile, but it elicited no verbal response. 

Remus chewed on his bottom lip and watched Sirius feign reading in silence for several minutes, thinking if he just waited Sirius would break his silence. “You know this punishes you just as much as me,” he pointed out after watching Sirius turn the tenth page. 

Sirius paused and looked pointedly at the wall behind Remus’ shoulder. Then he shifted in his chair so that his his legs were hanging over the armrest before returning to the book. 

Remus decided to try another tactic. “Personally I don’t think you’ll be able to keep up this method for very long,” he said leaning forward and resting his chin on his hand. He watched for a response but Sirius continued to fixate on the page in front of him as if he were alone in the room. 

Remus got up and crossed the room to stand next to the armchair. He peered over Sirius’ shoulder to peek at the page. “I was unaware you could read Latin.” Sirius ignored this interruption. Remus leaned down until his mouth was right next to Sirius’ ear and whispered in his best attempt at a seductive voice, “I can think of much better ways for you to punish me.”

Sirius bolted upright, dropping his book to the floor. Remus took a step back when he saw the anger in his eyes. He was starting to worry that Sirius wasn’t just messing around but was still very much irate. He was suddenly reminded of the one and only time Sirius and James had a real falling out. In their seventh year, right after James had started dating Lily, they had gotten in a stupid fight (Remus couldn’t even remember what it was about, he doubted Sirius remembered either) and Sirius had pretended James did not exist for three solid weeks. Horrified, he tried to imagine three weeks in Grimmauld Place with Sirius refusing to speak a word. 

“Sirius, look, I’m really sorry. For everything, but this is silly. If you want me to leave you alone why don’t you just say so?” Remus replied, trying to sound mature and logical instead of panicked and desperate. 

Instead of replying, Sirius turned his back to Remus. He bent down and picked up book and set it on the table. Remus heard him sigh before he snapped his fingers and called out, “Kreacher!”

There was a dull cracking sound and the ancient house elf appeared in the middle of the room. He gave a bow that was barely a tilt of the head and addressed Sirius, “Kreacher is pleased to be of use to his master.” Under his breath he mumbled some insult about Sirius being a blighted shame on the good Black family name. 

Sirius looked at the house elf with deep disgust. “Escort Mr. Lupin to another room. One on the other side of the house.”

Kreacher gave Remus a cursory look filled with loathing. “Yes Master. Kreacher would be pleased to sir.” He waddled towards Remus, ushering toward the door with an awkward waving motion. “This way Mr. Lupin.” Then in a quieter voice, “Master is getting rid of his nasty half breed. Mistress will be pleased. He stinks up the place like an animal.” Kreacher sniffed loudly at Remus as if to emphasize his point. 

Remus looked over his shoulder at Sirius who was avidly avoiding his gaze. 

Kreacher marched Remus through the house and into the kitchen. “Master said leave the half breed on the other side of the house.” Remus was unsure if he was being addressed directly or if the elf was speaking to himself. There was another pop and Kreacher was gone. 

Remus stood in the empty kitchen at a loss for what to do. Sirius must have been beyond angry with him to warrant interacting with Kreacher, whom he avoided like the plague whenever possible. Still he had not asked Kreacher to escort him out the front door so that was something at least. He sighed and went to grab a kettle to make some tea. It was going to be a long week.

Remus sat at the table drinking tea for as long as he could stand for lack of anything else to do. He thought of going out of the house for a while but he couldn’t go visit with Tonks and he didn’t have any other friends he could drop in on without an invitation. Besides the thought of explaining his current situation to Molly or Arthur was out of the question and he was hard pressed to think of anyone else in the Order that he had ever had a conversation with about something other than work that lasted more than five minutes. 

If he left the house Sirius might take it the wrong way, anyways. He resigned himself to settling in for the long run, surrendering to Sirius’ silent brand of revenge. When he could no longer endure sitting alone at the table, pretending to drink more tea, he decided to sneak up to their room and grab one of his many books and a set of clothing and maybe a pillow. He’d set up in one of the spare rooms to appease Sirius, even though their room had originally been his room. He hoped Sirius would appreciate the gesture but he wouldn’t hold his breath. 

When he got to their room, Sirius was lying on the bed. He sat up at the sound of the door opening. Remus paused mid step and considered turning around and leaving but Sirius stopped him by saying, “There you are,” as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened at all. “Just got this a while ago,” he said holding up a scarlet feather and a sheet of parchment. “Looks like we are having a meeting tonight. Everyone who is available on short notice.” He handed the parchment to Remus.

“I was going to tell you about this earlier but well I got distracted when I found you and Tonks about thirty seconds away from shagging.” Remus cringed at his comment. “Harry and his friends have been up to some illicit extra curriculars. They are starting their own Defense Against Dark Arts class since Umbridge is refusing to teach them anything. I was trying to talk them through it but she almost caught me in the fire.”

“She what? When did this happen?” Remus asked dumbfounded. 

“While you and Tonks were out on that mission. When you showed up bleeding on the doorstep in the middle of the night I forgot all about it. Anyways, Dumbledore wants to meet to discuss it and the ambush that you and Tonks encountered.”

“What time?” Remus asked.

“Late. The members at Hogwarts won’t be able to get away until after the students are in bed,” Sirius replied casually. He strode across the room, passing Remus without touching him. “I’m still not talking to you by the way. Special exception for Order business. Lest you brand me immature.” 

Remus turned to plead with him but he was already gone down the hall.


	29. Chapter 29

Remus spent a long, arduous afternoon alone, trying not to dwell on the fact that he may be spending the next few weeks in such a state. He did his best to distract himself, taking a lengthy shower then returning to the spare bedroom to his favorite old standby of reading, but even books couldn’t keep his mind from wandering back to Sirius and Tonks and his own guilt and shame over the events of the morning. 

The most frustrating thing was that Remus use to be, up until very recently, very good at being alone. He’d spent most of his life that way after all. While no stranger to loneliness, he was usually able to keep such feelings at bay by reading and studying. Pity and loneliness were rare indulgences for him, reserved for the days after particularly bad full moons and Halloween night. But now he seemed unable to keep the feelings of loneliness at bay. Each time he turned a page his mind inevitably shifted back to the two of them. They had been his near constant companions for the past month and to be unable to talk with either of them left him feeling empty and anxious. 

Somehow he managed to pass several unpleasant hours alone until he began hearing the first distant knocks on the front door that signified the arrival of the other Order members. He decided to wait a while longer before heading down stairs in order to give Sirius the space to play host without him. Finally after he had lost track of number of times the door had been opened and closed he decided it was time that he head down to join the meeting. 

When he reached the front hall, a few Order members were milling about meandering towards the kitchen, most of them chatting animatedly. He noticed Tonks standing to the side of the hall by herself. She seemed to be trying to work up the courage to enter the kitchen. Her face was drawn and her hair was its natural dull brown rather than her usual vibrant pink. Remus had the impression that she had also spent a very unpleasant afternoon alone with her thoughts. 

“Are you alright?” he asked her quietly once he was close enough. 

She gave him a waned smile, “Not particularly. I feel pretty awful actually.”

Remus fought an impulse to put his hand on her arm. He wasn’t sure what to say, torn between a need to comfort her and the thought of Sirius’ face if he were to see them touching again.

Before he could muster a response, Molly’s shrill voice echoed down the hallway, “I just think it’s a bad idea, that’s all.” She was walking beside Bill who was carrying an armful of parchments and was wearing a look that made it clear he’d really rather be anywhere else at the moment. 

“So you’ve mentioned before, Mum,” Bill replied coolly.

Molly noticed Remus and Tonks standing outside the door and turned to Tonks hopefully. “Tonks, dear can you help Bill with these parchments please?”

Tonks looked to Bill questioningly. He sighed. “I’m fine Tonks.” He turned to his mother, “I’m dating Fleur and you’ll just have to get use to it. It doesn’t matter how many women you try to throw in front of me Mother.” He gave Remus and Tonks an apologetic look. “Besides Tonks is already spoken for.” He left his mother gaping wide eyed in the hallway as he swept into the kitchen.

Molly looked at Remus and Tonks as if she were suddenly seeing them for the first time. “Oh,” she said. 

Remus and Tonks shared a quick, horrified glance. Remus moaned internally, the last thing he need was Molly jumping to the wrong conclusion.

“Oh. I’m terribly sorry. I didn’t realize. I thought Remus was… Well I guess it does make sense,” she smiled at them brightly. “You wouldn’t exactly be broadcasting it, what with Tonks being and Auror and all.” She patted each of them on the arm and smiled warmly. “But I am so happy for you both. And don’t worry the Ministry will come around eventually and when they do well, then our lot will be making the rules then! Nothing wrong with the two of you being together. Absolutely nothing! Someday the world will see it Remus!”

Tonks’ face was blank as if she couldn’t quite believe what was happening and her brain had lost the ability to process it. Remus was babbling incoherently, trying to correct Molly about the nature of their relationship while struggling to respond to her well meaning but awkwardly timed show of support for werewolf rights. 

While Remus was attempting to string together an intelligible response, Minerva McGonagall, who had miraculously been passing by just at that very moment, seemed to have overheard Molly’s speech and Remus’ distressing attempt to resolve the situation. 

She swooped in to masterly redirect Molly. “Oh! Molly, dear! Just the woman I was hoping to see,” she gave a curt little nod to Remus, although her eyes stayed on Molly. “I need your advice about a stain removing charm. I recently broke a bottle of enchanted ink and I’m having trouble finding the right incantation to get it all out of the carpet.” She skillfully wrapped an arm around Molly, ushering her into the kitchen and leaving Remus and Tonks alone in the hall while Molly launched into an enthusiastic monologue about the finer points of her favorite cleaning spells. 

Remus let out a breath and Tonks declared, “I think I may love her.” 

Remus smiled admiringly after Minerva. “She has always been my favorite professor.”

“Sprout tried to trade me to her in my fifth year, you know. She was adamant that the Hat made a mistake and that no one with my talent for tricks and trouble could possibly be in Hufflepuff,” Tonks replied. “McGonagall said I’d make an excellent Gryffindor but that I valued kindness and hard work above bravery. Convinced Sprout I just need a little redirection.”

Remus looked at her thoughtfully, “She was right you know. You do value kindness above bravery. That’s what makes you so good at your job.” 

Tonks smiled shyly at him and ran her hand through her hair, leaving just a streak of pink among the brown strands. Remus blushed and looked down at his feet. She looked away quickly, and changed the subject, “So, how’s Sirius?”

“He’s not talking to me. Not that I blame him,” Remus replied.

Tonks shifted uncomfortably. “I’m sure he’ll come around.”

Remus nodded. His chest felt uncomfortably tight. 

Tonks gave him a sad look. “We are okay though, right? I know I went too far this morning and I probably shouldn’t have said…”

Remus silenced her with a glance. “No don’t. It’s better that we got it all out in the open. I should have handled it better, but well now we don’t have to dance around the subject anymore.”

She looked up at him, hopefully. “I- I don’t expect anything. I mean, I know you two are - I just want you to know I don’t want to come between the two of you.”

“I know.” He watched her for a long moment, then smiled sadly, “We’ll be okay.” 

She moved as if to embrace him, but then stopped herself, awkwardly running her hand through her hair again instead. “We should probably go in. They’ve probably already started.”

Remus opened the door and Tonks slipped past him, into the kitchen. Although the meeting had been called on short notice, it seemed nearly the entire Order was present. It looked as if Sirius had hastily summoned nearly every table and chair in the house to accommodate everyone. Even so, by the time the two of them squeezed into the room there were only two seats left in the far corner of the room at the ricketiest of the spare tables. 

The meeting was already in full swing, as Remus followed Tonks to the back of the room. He secretly hoped that Sirius was too distracted to notice he had arrived late and at the same time as Tonks. 

Tonks took a seat next to Mundungus, who had already managed to fall asleep and was laying with his arms sprawled out on the table. Tonks gave him a look of revulsion. Remus took the seat next to her, trying to be as quiet as possible. He also tried to ignore that the cramped space left little room between himself and Tonks, who was nervously jiggling her leg. 

Though he was aware that the meeting had started, he had not been paying much attention to the voices in the room but as they settled into their seats he heard Sirius’ voice cut through the chatter, “I’m just expressing concern about how the Death Eaters knew to ambush them. Seems quite convenient for them to have just made a guess. Seems to me that you are the most likely conduit for that information, Snape.” Remus could tell by the timbre of his voice that he was holding back his anger in an attempt to be civil. 

Snape was seated at the head table, alongside Dumbledore, Moody, Minerva, and Kingsley. He was staring down at Sirius, coldly. When he replied, his voice was reminiscent of ice. “Perhaps you are unaware Black, being so far removed from society and the news, that there is an explanation for this. The Death Eaters have captured Podmore. Before he was sent back to the Ministry under the imperius curse, he was tortured for information.”

It was clear that all eyes (excepting Mundungus who was still fast asleep) were on either Snape or Sirius. All the ambient noise from the various side conversations had quickly fallen away. The entire Order seemed to be holding their breath, anxiously awaiting the next response. The subject of Snape’s loyalty was a hotly debated subject amongst the Order when Dumbledore was not around. Half of the Order seemed content to take Dumbledore’s word on the matter and the other half openly questioned the decision to allow Snape full access to meetings and plans, Sirius and Moody chief among them. The topic of Remus and Tonks’ recent ambush seemed to have set the tension ablaze. 

“How convenient for you. I suppose we will just have to take your word on that since as usual we don’t have any other proof?” Sirius replied hotly. 

Snape sneered at Sirius, but before he could form a response Dumbledore intervened, “Your concern has been noted Sirius. But in the interest of saving us all some time, I will assure you that Podmore did have knowledge that we were guarding the particular asset in question. The unfortunate incident was the result of my lack of foresight. I should have of course sent more than two members for that particular patrol when I realized Podmore had been compromised.” Dumbledore looked past Sirius to the back of the room at Remus and Tonks. He inclined his head in a bow, “I do apologize.” 

Tonks beamed up at the old man and returned his bow. Remus watched her reaction then hastily responded in kind. He looked over to observe Sirius’ reaction. He was sitting with his arms crossed and his jaw set, glaring at Snape. He seemed to sense Remus stare and for a brief moment their eyes met before Sirius promptly looked away. 

Snape perused the room with an oily smile. Remus had noticed he seemed especially smug whenever Dumbledore interceded on his behalf. That he had also put Sirius in his place in front of the whole Order, must have been the icing on Snape’s bitter cake. While Remus did not share Sirius’ suspicions about Snape’s loyalties, as he had full confidence in Dumbledore’s judgement, and even felt lingering remorse over the way he and the Marauders had treated Snape in their youth, he still found any interaction with the man wholly unpleasant. Similar to Sirius, he could really hold a grudge. 

Dumbledore smiled at the audience serenely for a brief turn then continued on, “Kingsley and I have already made arrangements to relocate that particular asset to a safe location. Now that we have that settled,” Remus could tell from the grimace on Sirius’ face that it was far from settled in his opinion. “As most of you know, the Ministry has been, I suppose you would say, reigning in on Hogwarts this year. Unfortunately they have appointed a less than satisfactory professor for Defense Against the Dark Arts. This has led to some of our more proactive students to take it upon themselves to direct their own learning.”

Looking around the room, Remus saw many different reactions from the crowd. Some people were nodding in agreement, others looked ashen or pale. Bill seemed to be in full support of the notion as he was shaking his head vigorously. His mother however looked quite terrified. Arthur’s sat next to her, his face stony and unreadable. Sirius wore a look of pride. 

“Bet it was our kids,” Tonks whispered proudly to Remus. “Sounds just like Harry, Ron and Hermione.” Remus nodded in agreement, a slight smile on his lips. He thought that the next time he saw Harry he would have to remember to tell him that James would have heartily approved. 

“With the new restrictions on student organizations passed down from the Ministry this does set up a conflict,” Dumbledore continued. “However, after much consideration, Minerva, Severus and myself have decided that we will not interfere with the students’ plan.”

There were several gasps and even one or two small cheers. Molly actually jumped to her feet, “Oh but Dumbledore they could be expelled!”

Dumbledore smiled gently at her. “We have discussed this at length and have plans to monitor the situation and if necessary we will intervene to protect the student’s best interests of course. The horrible truth of the matter is we simply cannot allow the students to go an entire year without training in defense in these dark times.”

At this pronouncement many Order members began to clap and Dedalus Diggle squeaked, “Here! Here!” 

Molly sunk back into her seat with a look of shock as the room erupted in excited and anxious exchanges. Arthur took her hand and patted it lightly. 

Tonks tapped Remus on the shoulder. When he turned to look at her she was smiling. “Can you believe he’s sleeping through all this?” she asked gesturing at Mundungus. 

Remus smiled back. “Do you think we should wake him?”

Tonks made an exaggerated frown, “Merlin no. Not unless you want to switch spots. He get handsy.”

Remus was saved from having to reply by Dumbledore’s booming voice. “If there are further concerns, please feel free to speak with me directly. Now let us get onto the more mundane details of updates and schedules…”

The rest of the meeting passed by in a blur of tedium and tension for Remus. Both the very long emotional ordeal of the past two days and the lingering physical effects of the torture he had endured only the day before were beginning to catch up to him and he was both tired and sore. His lack of focus was further impacted by his heightened awareness of both Sirius’ periodic indecipherable glances in his direction and Tonks’ near constant fidgeting that resulted in her sporadically brushing up against him. 

Just when he began to think he would be unable to bare anymore of it, Dumbledore finally called the meeting to a close. The Order dispersed quickly, for which Remus was most appreciative of. After such a long day he was ready to be alone in the house again with Sirius, even if he was still unwilling to speak to him. 

A few people were queued up next to the fireplace which was now alight with an emerald flame, most were streaming out into the hall. The Weasley’s were assisting Sirius to send the furniture back to their rightful places. Remus got to his feet, lingering in the back of the room unsure if it was better to offer to assist Sirius with the clean up or to stay clear of him so he wouldn’t be forced to speak with Remus for appearances sake. 

He was temporarily distracted by Tonks jabbing Mundungus between the shoulder blades with her wand. “Hey Dung, the meeting is over!” she yelled, giving him another jab. 

He shook awake and took a hurried look around the room. He seemed to be trying to locate where the stabbing pain in his neck was coming from. “That it is,” he grumbled batting half heartedly at Tonks, who danced out of his reach, silently laughing. He looked up at Remus appraisingly. Remus noticed his face was red and splotchy where it had rested so long against the table. “Any chance of an after meeting drink then?” 

“Sorry not tonight. I’m not up for anymore entertaining just now,” Sirius answered, approaching the table. Tonks straightened up, her face suddenly solemn. Remus scanned Sirius’ face nervously. “Come on Mundungus, I’ve got to put this table back,” Sirius said with a flick of his wand in the direction of the table. It began to wobble and rise from the floor.

“Alright then. I’m movin’,” Mundungus replied, shuffling toward the door, the table hovering along after him. When he paused at the door the table gave him a little nudge to his backside. Sirius had a hint of a devious grin. 

Remus watched Mundungus disappear into the hall and realized that the room was now empty besides himself, Sirius and Tonks. Tonks cleared her throat and turned toward the door, “I suppose I should be going too…” she paused as if she were hopeful that one of them might say something or try to stop her. Remus watched her meekly. “Well good night then!” she said with false cheer and a little wave. 

“Good night, Tonks,” Remus replied. 

Sirius took a deep breath. “Good night, Tonks.” She turned to look at him hopefully. “We’ll be seeing you around,” he added and then promptly turned his back and strode off toward the pantry. 

Tonks gave Remus a brief look of joy and a short nod before heading out the door.


	30. Chapter 30

Remus stood in the middle of the kitchen, staring at the door to the hall for several minutes. He wasn’t sure if he was waiting for Sirius to come back. He only knew that in that moment, his feet felt like lead and his eyes were watery. The task of walking across the room seemed insurmountable, the idea of carrying himself up the stairs, impossible. 

He took a deep breath and rubbed his hand across his eyes. It would only become harder the longer he stayed standing alone in the empty room. It was best to just drag himself to the spare room and try to sleep. Perhaps in the morning, Sirius’ silent resolve would soften. 

The short walk up the stairs and down the hall to the spare room was agony. He realized about halfway up the stairs that he had made a mistake in not grabbing one of the spare pain relief potions on his way out of the kitchen but the thought of reclimbing the stairs was unbearable so he forced himself forward. 

The emotional events of the day had distracted him from most of the residual pain from his ordeal with the Death Eaters. He probably should have dosed himself with a potion several hours ago. He hoped sleep would be enough to rid himself of the lingering after effects. Normally the pain faded completely within a day if the victim rested and relaxed. Unfortunately Remus had not been able to do either. 

He reached the spare room and stumbled to the bed. He laid his wand on the bedside table but did not bother to shut the door, extinguish the lights or even remove any of his clothing. He curled on his side, hugging his knees to his chest, hoping sleep would come quickly. His muscles were throbbing and he still felt the heavy weight of his guilt and grief settled in his chest. The image of Sirius’ face when he had walked in to see him with Tonks was haunting him whenever his eyes were closed. 

He rolled onto his back and opened his eyes to study the ceiling. A phantom spasm of pain rippled through him. I deserve it, he thought darkly. Even with the image of his lover’s anguished face so fresh in his memory, he couldn’t help but think of how much he missed her already. He had told them both that he had already made his choice. He knew he loved Sirius. That he had loved Sirius for so long, even when he would have given anything not too. He belonged with Sirius. They had always belonged together. So why couldn’t he let Tonks go?

He laid there alone on the lumpy mattress of one of the dusty spare bedrooms, staring at the peeling plaster, occasionally writhing in pain. He felt tears sliding down the sides of his face, trickling into his hair. He had spent more nights than he cared to count in nearly identical conditions, but never had he felt such emptiness or longing. He could not say which of them he missed more. He felt their absences like physical pits in his chest. They were hollows carved in his heart. 

Only last night the three of them had slept in the same bed, comfortable, safe and warm. He felt his tears redouble as he marveled at how quickly he had managed to destroy that happiness and security. Now he was laying alone, cold and in misery. 

“Are you coming to bed?” 

Remus jolted up to a sitting position. Startled to hear Sirius’ voice so close. He was standing in the doorway, staring at Remus with an annoyed look. “You know I can’t sleep when I’m alone,” he chastised. 

Remus gazed at him with an intense look of relief. Sirius took in his disheveled appearance with concern, “Were you-- Were you crying?” he asked.

Remus lifted his hand to his cheek as if to feel for the tears. “I’m fine,” he whispered. 

Sirius raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms. “You don’t look fucking fine.”

“I thought you weren’t talking to me?” Remus replied. 

Sirius frowned at him but stayed in the doorframe. “You were right. It does punish me too.”

Remus attempted to push himself off the bed into a standing position but fell wincing back to the bed. Sirius rushed forward to help him. “Remus, you are clearly not fine.”

Remus grabbed Sirius’ arm for support and squeezed his eyes shut. “Just some residual pain from the cruciatus. Forgot to take any pain potion today.”

“Prat,” Sirius replied. Gently laying Remus back on the bed. “Just stay there.” He left the room. Remus felt like he might start sobbing again, certain that Sirius must have abandoned him to his own loneliness and stupidity. He waited with bated breath, beyond feeling. 

He did not know how long he laid like that before Sirius returned and pressed a small bottle in his hand. “Here. Drink it.”

Remus grasped Sirius’ hand with both of his own, “You came back for me.” He could tell his voice sounded almost hysterical but he didn’t care. He held Sirius hand tightly, the bottle pressed between their joined hands. 

Sirius pulled his hand free and turned his face away from Remus. “Pull yourself together Moony. You’re being pathetic.”

Remus sat up and wrapped his arms around Sirius, hugging him tightly from behind. “Please don’t leave me alone again,” he whispered pitifully. 

Sirius pulled the bottle out of Remus’ hand and pulled out the stopper. He pushed Remus off of him and held out the vial to him once more. “Drink it.”

Remus took the potion and tipped it back into his mouth. He looked at Sirius desperately. 

Sirius set his jaw. “Lay down then.”

“Are you going to go?”

“Just lay down.”

Remus obeyed, still staring up at Sirius with need. Sirius laid down next to him but didn’t move to touch him. “I guess we’ll sleep in here tonight.”

Remus curled himself around Sirius, whispering, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.” Sirius slipped his wand out of his pocket and extinguished the lights. 

“No. I mean I’m sorry for today, for everything, for--”

“Shut up, Remus,” Sirius barked. 

Remus whimpered, “I just want us to be okay.”

Sirius sighed loudly, then he turned and pulled Remus tight against him, “We’ll be fine.” His voice still rang harshly. 

Remus clung to Sirius and began to sob and shake in his arms. Sirius squeezed him gently. “Really Remus. I forgive you. I even forgive her. And I know I have been... difficult. I even sort of encouraged you to… think about her that way. We’ll work it out some way.”

Remus replied in broken sobs, “When you weren’t talking to me… I felt so alone… I’m always alone but not like that kind of alone. I’m so sorry… I don’t know what to do… Sirius…” he stopped, unable to think of what more to say. He straightened himself and pressed his lips into Sirius’, gripping his arms tightly, pressing into him. All he could feel was need. 

Sirius kissed him back, rigidly but when Remus tried to part his lips with his tongue, he pushed him back, “Stop.”

Remus released him and cringed away, “I’m sorry…”

“Just stop apologizing,” Sirius hissed. After a pause he added less harshly, “I can’t believe I am the one saying this but I think we should probably talk about this instead of just having make up sex.”

Remus nodded but then realized in the dark Sirius probably couldn’t see it. “Sure.”

“Well I don’t know what to say. You are usually the emotionally responsible one!” Sirius snapped when it was clear Remus wasn’t going to say anything else. 

“What do you want me to say?” Remus asked.

“I don’t know. That you won’t touch her again--”

“I won’t!” Remus cut him off.

“I don’t know how to believe you,” Sirius replied. His voice sounded cold and detached. “You told me not to worry before and then this happened.”

Remus scooted closer to Sirius and reached for his hands. “I know. I’m sor--”

“You have got to stop saying that. I know you’re sorry, but I don’t think that’s going to stop you from doing it again.” He was grasping Remus’ hands tightly.

“She caught me off guard. She saved my life last night and I was just trying to comfort her and she said… she told me she is in love with me.” Now that he was speaking he was finding it easier to let the explanation flow. “I ran away from her but she followed me. I was trying to… I don’t know what I was trying to do. Sirius, when she said that I couldn’t lie to her. I told her the truth. I love her too. I was trying to tell her it didn’t matter because I love you more but she kissed me and it’s pathetic but all I could think was all the times I have been rejected and I thought, it’s stupid, but I thought it wouldn’t hurt if I just kissed her once and then I would explain it could never happen again. Saying it out loud makes it sound even more stupid…”

Sirius was silent for a long moment. “You are an idiot.” Remus laughed nervously. “Seriously Remus, that’s way too stupid an excuse for you. You wanted to snog her. I think you wanted to do more than just snog--”

“You are right. I know. I’m disgustingly selfish. I want you both. Sirius, I have spent most of my life alone. I never thought I would ever find someone who was capable of knowing what I really am and still love me. To have found that twice in less than a few months… I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. What I’m suppose to do.” He paused, breathing heavily, aware that Sirius was still grasping his hands tightly. “I don’t… I don’t know how to stop wanting her too,” he admitted in a whisper. 

“That’s why I can’t trust you. Her either. Neither of you know what the fuck you are doing,” Sirius replied with exasperation. “So that’s where we are at. Look I like having her around. It beats the fuck out of being trapped in this house alone and as much as I love you, it’s nice to interact with another person occasionally. But I don’t know how to be comfortable with having her over when I’m worried I’m going to walk in on the two of you shagging any time I leave you alone.”

“It’s not an excuse but she surprised me this time and I think I surprised her too. She thought I was going to reject her completely and then I told her I felt the same way. We got caught up in the moment and we had just been through that ambush just the night before. Neither of us were thinking clearly… Now that we are past that, we can control ourselves...”

Sirius shifted and dropped Remus’ hands and sighed heavily. “I wish I could believe that.” 

Remus remained silent, holding his breath, desperately searching for the right words to say. 

Sirius reached out to pull him closer. He kissed Remus on the forehead and held him close. “Look we don’t need to figure this all out tonight. You need to sleep.”

Remus closed his eyes and nestled his head in the crook of Sirius’ neck. “I love you,” he whispered. 

Sirius squeezed him gingerly. “I know,” he replied. Then quietly, “I love you too.”


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is a bit of an outlier as it is from Tonks' perspective instead of Remus'. It just felt like I needed a scene between Sirius and Tonks to make the next chapter seem more natural. Enjoy!

Tonks reached the steps to Grimmauld Place with a knot in her stomach, chanting a mantra of “do not trip, do not trip, do not trip” under her breath. Sirius had sent her an owl this morning requesting for her to “come and talk”. She knew Remus was out on patrol, due to her stalkerish habit of checking all the Order schedules for his name every morning. She felt better knowing where he was and what kind of danger he was in for the day. She cringed at the thought of this. Four months ago she could hardly keep her own schedule straight, let alone memorize someone else’s. One more example of how disgustingly obsessed she had become. Love did not suit her. 

She absentmindedly reached out to ring the doorbell but managed to stop herself in time and knocked instead. She didn’t need to start things out by waking the shrieking harpy in the portrait. She wanted Sirius in a good mood. She was still holding out hope that Sirius had been right when he said things were not ruined forever and that the resolution of this talk would result in her getting to rejoin the two of them for their nightly routines. She tried not to think about the other possibility, that he had summoned her to ask her to stay away permanently, to perhaps scream at her and call her a homewrecking tart. 

To be fair she probably deserved it. Even in the week and a half that she had been staying away after her poorly timed confession to Remus, she had been fantasizing about that kiss, dreaming up scenes that had skipped over the part where Sirius had interrupted them and imagining far more than actually ever happened. After the first night, when she had cried herself to sleep, she had used that memory for inspiration for a far more pleasant way to relax herself to sleep. She felt she should probably be far more disgusted with herself than she currently was. 

Sirius opened the door. He gave her a scrutinizing look before swinging the door wide and motioning for her to enter. He stayed in the doorway while she squeezed past him. Was that meant to be intimidating? She hadn’t a clue. She was feeling her nerves now and it was making her sloppy. Put her in life threatening physical danger and she can exert extreme control and attention to detail, but with this high stakes emotional situation she was as awkward (and loud) as merperson on land. 

He directed her into the lounge. She was happy to see a bottle of alcohol and two glasses on the table. Perhaps a drink would settle some of the snakes in her stomach. She sat on the sofa and Sirius moved to pour them each a drink. She took it thankfully when he offered it and downed half in one gulp. 

He sat across from her, observing her with that half arrogant, half charming way of his. She felt she must be blinking too much. Should she be talking? He was the one who extended the invitation. She sat her drink down and folded her hands neatly in front of her, waiting. 

Sirius’ mouth twitched into a brief smile. Finally he spoke, “I suppose you are wondering why I asked you here.”

“Well I’ve got a fair idea of what it’s about,” Tonks replied.

“He misses you. Pines for you, one might even say. It’s disgusting really.” Sirius took a sip of his drink. Tonks held her breath. “He hasn’t said it so much in words but I can tell. He just doesn’t want to upset me.” 

He paused. Tonks fidgeted in her seat and resisted the urge to slam back the rest of her drink or perhaps grab the bottle on the table for a more direct source. “I miss you too. I love Remus but he can be such prude and so proper sometimes and he’s terrible to drink with when it’s just the two of us.” 

“I miss you too,” Tonks blurted out. She was leaning forward hanging on his every word, drink forgotten. “Both of you!”

Sirius smiled and set his own drink down. He leaned forward too. “But I don’t know what to do about the two of you. There’s so much sexual tension, if you two don’t shag soon I think one or both of you might lose it completely.” 

Tonks internally profaned whatever source of creation cursed her with an overactive blushing response. Sirius was smirking. “If you come back, it’s only a matter a time before the two of you give into your base urges. You see my problem?” 

Tonks buried her face in her hands to avoid answering the question. She couldn’t deny that about three out of every five of her thoughts recently had involved ripping Remus’ clothes off and she was sure Sirius would see this plain in her face. But it was more than just the sexual attraction. It had long gone past a purely sexual interest. She felt an overwhelming need to be close to Remus, to make him smile and laugh, to make sure he was okay, that he was happy. She worried about him constantly, her hands seemed magnetized to him, and she kept having these stupid, ridiculous thoughts about domestic things. Things like waking up in the same bed each morning and cooking breakfast together, and mundane things like household chores and holiday parties and other terrible things like rings and vows and a dark future where she was responsible for tiny young persons. Things she had never wanted, never even thought of before. Love is terrible. She sighed remembering fondly the time she simply wanted to seduce him in the broom closet. 

Sirius gently pulled her hands from her face. “I think I have a solution to our problem, but it’s unorthodox.” He was still holding her her hands away from her face. He lowered both of their hands to rest on the sofa between them. He was staring at her intensely, his eyes soft and alluring. “We can share.”

She felt her eyes widen in comprehension, “You mean share Remus?” 

“Well yes, but,” he gave her a charismatic smile, “Not just Remus. One bed, one relationship, for all three of us.”

Tonks swallowed hard. “Have you-- have you talked to him about this?”

Sirius laughed, “You’re joking right? Of course not. He won’t go for this unless we make him see how good it could be.”

Her mind was racing. Of all the things she expected Sirius to want to talk about today, this was not one she’d considered. Maybe he’d bring up the idea of threesome again, she’d thought, but this was something entirely different. He was inviting her into their relationship. Did she even want that? She loved Sirius dearly as a friend, she found in the past few months since she had come to really know him, she could hardly imagine life without him and she had even entertained the thought of including him a tryst if it meant finally getting to sleep with Remus, but this was something much more than any of that. 

“Well what do you think?” He asked. He was gripping her hands tightly. “I’ve thought about it a lot and I think it’s the only solution where we can all stay together without anyone getting hurt,” his voice had lost its playful edge. This was the most sincere she could ever remember hearing him speak. 

“I just… wasn’t expecting this,” she said to stall for time. 

“I suppose it won’t work if you can’t think of me that way,” Sirius replied, studying her face. “I suppose I am not even sure if I feel that way for you.” She looked at him startled. “I adore you as a person, you’re quite fun to have around and I do find you attractive. I’m hoping that is enough. But Remus, he loves you and I can tell you love him too. I want you both to be happy but I don’t see why I shouldn’t be happy too.”

“Sirius…” she started but wasn’t sure what to say. 

He leaned in closer. He was only a few inches from her face, “I thought it might help if we snogged a bit. Maybe it would help us understand how we feel. Besides it’ll make us all equal right? Can’t stay mad at Remus if I’ve snogged you too.” 

She couldn’t help but laugh. “Sirius that’s the most ridiculous pick up line I’ve ever heard!” he smiled bashfully and dropped her hands. She caught his hand again. “Well go on then.”

He pulled her flush against him, and found her lips with his own. He gently parted them with his tongue. She leaned into the kiss, finding it enjoyable if not irresistible. He was a good kisser. More practiced and methodical than Remus. 

He shifted her on to his lap, resting his hands on her hips. She felt a shiver run through her and an insistent prodding from his groin that reassured her that Sirius at least was finding this interaction arousing. He moaned and slid one of his hands under the back of her shirt. She gasped, which elicited a smile from him before he began sucking on her neck. 

She squirmed and he squeezed her tighter. She felt her skin flushing as his lips met hers once more. All the pent up sexual energy she’d been feeling for weeks had her wound up tight and she was more than ready to release the tension. Even though she wanted Remus, she was finding that Sirius was perhaps the next best thing. He seemed to be able to read her like a book, and she found herself grinding urgently against him as he found each sensitive spot from her shoulders, down her back to her hips. 

He broke away from her mouth to whisper in her ear, “I think that answers that question.” She let out a groan and trembled against him. He pushed her shoulders, gently to make space between them. “We should stop,” his voice was deep and breathy. “I can see why Remus keeps getting in trouble with you.” He smiled impishly. Tonks was struggling to regain control over her body back from her libido. “You are so responsive.” He traced circles on her lower back with his thumbs just above the waistline of her pants, which elicited another gasp from her. “You are going to get me into trouble too if I’m not careful.” 

He lifted her off his lap and back onto the couch. She was panting heavily and had to sink her nails into her palms before she was able to regain her composure. He had a devilish smile plastered on his face. “Well? How did you feel?” he asked with mock coyness. 

She faced him with confidence, “I think your idea is brilliant and I need to go be alone for a while.” 

He laughed. “Well I was hoping you’d stay for dinner so we could talk to Remus tonight. You can use one of the guestrooms to “take care of yourself” before he gets back.” He leaned forward again and for a moment she thought he would kiss her again but instead he said, “Just don’t wear yourself out. If dinner goes as planned we should be in for an invigorating night.”

“You had to put that thought in my head didn’t you,” she whispered back in exasperation. 

He just smiled back mischievously before getting to his feet and heading toward the door. “Take care Tonks!” he joked with a wink.


	32. Chapter 32

Remus trudged down a rain soaked street, looking for an appropriate place to apparate. It had been a long and trying day trailing a known Death Eater recruiter. To complicate matters, he had had to go it alone as Mundungus had been scheduled to be his second but had never shown up. Remus had followed the woman in question for several hours but either this must have been her off day or she knew she had a tail because she had spent the day running mundane errands and leading Remus through half of London, mostly by foot. 

A sudden rainstorm had left him soggy and uncomfortable. It was cold and he was starting to suspect every Muggle in London had picked this exact moment to be outside in the streets. He was finding it hard to find a secluded place to charm his clothes dry and apparate home. 

What was worse, with all this extra walking about, his mind was inevitably starting to wander back to Tonks. It had been well over a week since he had seen her last and his attempts to broach the subject with Sirius after that first night had all been met with deflections and subject changes. He didn’t want to push the subject or upset Sirius by continuously bringing her up. But Merlin did he miss her. 

The house felt half empty without her. He missed the familiar soothing smell of her shampoo and the way they would share knowing glances whenever Sirius said something outrageous. He missed her laugh and her jokes, the way she somehow managed to be so awkward and comforting at the same time. He missed the three of them playing cards together and cooking dinners. He even missed the awkward sexually charged conversations between Sirius and Tonks that he did his best to avoid at all cost, lest they tease him mercilessly.

Deep down he thought Sirius must miss her too. He was more quiet and subdued without her around this past week. And in the evenings when they had lounged around in the library together, Sirius was more often than not staring at her favorite chair with a look of deep contemplation. Remus hoped that perhaps he was trying to find a solution he could live with, one that included Tonks returning to the house again on a regular basis. 

He sighed heavily. He ought to be happy, thankful even, that he still had Sirius at all after the incident. He realized he was stuck in an unending cycle of remembering how much he missed Tonks, then realizing how much of a selfish git it made him to spend time brooding over her when his boyfriend was being uncharacteristically forgiving and gallant about the whole thing. He was a miserable, ungrateful prat. 

He just couldn’t seem to find a way to stop thinking about her. It was almost worse now that he didn’t see her on a nearly daily basis. At least then he knew where she was, what she was doing, that she was safe… Now he just had to guess and hope for the best. 

After several blocks, he found himself in a slower section of the city. There were fewer people about and more alleys. He was finally able to find an empty back street. He didn’t bother charming his clothes, instead opting to immediately apparate before he could run into any more Muggles. 

The familiar, gloomy visage of Grimmauld Place appeared before him. It was grim but it was home he thought, as he entered the front door. He stopped just inside to magic his clothing dry. He heard snatches of Sirius’ voice echoing down the hall from the kitchen, which he took to mean that they must have a visitor from the Order. 

He was contemplating the best way to submit a formal complaint about Mundungus dodging guard duty yet again, when Sirius appeared in the hall.

“I thought I heard you come in,” he said. He pulled out his wand to assist with drying Remus off. “We’ve got a dinner guest.” 

“I heard you talking to someone,” Remus replied in a tired voice. 

Sirius gave him a charming smile, “I hope you aren’t too tired.”

“I’ll mange,” Remus answered, putting his wand away. Sirius was still smiling. For some reason it left a knot in Remus’ stomach. 

Sirius motioned for Remus to head to the kitchen. Remus complied and Sirius fell in behind him. 

Remus hoped their guest would be content to converse with Sirius and that whatever it was that Sirius had prepared was hot. He was still cold and clammy even though his clothes were no longer damp. 

He pushed the door open to reveal Tonks nervously perched on the edge of a chair, seated at the end of the table. Remus involuntarily stopped as she looked up and gave him a subdued smile. Sirius bumped into him gently, wrapping his arms around Remus’ shoulders. “I invited her,” he whispered into his ear before giving him a small push forward. 

“Hi Remus,” Tonks greeted him with a note of hope in her voice. 

He couldn’t help but smile in relief. “Hi Tonks.” He took a seat on another side of the table, with an empty seat between them. It took him a moment to realize that there wasn’t actually any food on the table. 

“I thought it was about time we worked things out,” Sirius replied from the doorway. “So I have invited our dear Tonks over for dinner.” 

He walked around the table to stand behind the chair between Remus and Tonks. He offered his hand to Remus, who looked at it in confusion. Sirius grabbed Remus’ hand and pulled him to his feet. “But first, I need to welcome you home,” he said and pulled Remus into a passionate kiss. 

Remus responded reflexively, but then pulled back, dropping Sirius’ hand. It was awkward and inappropriate for Sirius to be kissing him so intensely in front of Tonks. She would be hurt to watch it, but perhaps that was Sirius’ intent. Perhaps this was his promised revenge. Still Remus would not willingly participate in such a ploy. “Sirius, this isn’t really the time…”

Sirius looked from Remus to Tonks, an impish smile spread across his face. “Oh of course. How rude of me. I would not want our guest to feel left out.” He put his finger to his lip as if he were in thoughtful contemplation. “I would not want that at all.” He extended a hand to Tonks who took it in a daze. “I’m usually quite a gracious host,” he continued, pulling Tonks to her feet. 

In a single fluid motion he pulled her close, into a similarly passionate kiss. 

Remus stood watching, dumbfounded as Tonks leaned into Sirius, moving her lips in time with his. His shock quickly turned to confusion as he was flooded with both intense jealousy and envy at the sight of the two of them together. He struggled to breath, his chest was compressed by his fear as he realized for the first time that not only could he lose both of them but it was possible to lose them to each other. He tried to reach out to them, to interrupt, but his body would not be compelled to move. 

His deepest fear, the one he struggled against at his very core, was to find out that no one wanted or needed him. As he watched Sirius wrap his arms around Tonks, he felt he was sinking, drowning. In this horrible moment, everything had changed from bad to worse. Sirius would not only leave him, but leave him for Tonks, the woman he loved. 

Suddenly his fear bowed to his anger. He no longer saw Sirius his lover, but Sirius his cocky, arrogant, areshole of a friend. The one whom he had loved all his life, but had never looked his way. The one who overshadowed him. The one James loved best. The one who always got the girl. The one who broke all the rules and still stayed at the head of all their classes. The Sirius Black who always took the best and left the rest for Remus, his poor pitiful, sickly friend. He saw that Sirius kissing the woman he loved. The only woman who had ever said she loved him. 

It was too much. He wanted to hit him. He wanted to hurt him. But still he could not will himself to move. He seemed to be stuck, entranced by the sight of the two most important people in his life betraying him. He watched in anger, in horror, his fists clenched so tight he could feel his fingernails cutting into his palms. 

He heard one of them moan and he cringed as a shiver went through him. Despite the fear and the anger and the pure shock of the moment, he realized, shamefully, that watching the two of them was turning him on. It was this realization more than any of the others that allowed Remus to break through his stunned immobilization. 

He grasped Sirius by the back of the shoulders and tore him away from Tonks. “What the hell are you doing?” he shrieked. 

Sirius shook him off and turned to him with a maddening smile, “I was snoging Tonks. I thought that was fairly obvious.”

Remus glared at him. To enraged for words. Sirius reached out and gently put his hand on Remus’ check. “Did you want a turn?” he asked. 

Remus jolted away from Sirius and swiveled to get a look at Tonk’s reaction. She looked slightly bemused but not angry or upset. He couldn’t think of a reason why she would not be angry. Had she snogged Sirius before? Had she wanted too? 

“Sirius, what the fuck is wrong with you?” Remus asked in disbelief. “Tonks is a person. You can’t just kiss her without asking and then pass her around like she some kind of toy.”

Tonks had her hand over her mouth. She gave Remus an intense look that he could not decipher. 

Sirius was appraising Remus with a slight frown, as if annoyed that Remus was not reacting the way he had hoped. “Remus, you are the one who wanted us all to be together. You wanted her back. Well this is the only way I can think of to make it work.” 

Remus stared at him incredulously. Tonks seemed to be holding her breath. 

“We’ll share. All three of us,” Sirius explained. 

Remus exploded, “Share? You want us to all just share like it is that easy? And you just made that decision without consulting us? I realize that we betrayed your trust and hurt you but you can’t just make life altering decisions for other people Sirius!” Remus was so angry he could not stand still. He began pacing the length of the room while he continued to lecture Sirius. “Have you even considered what that would mean? How unfair that is to her? Or how she even feels about all this?”

Sirius appeared to be readying a retort when Tonks broke in, “We talked about it a bit actually.” Her voice was unsteady and strained. Remus thought this must be the first time she had seen him react in anger. The unevenness of her voice stopped him in his tracks. 

Sirius jumped in, “Yes she’s been here all afternoon. We’ve talked about it. We even tested to see if it would work.”

Remus glared again in Sirius’ direction. 

“He means we snogged a bit too,” Tonks replied. “Just to test if we were attracted to each other!” she added hurriedly, waving her hands in the air as if to say “don’t get the wrong idea”. 

Remus stared from Tonks to Sirius and then buried his face in his hands. 

“We definitely are compatible,” Sirius reassured Remus. Though Remus’ hands were covering his eyes, he know Sirius must be smirking. 

“Remus, I’m on board with this,” Tonks said. She crossed the space between them and pulled Remus’ hands away from his face so she could look into his eyes. “I think it’s a good idea. Honestly. I don’t want to come between the two of you and I don’t want to lose either of you either and like Sirius said, if we are being honest you and I are just going to end up crossing another line again… but this way… if all three of us are together… well none of us has to be alone.”

Without thinking about it, he took her hand in his. “This would not be fair to you,” he replied. “Sirius still can’t leave the house and I, being what I am, am lucky to have anyone. I have to isolate myself anyways. But you shouldn’t have to hideaway with us.”

“She’s here everyday anyways,” Sirius pointed out. He moved across the room so he was standing next to the two of them.

Tonks nodded, “I’m happy here, hiding away with the two of you. I’ve never fit in anywhere the way I fit in with you.” 

“It puts your job in jeopardy,” Remus argued. “You are suppose to be tracking down Sirius and an Auror dating a werewolf is probably not going to go over well.”

“It’s not like I’m putting in any public appearances,” Sirius retorted. 

“I can date whoever I bloody well please. That’s none of the Ministry’s business. Anyways it can’t hurt my reputation any more than being associated with Dumbledore does these days.” The hand he wasn’t holding, was propped on her hip. “Next?”

“This could go badly,” he replied lamely. I could lose you both he thought to himself. 

Tonks pursed her lips and narrowed her eyes, but it was Sirius who responded, “You and I could end badly. You could leave me for her and break up the next month. No one knows how relationships are going to go Moony.” 

Tonks smiled at Sirius, then looking at Remus asked, “Got anything else?” 

He couldn’t think of any other logical reason he could use to argue, but he felt an overbearing weight on his chest. A feeling of fear, that this wasn’t real. That it was some sort of trap that once he let go and embraced what they were offering, it would all just melt away. He looked to his lover Sirius who for once wore an expression of earnest sincerity. Then he turned to Tonks, the woman he had fallen so suddenly and so inexplicably in love with. She was watching him with eyes full of longing and hope. It seemed impossible that both these people could love him. Not only love him, but love him enough to share him. How had this happened? How could it be real?

He reached out to Sirius with his free hand. He pulled them both close to him, wrapping an arm around each of them. Closing his eyes, he held them both tightly. “This is really what you want?” he whispered. 

He felt Tonks nod her head vigorously. Sirius whispered against his neck, “I really did think hard about this, you know.”

Remus opened his eyes and pulled back to look at them both. “I love you, both. If this is what you really want, how can I say no?” 

Tonks smiled brightly, the corner of her eyes sparkled with tears. Sirius smiled deviously, “Well now that that is settled, we should get Tonks upstairs before she soaks through her knickers.”

“Sirius!” Remus shouted, but Tonks only laughed and pulled Remus in for a kiss. It was a sweet lingering kiss, unlike either of the other times when she had kissed him suddenly and desperately. This was an intentional and loving gesture interrupted only by Sirius prodding them toward the hall. 

Remus hardly remembered making it up the stairs and into the bedroom. There had been ample stops along the way where he had paused to kiss Tonks again, or turned to Sirius to make sure he hadn’t felt left out. His memory of the trip was a haze of joy and heavy petting, but now he found they were all in what had formerly been his room but now seemed to belong to all three of them. They were all in various states of undress. Both he and Tonks seemed to have lost their shirts and Sirius was clad only in his briefs. 

Tonks was standing before him in her bra and a mini skirt, which he somehow only now was noticing for the first time. Sirius was behind her. He wrapped his arms around her stomach and bit the back of her neck which made her gasp. Sirius snickered. “What are you waiting for?” he asked Remus over her shoulder. 

Tonks moved to unbutton his pants and his hands went seeking the clasp on her bra. “It’s on the front,” she moaned, her voice deep and throaty. Sirius was busying himself with unzipping her skirt. “No knickers,” she teased breathlessly, when her skirt slipped to the floor.

“Naughty,” Sirius replied appreciatively, running his hands over her hips. She squirmed before lifting her arms above her head to allow Remus to remove her bra. Sirius reached around her to rid Remus of his pants. She gasped again when Sirius pressed into her back during his efforts.

Remus fell back onto the bed, pulling her down with him while she giggled joyously. Sirius dived down to join them. He was in awe of her and Sirius both. How after the past week and a half of misery, they so easily feel into sync, effortlessly fulfilling a fantasy he wasn’t even aware he had. She nuzzled his bare chest as Sirius leaned over her to kiss Remus with great intensity. 

When they broke apart, Tonks groaned. “I can’t wait much longer,” she demanded. 

Sirius chuckled and grabbed her wrists to pull her flat onto the bed. He held her there and looked up at Remus, “You heard her. She needs it.” Then he lowered his face to her chest and took one of her nipples in his mouth. She shrieked her encouragement. 

Remus took a moment to admire the sight of the two of them together. He felt an intense mixture of joy, relief and desire. No traces of the anger and jealousy he had experienced earlier when Sirius had suddenly kissed Tonks. He reached out and stroked her inner thigh, she rose up to meet the touch of his hand, moaning. He felt no guilt, no shame.

Sirius moved to kiss him once more, as if to remind him he had his blessing. “Take her,” he whispered. 

“Please,” she whimpered. 

Remus slid over top of her, while Sirius whispered obscene encouragements. Tonks gripped him tightly. “Take me,” she cried out loudly. Remus obliged.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! This is the end of this particular story but I may continue on with a sequel. I'm yet to decide how I will be proceeding so stay tuned.


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